If you're a person of a certain age, there's a good chance you've been in a relationship that was less than awesome. You know what I'm talking about. The sort of relationship where you look back on it and say, "WTF was I thinking?"
It's a relationship with a partner who doesn't treat you the way you should be treated. Who doesn't show up when they say they will, or do what they promise to do. Maybe they manipulate you. Maybe they verbally abuse you. Or maybe they just make you feel really, really badly about yourself. However it plays out, it's an unhealthy relationship – a toxic relationship – and sadly, almost everyone has experienced some form of it in their lifetimes.
A Toxic Partner
I have. Ten years ago, I was engaged to a man who turned out to be a pathological liar. He was a doctor in the Navy who worked at the Pentagon, and we were living together in the Watergate, ground zero for deception. It was a whirlwind romance. We were engaged within six months, and I left him within the year, largely because I didn't trust him and nothing he said made sense.
He constantly broke plans, he told me one thing and did something else, and made me question my own sense of self. A year after I left, I got a call from a special agent with the Naval Criminal Investigative Service, or NCIS, telling me that a doctor had been writing fake prescriptions for narcotics under many people's names, including my own.
While he really was in the navy, really was a doctor and did work at the Pentagon, he had never been a Seal, as he'd claimed, and had never been a military powerhouse. He had a fiance in Florida when he proposed to me but walked out on her not long after we started dating. She had no idea what had happened to him.
I was thrilled when I got the NCIS call. I'd spent a long time beating myself up for being a bad girlfriend, a mistrusting girlfriend, who had given up a wonderful relationship because of her trust issues. While that may be true (who doesn't have trust issues?), that phone call helped me make sense of my suspicions. I'd been right all along. Validation!
After that call, I kicked into journalist mode and began researching him and liars in general. What struck me was how many people – smart, successful, beautiful men and women – had been in equally noxious unions.
This shouldn't have surprised me. Most of us see what we want to see, especially when it comes to romance. Beyond that, trust is our default mechanism. Society wouldn't function without trust.
We trust that the surgeon operating on us is really a surgeon, that the pilot is really a pilot, that the car behind us will stop at the red light. We trust that our partner doesn't have a second family across town, or a wife from whom they're "divorced." The world adheres to a set of rules, and we assume that most people share the same values.
It's devastating to learn they don't.
But there's also something else going on. Because these sorts of manipulators are really slick. They're charming, creative, and usually very smart. They can spin stories as if they're Charlotte on her web. Get involved with one of these types, and there's a good chance you'll get taken in. It's no wonder so many people are taken by them. We see what we want to. Loneliness and the promise of its eradication cause people to do all sorts of crazy things.
My ex-fiance ended up spending two years in jail, the Navy kicked him out, and his medical license was revoked.
Healing From an Unhealthy Romance
Though the experience was devastating, it was actually one of the best things that ever happened to me. Career-wise, I wrote a book about it, "Duped: Double Lies, False Identities and the Con Man I Almost Married," which was turned into a podcast ("Impostors: The Commander").
But on a personal level, it forced me to stop and really examine what I want in a relationship. It forced me to gain clarity on my non-negotiables, and the way I want and expect to be treated. It also verified that my instincts are usually pretty good. I have a good gut. If I think something's off, it usually is. I pay attention to that voice in my head, the acid churning in my stomach, how my Spidey-Sense rears its head. I believe we all have that ability; we just have to trust ourselves enough to follow it.
Yes, this is easier said than done. It's hard to know if we're detecting something that's truly off, or if we're just being suspicious. I often have deep conversations with myself: Am I detecting something amiss, or am I just being cynical? Is this person really not treating me properly, or am I simply demanding too much? Am I too sensitive? How much is a bad mood and how much is a bad personality? How do you know?
The answer is: You can't, until all the evidence is in place. So rather than make any rash decisions, you sit. You listen and watch. You collect as much information as you need to make an educated decision.
At the end of the day, if something feels bad, if you feel unhappy or scratchy or insecure with this person, then that's all the information you need. As I like to say, I don't need anyone to make me feel bad about myself. I'm quite capable of doing that by myself. Life's too short to be miserable.
