I don't have kids of my own, but I have a lot of young people in my life. My friends' kids, my niece. Most happen to be boys, but a few are female. And here is what I've noticed: The girls treat themselves terribly. They torture themselves in ways the boys simply don't.
It's not that the boys are pillars of confidence. Of course, they have self-esteem issues. They're human. But it's different from the way the girls treat themselves. The name-calling, the berating, the anxiety, the relentless self-criticism. They malign themselves for not getting straight A's, or because their boss gave them a less than glowing performance evaluation at the office. Their lack of perfection can weigh on them for days. Their inner "Mean Girl" is horrific. As I always tell them, "If you talked to other people the way you talk to yourself, you'd have no friends!"
The Confidence Gap
A 2003 study conducted by Cornell psychologist David Dunning and Washington State University psychologist Joyce Ehrlinger corroborated this. The study found that men tend to overestimate their performance, while women underestimate theirs. Ultimately, their performances don't differ in quality.
This goes hand in hand with the young women's ability to speak up for themselves at school, at work, in relationships. They don't think they have anything of value to say, so they mute their voices. They second-guess themselves. They're afraid to ruffle feathers, so they don't ask for what they need or want.
Showing Up For Yourself
Speaking with purpose is about more than not interrupting others in the middle of a conversation. It's about thinking before speaking and recognizing the impact our words have on others. It's also about recognizing the impact our words (and, by default, our thoughts) have on ourselves. Are you nice to yourself? Do you support yourself? Do your thoughts build you up, or tear yourself down? Are you a Debbie Downer or a Stuart Smalley?
All of this matters. Because before we can be available for anyone else, we have to show up for ourselves. It reminds me of the best-selling book "The Four Agreements," in which author Don Miguel Ruiz advises people to be "impeccable with their word." Impeccability refers to integrity, honesty and truthfulness, yes. But it's also, he writes, about never using the "power of the word against yourself."
"When you're impeccable you're not going to tell yourself, ‘I'm old. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm not good enough. I'm not strong enough. I'm never going to make it in life,'" he writes. "You're not going to use your knowledge against yourself, which means your voice of knowledge is not going to use the word to judge you, find you guilty, and punish you. Your mind is so powerful that it perceives the story that you create. If you create self-judgment, you create inner conflict that's nothing but a nightmare."
In my own life, I'd be lying (definitely NOT impeccable behavior) if I didn't admit that I still struggle with my own rabid self-criticism. I should be writing novels. And selling screenplays. And going to law school to study international human rights. And opening an orphanage. And somehow, someway, miraculously growing another five inches, so I'm a towering 5'8".
Silencing That Inner Critic
Yes, I've become kinder to myself, and more gracious, and more forgiving. And I'm much better than I was when I was the ages of the young women I know in their teens and twenties. Still, it requires constant vigilance. Sometimes I have to actively stop and re-direct my thoughts from negative to positive (or at least neutral). Staying off social media also helps. There's too much clutter in the world, too many competing voices. Too many opportunities to compare myself to others who are smarter, richer, more prolific, taller. Why put myself in a position where I might feel bad about myself?
Maybe that's the biggest thing I've learned over time. To love myself as I love my neighbor. And being good to myself is as important as being kind to everyone else.
