If finances cause friction in your relationship, you’re far from alone. In fact, money is the top reason that couples struggle. Here’s what to know — and how to improve your financial relationship, together.
Money matters are a leading cause of relationship strife. One study, conducted by the American Institute of CPAs in 2021, showed that 73 percent of cohabiting couples surveyed pointed to money decisions as their leading cause of rifts. And 57 percent of couples have felt increased financial stress in their relationship since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, according to a 2022 Personal Capital report.
Thankfully, there’s a lot you can do to get a handle on your money challenges while making the most of your romantic relationships.
Here’s what several experts we spoke to had to say about money and relationships, including how to minimize that bothersome tension.
Is It Normal for Couples to Fight Over Money?
Money-related conflicts are common, according to Lee Phillips, EdD, LCSW, a psychotherapist and certified sex and relationship therapist. “Three things couples tend to fight over are sex, communication, and finances,” he tells DailyOM. And all three may be connected.
The American Institute of CPAs study showed not only that living together and money stress often go hand in hand, but also that the tension seeped into the bedroom, with 47 percent of couples reporting that financial stress negatively affected their sex lives. (While some people find sex helpful for stress relief, more often stress makes sex less appealing.)
Financial infidelity is not uncommon, either. Three in ten people surveyed by U.S. News & World Report in 2022 reported having dealt with it, either as a victim or a perpetrator.
“Financial infidelity occurs when one partner in the relationship lies about money,” explains Phillips. “In other words, they hide the truth when it comes to spending money.” You might conceal money from your partner, for instance, or learn that your significant other has been spending money from a shared account behind your back.
Interested in learning more? Check out The Japanese Art of Happy Money
Why Is “Money Stuff” Such a Problem?
Why is money such a struggle in so many relationships? One reason is because financial matters have more to do with deeper issues than money itself, according to Chanel Dokun, a relationship expert trained in marriage and family therapy and author of Life Starts Now: How to Create the Life You’ve Been Waiting For.
“Money is a physical manifestation of our underlying beliefs about many aspects of life,” Dokun tells DailyOM. “Our values are often discovered and addressed as we engage with our partner around finances.” Your goals and the level of autonomy you expect may also be revealed through money, she says.
Everything from who pays for dinners out to whether you prefer to invest in annual vacations or save that money for retirement, for example, says a lot about your values. And if a couple’s spending perspectives vary greatly, tension can arise — especially if you never really learned how to discuss or manage money or bring long-standing habits into a blended family.
Communication issues about money are common, too, according to a 2022 CNBC + Acorns Invest in You survey. Only 15 percent of parents surveyed reported speaking with their children routinely about household finances, and more than 30 percent reported never doing so.
Adam Kol, a couples financial coach, certified mediator, and tax attorney, sees a range of money conundrums play out. He tells DailyOM that on the relationship side, couples often struggle to resolve financial tension, have healthy money conversations, or even know where to start in making a plan. “On the numbers side, common challenges include spending more than they earn, managing student loan and credit card debt, and saving toward various goals,” Kol says.
Money Imbalance in Relationships
Unfair wage gaps and gender inequality within the home can also fuel tension, as women struggle to maintain equal, stable incomes. A study published in the Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization in 2021 analyzed the income of couples up to age 65 over four decades in 45 countries. Researchers found that in all of the countries, women made less money than their male partners. Meanwhile, in the United States, Dokun pointed out, women continue to earn only 83 cents for every dollar earned by men (for women of color, those numbers are even lower — for example, for every dollar paid to white men, Black women earn 58 cents; Asian American, Native Hawaiian, and Pacific Islander women earn 75 cents; and Latinas, earn 54 cents).
At the same time, women continue to take on significantly more cognitive and emotional labor — aka the “mental load” — in relationships than men do. When things like managing a household are undervalued, everything from related sleep loss and little leisure time to resentment can spur stress.
Couples are also challenged when his and her incomes are mismatched in the opposite way. “Despite the progress we’ve made in gender roles, it’s not unusual for couples to hold onto more traditional cultural expectations around earning in a household,” says Dokun. “Therefore, when a woman makes more money, the upending of the cultural norm often requires a shift in other dynamics or expectations in the relationship. Couples might need to navigate issues like whose job takes priority when household challenges need to be tended to, or perhaps who will be the primary caregiver to children.”
Money tension, if navigated well, presents the possibility of growing in love together.
For some men, making less money than their female partner feels like a threat to their masculinity or ability to provide, Dokun notes. Meanwhile, some women might still expect their male partner to take care of them financially despite earning more.
Another common factor in couples’ money stress involves discrimination toward other marginalized communities.
“In a world fueled by ableism, transphobia, etcetera, marginalized people experience discrimination and the inability to have employment,” says Phillips. “This can create a challenge such as power struggles and resentment in the relationship, because the other partner is carrying the financial weight of the relationship.”
A UCLA School of Law Williams Institute study published in 2019 showed poverty rates of up to 29.4 percent among LGBT individuals, compared to about 15 percent of straight people. And a 2021 Journal of Homosexuality study showed that people of color, women, and disabled people are more likely than men to report workplace discrimination in ways that hinder job retention.
When a related income disparity plays out in a relationship, the person who’s unable to work may be prone to feelings of shame, says Phillips, especially if they have an unsupportive partner. Left unaddressed, that dynamic fuels resentment and puts the relationship at risk.
How to Talk About Money With Your Spouse
As with all relationship difficulties, communication is key, says Dokun, who recommends taking time to explore your individual feelings and then discussing money together. “Focus on sharing how this dynamic makes you feel personally, without blaming or attacking, and be sure to mention any issues from your past that might be triggered in the present as you navigate this issue,” she suggests.
Dokun recommends explicitly discussing your finances at least once a month. “Schedule a money date where you review your finances together over brunch,” she adds. “Address not only the current state of your finances, but also share your hopes for the future so you can align your goals and objectives for money management.”
And if you hit a point of disagreement or mismatch, work together on compromises you can align on. Kol worked with a couple he called “Bobbie and Barney,” who earned significantly different incomes and wanted to continue taking vacations, which only Bobbie could afford. “They brainstormed ideas and compromised by purchasing a large vehicle together to lower transportation costs, offset some costs by having other passengers chip in to catch a ride with them, and even sometimes saved money on lodging by sleeping in the vehicle,” Kol recalls.
Discussing your financial beliefs and history may help, too. If money conversations feel overwhelming, Kol suggests setting aside 15 minutes to talk about how your parents handled money, and how that influences you today, as a smart first step. “This will help build your confidence and trust, which, in turn, will give you the momentum to go further and deeper with each money conversation,” he says.
Creating a Solid Plan
Together, working on a solid plan as part of your money communication can stave off future discord. That’s true whether you’re experiencing obvious money tension (yet) or not.
To get there, Kol suggests making like rapper Vanilla Ice: “stop, collaborate, and listen.” In other words, set aside time to “better understand each other's views on money, get clear on your financial situation at this very moment, plus your future goals and how much money they require, and … create a plan that helps you both get from where you are to where you want to be,” he says.
Meanwhile, discuss decisions like joint versus separate accounts early on. “I recommend that couples choose the account structure that will best support their relationship and financial goals,” explains Kol, adding that once you have financial clarity and the ability to have healthy money conversations, you can determine together whether joint accounts, separate accounts, or a mix of the two seems best. You might decide to keep most of your accounts separate, for example, but to share a credit card for household expenses or a savings account for travel or retirement. If you feel stuck or unsure, he suggests picking an option to try, then reassessing it after three months.
How (and When) to Budget Better
If the word “budget” makes your skin crawl, fear not. You can actually make budgeting breezier, or even — gasp — fun. “I think budgeting is a beneficial exercise for the vast majority of couples, even if they don’t do it forever,” says Kol. “It’s especially valuable if you’re not meeting your financial goals or you’re not getting what you want out of your money.”
Budgeting can help you gain awareness of your spending versus saving habits while safeguarding you from overspending. And once you’re more comfortable discussing money in general, Kol says, planning out your expenditures will flow more easily.
“Keeping your goals in mind, whether on a ‘vision board’ or otherwise, can help it be a more positive experience,” he adds. “But the fun really shows up when you’re working together to crush your financial goals and seeing that translate into having the life you desire.”
Warning Signs That Something Is Really Off
All the money and relationship tips in the world won’t help if you’re in a harmful or abusive relationship. And sadly, financial control and dependency are common risk factors for domestic violence.
“Anytime someone is using money to manipulate or control their significant other, that’s a red flag,” says Kol. In some cases, this takes the form of gaslighting. Your partner might overspend money from your joint checking account, for example, then try to convince you that you agreed on the expenditure in advance.
Another example might involve your partner restricting your money access to an allowance because you “overspend” when that’s not actually the case. “This is a source of control and it is considered emotional abuse in the relationship,” says Phillips.
If you’ve noticed or engaged in hiding or withholding finances in your relationship, the problem needs to be addressed right away, according to Dokun. And if you notice signs of a toxic relationship or abuse, seek appropriate support as soon as possible.
Tending to Your Whole Relationship
If you focus on fixing money issues without addressing underlying problems, you won’t get very far, even in a healthy relationship. If you’re struggling in any area, consider working with a qualified professional, such as a couples therapist, so you can improve your relationship while you’re straightening out your financial issues.
At the same time, working on your money troubles may strengthen other aspects of your partnership. “Working through financial challenges in a relationship can bring more trust, honesty, improved communication, and respect,” says Phillips. And those healthy relationship pillars can bolster your sense of connection.
“I always view tension in a relationship as an opportunity for greater intimacy,” says Dokun. “Through our areas of difficulty and disagreement, we have the potential to learn more about our partner and move closer to them as we reset and realign to one another’s needs. Money tension is no different and, if navigated well, presents the possibility of growing in love together.”
