If you’ve wondered what it takes to maintain a happy romantic relationship, or whether yours matches up with what one typically entails, you’re far from alone. Here’s what experts say are the real #relationshipgoals that signify an unbreakable bond.
There are many different types of relationships, relationship seekers, and relationship styles these days. In 2019, 15 percent of adults in the United States were single and actively seeking a committed relationship, according to Pew Research Center findings, while in 2021, over half of adults were in a committed romantic pairing.
And though 66 percent of adults surveyed would only consider being in a monogamous relationship, according to a poll conducted in September 2022, 15 percent said they would consider a non-monogamous relationship.
Whether you’re a relationship hopeful or in one now, understanding what happy relationships are made of can help you differentiate between a relationship that’s on the right track and one that’s unlikely to succeed, at least not without major changes.
Relationship happiness doesn’t involve perpetual smiles, swoons, and makeout sessions, according to relationship experts who spoke to DailyOM. That’s all more rom-com than reality. Instead, when considering whether your relationship has traits that signify happy couples, author and psychotherapist Vanessa Bennett prefers to think in terms of fulfillment. She suggests reflecting on questions like “Do you feel fulfilled in your relationship? Do you feel respected? Honored? Seen? Challenged (in strengthening ways)?”
Here’s a deeper dive into the signs of happy relationships that will go the distance, according to experts.
Interested in learning more? Check out Be Ridiculously Happy in Your Relationship
6 Signs You’re in a Truly Happy Relationship
1. You’re Equally Invested in the Relationship
Little can bolster a relationship’s quality like mutual enthusiasm and respect, board-certified sexologist Megan Stubbs, EdD, tells DailyOM.
“I like to think of a happy relationship as a partnership where both parties are excited and invested to be in this position,” she adds. “They want to work to nurture the relationship and know that they have the freedom and safety to disagree with their partner, without the worry of them breaking up with them.”
One study published in 2020 in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences analyzed relationship satisfaction data involving more than 11,000 couples. The researchers determined that, more than anything else, how committed a participant perceived their partner to be predicted their level of satisfaction.
2. You Know How to Fight Fairly
If you think happy couples seldom face rockiness, think again! All couples face conflicts at times, according to Bennett. What matters is how you deal with those natural disagreements that arise. Do you communicate openly or dodge difficult topics, like money?
“Whenever someone tells me, ‘We never fight!’, I raise my eyebrows and immediately wonder who in the partnership isn’t being honest — to themselves more than anything — in order to have a seemingly peaceful relationship,” she says. A sense of disconnection at times can even lead to deeper connection on the flip side, she adds, if you aim to understand your partner versus focusing on being “right” or understood.
A study published in the journal Family Process in 2019 showed that self-reported happy couples fight about the same issues that unsatisfied couples do, such as household chores, communication, money, and intimacy.
The happy couples, however, strategically focused most on issues with clear solutions, such as fairly distributing chores and ways to spend quality time together. Unhappy couples, on the other hand, tended to home in on futile tasks, like trying to change the other person or their needs.
3. You Focus on Gratitude
If you want to be counted among happy couples, you may want to count your blessings where gratitude is due. A 2015 study conducted at the University of Georgia involving 468 married individuals showed that gratitude was the most significant predictor of relationship quality — meaning they showed attributes like a sense that the relationship would last, and had positive well-being.
The researchers also found that expressing those feelings — actually telling your partner you appreciate them — can counteract negative conflict patterns. If you’ve been caught up in a loop of blame-based arguing, for example, shifting to grateful thoughts about your partner or the bond you share might turn that around. Showing gratitude is a simple, practical way to strengthen a relationship.
4. You Understand What Sex Means to Each Other
Sexual intimacy is a key aspect of many romantic relationships, but sex holds different meaning and value for everyone. That’s perhaps why happy couples don’t focus on how often they “should” have sex. A focus on “should” is risky, clinical therapist Gabriela Gutierrez, PhD, tells DailyOM, given that no such “normal” exists. Instead, happy couples seek to understand the purpose sex serves within the relationship. Is it emotional closeness? Orgasms? Relaxation?
Relationship bliss may also stem from discussing what intimacy, beyond sex, can mean for your relationship. Determining these things “can expand all the ways you can achieve [healthy intimacy] together,” Gutierrez adds, “instead of putting all the pressure on sex to be the sole solution.” If sex for you involves intercourse or oral pleasure, nonsexual physical intimacy might involve cuddling or holding hands. Purely emotional intimacy might involve heart-to-heart conversations or carving out time to share meaningful time in nature.
And when a happy couple notices mismatched sexual desires or libidos, they tend to communicate about it. Compassionately talking out those differences can lead to “a happy compromise on a frequency that can work for both of you,” says Stubbs.
5. You Face Adversity as a Team
Cultivating a happy relationship when life is going especially well might seem simple — but no one’s days are all sunshine and roses. When a major challenge, such as an illness, arises, happy couples face it as a team, says Gutierrez.
She conducted research related to this topic and found that embracing a teamlike, “we” mentality can amplify a couple’s sense of togetherness, strength, and overall well-being. People in healthy relationships also view a difficulty, like illness, as a "third or additional member of [the] relationship,” she adds, not as a problem within one person.
An example of this came up while Gutierrez was working with couples who were navigating a cancer diagnosis. In some cases, the type of cancer or its treatment meant “typical sex” wasn’t possible. Finding other ways to experience physical intimacy proved helpful. Sensual touch on other body areas, for example, can feel deeply intimate.
Some research shows that within heterosexual pairings, men are more likely than women to leave a marriage when their spouse is sick — so gender equality and respect in your relationship are vitally important, too.
6. You Nurture Your Individuality
Nurturing your individuality by prioritizing self-care and pursuing your own interests plays a strong role in relationship happiness, according to Bennett. People in healthy relationships also encourage each other to do this.
“We are fed codependency as the image of an ideal relationship in this culture and it leads to a lot of self-abandonment and transactional relationships,” says Bennett. “If we paid more attention to owning the responsibility of cultivating a deep connection to ourselves, it would impact our ability to then own what is ours to own in relationships and allow others to be who they are, rather than spending a lifetime fighting against and trying to change them.”
Research shows that people may stay in ungratifying relationships for fear of being alone or because they feel dependent. And yet, getting out of that toxic relationship may be exactly what you need to cultivate relationships you do cherish — including with yourself, first and foremost.
The Bottom Line
If the above signs are missing from your relationship, or you’re not satisfied yet you keep sticking it out, it may be time for more reflection, self-care, and/or professional support from a qualified expert, such as a relationship therapist you see on your own or together. And if you’re currently single, but interested in being part of a couple in the future, keep these signs of a strong, happy, healthy relationship in mind as you explore potential partners.
