Could sleeping apart actually strengthen your relationship? Experts weigh in on why a “sleep divorce” may be right for you and how to maintain a solid relationship even when you’re not sharing a bed at night.
You love your partner. You really do. But the tug-of-war for the covers each night? Not so much. How in the world can their body be at such a hot temperature while you’re huddling for warmth like it’s a sub-zero arctic night? And the snoring … who knew someone so petite could snore so loudly?
Instead of resigning yourself to never-ending restless nights (and grumpy mornings), you may be in the market for a “sleep divorce.”
What Is a Sleep Divorce?
Though the term conveys a breakup, a sleep divorce is not an actual divorce where a marriage is dissolved. In a sleep divorce, you remain together as a couple. You live together as a couple. You’re physically intimate as a couple. But you acknowledge that your relationship may be better off by not sharing a bed together every night.
At the core of it, a sleep divorce is merely “sleeping apart for the sake of getting good sleep,” Alex Dimitriu, MD, founder of Menlo Park Psychiatry & Sleep Medicine, tells DailyOM. “In some instances, [a sleep divorce] might just mean getting a larger bed and sleeping further apart, and in more extreme instances it might mean sleeping in separate rooms.”
If the latter option is what is most appealing to you, don’t fret. It’s not necessarily a sign that the relationship is losing its luster.
A sleep divorce can mean a more restful night since you’re in complete control of your sleep environment. But it could also enhance the romance and overall respect for your partnership.
“Many people think that the strength of their relationship is contingent on sleeping in the same bed. There is actually no data that I know of to support this idea,” says Michael Breus, PhD, a clinical psychologist, co-author of Energize!: Go from Dragging Ass to Kicking It in 30 Days, and a member of the scientific advisory board for Apollo Neuro.
Common issues that lead to sleeping separately often include snoring, having different sleep schedules, and opposing opinions on the ideal room temperature, notes Dr. Breus.
Interested in learning more? Check out Karmic Relationships: How to Identify Them and Break Free
Is a Sleep Divorce Common?
According to a survey by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine in March 2023, over one-third of the 2,000 respondents said they occasionally or consistently sleep in a separate bed to accommodate their partner. Among the various generations who participated in the survey, millennials (ages 27–40) were the most likely to sleep separately from their partner.
Why the increase in sleeping separation?
“Because our lives are getting increasingly busy, and stress may be running higher than ever, people are putting a higher premium on the quality of their sleep,” explains Dr. Dimitriu.
Interestingly, sleep separation among couples is a re-emerging trend with roots that date all the way back to the Roman Empire, according to a November 2017 piece in the Atlantic Marketing Journal. Couples began moving into the same room and the same bed during the Industrial Revolution, when living spaces became more cramped. But as more space has become available to couples in the modern age, the prospect of sleep separation has resurfaced.
“The United States is an individualistic culture: freedom, autonomy, and personal space are values held in high esteem by society,” writes John E. Crawford, PhD, a professor at Lipscomb University in Nashville, Tennessee, who authored the article. “As a result, some couples are also sleeping apart due to the culturally conditioned need for emotional and physical space.”
The Benefits of a Sleep Divorce
For starters, a sleep divorce can mean a more restful night since you’re in complete control of your sleep environment — going to bed at the time you want (in snore-free, silent bliss) and then staying in bed for as long as you want. But it could also enhance the romance and overall respect for your partnership.
Breus advises couples to try an “alternating sleep schedule” — sleeping apart Sunday night through Thursday night and then together on Friday and Saturday nights, especially as you’re exploring sleep separation.
“I see it only as positive,” says Breus. “If you sleep in another room and you get better sleep, you are doing two things: one, telling your bed partner you are serious [about each other’s quality of sleep]; and two: seeing them on the weekends for intimacy may make it stronger and more predictable.”
In some cases, a sleep divorce might even be necessary to keep an actual breakup from happening, says Jenn Kennedy, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Santa Barbara, California.
“Sleeping apart may initially feel upsetting and threatening to the relationship, but it can actually be a solid solution to save the partnership,” Dr. Kennedy tells DailyOM. “It’s time to consider a sleep divorce when resentment starts setting in or when one partner is consistently getting up to move beds because they cannot sleep.”
Should You Consider a Sleep Divorce?
As you consider sleeping apart, it’s advisable to explore what you can do to fix whatever is ailing a good night’s rest for you — even if you still opt to sleep separately.
For instance, if you want a sleep divorce because of your or your partner’s snoring or restlessness, address those issues with a physician before ignoring it by sleeping separately, advises Dimitriu. Both of those issues — snoring loudly and disturbed sleep — should not be overlooked since they could be signs of a deeper health issue, he says. Just because your partner is no longer complaining about your snoring because you’re in another room, it doesn’t mean it’s no longer happening.
That said, if you and your partner are on different sleep schedules (for instance, one partner works nights and sleeps during the day) and you don’t see a way to align with them, then a sleep separation may be a positive solution. However, before you assume it isn’t possible, try seeing if your partner’s positive sleep habits can influence yours, or vice versa.
Whatever reason you and your partner decide to have a sleep divorce, make sure to consider your partner’s point of view and talk things out.
“Keep the communication gentle and warm-hearted,” says Dimitriu. “Also, be clear about your reasons for wanting to sleep separately, and before making that decision, explore what you can do to continue to be able to sleep together.
For example, you can work together to adopt better sleep habits, such as going to bed at the same time every evening, winding down with a relaxing bedtime routine, and making sure you have a quiet and comfortable environment.
“Ideally, with two people sleeping together in a relationship, the one with more positive sleep habits may exert a positive impact on the other. I have seen many instances where one of the couple goes to bed early and the other one will stay up extraordinarily late, simply because they can, and they missed the ‘sleep bus,’” says Dimitriu.
Having healthy sleep habits is crucial, whether you sleep alone or with someone else, Dimitriu says. Prioritizing rest and practicing good sleep hygiene, whether you share a bed or not, is essential for feeling your best mentally and physically. Remember, you can always give sleep separation a trial run before you fully commit to anything.
When a Sleep Divorce Is a Relationship Red Flag
Before considering a sleep separation, make sure your relationship is in a solid place. There’s a huge difference between having your own bed so you can be in better control of temperature, timing, or noise and wanting to sleep apart because you and your partner are not connecting.
“If you feel yourselves drifting apart, then it might be time to reconsider the benefits of sleeping separately. More importantly, it might be time to consider what issues may be driving you apart physically as well as emotionally,” says Dimitriu.
If one person’s occasional night on the couch suddenly turns into a new sleep-separation arrangement (especially without a preemptive conversation or any issues of sleeplessness, snoring, or mismatched sleep schedules), it may be an indication that sleep isn’t the real problem.
“If [a sleep divorce] happens without cause and without warning, there might be relational issues at play. It’s best to have an open conversation about why,” says Kennedy.
Also, since one drawback of a sleep divorce is not getting as much body-to-body contact with each other, maintaining physical contact should be a priority. If you find this isn’t happening, talk about it. It may be that you’re both busy and have inadvertently put physical touch on the back burner. Or maybe it’s a sign that you need to rethink the sleeping arrangement. Either way, it’s important to address. And if your partner is being cagey about that, don’t ignore it.
4 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Relationship When Sleeping Separately
1. Keep Communication Open
“You just need to make sure your bed partner does not feel like you are leaving them versus leaving [the current sleeping] situation,” says Breus. Make sure to have ongoing conversations as you experiment with either an alternating sleep schedule or a sleep divorce. If you’re not loving it, explain why in a loving, respectful way.
2. Prioritize Physical Contact Before Bedtime
“Keep the intimacy in the relationship as well as the cuddles and snuggles. Close contact with human beings produces oxytocin (the bonding hormone), and it’s important to maintain that close contact — if not during the night, then at least during the evening or during the day,” says Dimitriu. If you sleep separately, be sure you’re making time to cuddle when you wake up or before going to sleep. Kennedy advises 20 minutes of snuggle time each day to maintain a strong connection.
Even though the experts who spoke with DailyOM don’t correlate sleep divorces with sexual intimacy issues, it can be helpful to use this time to evaluate how satisfied you both are with your sex life, too.
3. Make Sure Each Separate Sleeping Space Is Comfortable
“A sleep divorce gets tricky if you don’t have a second, comparable room and bed for [your partner] to sleep in. If one partner has to consistently sleep in a less-than-ideal environment, they are likely to not sleep as well, which can lead to irritability, resentment, and less relational attitudes,” says Kennedy.
If you don’t have a second room, consider having two separate beds in your room. Or, if you’d like to fully separate (to help with snoring, for example), talk about how to make the sleeping arrangements as fair as possible. Perhaps you get the couch one week and your partner gets it the next.
4. Stay Flexible
Make sure you and your partner are on the same page as you map out your new sleeping arrangements. Don’t make your expectations too rigid and don’t set anything in stone. Nothing about it has to be permanent at any point.
“[A sleep divorce] can be approached like any other relationship consideration where both parties consider their own and their partner’s needs,” says Kennedy. “It can also be tried for a while to see how it feels and then reassessed.”
Perhaps you can start with an alternating sleep schedule — sleeping together some nights and apart the rest of the week — as Breus suggests. And then go from there, making sure you take care of your personal sleep hygiene as well (maybe it’s officially time to get that snoring checked out?).
If sleeping separately is the solution you’ve been needing, that’s great. And if it doesn’t work out, that’s perfectly okay, too. Ultimately, it’s about what you can tolerate, says Breus.
If you can live with a restless sleeper as long as you have a firm, high-quality mattress, splurge on the mattress. If you can live with a sleeper who needs to crank up the AC so long as you’re wearing some cozy fleece pajamas, get those pajamas. If it means sleeping apart every night except Saturday, try it. At the end of the day (and the night), the goal is to get you and your partner the best quality sleep possible so your relationship will thrive at all hours.
