Whether it’s from a friend, a family member, or your significant other, receiving a hug or having someone hold your hand as you walk can make a difference — not only in your day but in your life. Here’s why that contact is so important to our well-being.
There is a lot to be said for skinship — physical contact or intimacy between two people that involves touching or caressing one another’s skin. Think hugs, holding hands, snuggling, a friendly pat on the back, a warm embrace, a massage. These nonsexual touches bring comfort and closeness and strengthen the bonds between individuals, be they family members, friends, or lovers.
The word “skinship” isn’t a big part of the American lexicon, but there’s nothing mysterious about the term to people in Japan, South Korea, and other places around the globe. The word is a combination of “skin” and “kinship” and is said to have originated in the 1960s from the Japanese word sukinshippu and the Korean word seukinsip.
Skinship makes you feel good in the moment and, according to experts, the benefits to our health and well-being go even deeper. Here’s why physical contact can be so wonderful and how to make sure you’re getting your daily dose of skinship in.
How Touch Can Heal and Give a Sense of Support
Talking isn’t the only way people can communicate; touch is also a way for people to convey their love, care, and support. “Numerous psychological studies over the years have demonstrated the physical, mental, and emotional benefits of touch and how necessary it is for health,” says Lisa Lawless, PhD, a clinical psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and couples counseling. “It improves cardiovascular health and cognitive functioning, and allows us to live longer. Physical touch decreases cortisol levels and increases serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine, which all have profound health implications for one’s overall well-being.”
Research shows that touching and being touched activate certain areas of the brain, which can positively impact one’s thoughts and bring forth physiological responses — for example, decreased heart rate and blood pressure, and an increase in oxytocin, the hormone responsible for deepening bonds.
“Touch reduces the stress hormone cortisol and our sense of loneliness,” says Alison McKleroy, a licensed therapist, author, and founder of Center for Spark, which offers courses and retreats for joy and well-being. “Skinship also increases our levels of dopamine and serotonin, which regulate our mood and lower stress and anxiety levels. Physical touch brings a sense of well-being and promotes a range of positive feelings, including love and compassion across our lifespan,” she adds.
The power of touch is such that when a child is upset and their parent or caregiver hugs them or pats them on the back, it quickly calms them down.
Talking isn’t the only way people can communicate; touch is also a way for people to convey their love, care, and support.
Not only does touch have a positive effect in the moment, but research suggests that hugs have lingering protective effects. For example, a study published in Psychological Science in December 2014 showed that hugs kept respiratory infections at bay. (That same study found that among those who did get sick, those who got support via affective touches had less severe symptoms of infection!)
Some research shows that touch may also have some pain-relieving effects. A visit to a masseuse could do more than lift your mood, and, according to research, you might not even have to leave home for that pain relief. One study published in PNAS in February 2018 found that if two partners touch and one of them has mild pain, the touch can diminish the feeling of pain.
Interested in learning more? Check out Sacred Sexuality: Open the Energy of Intimacy.
Why We Are Touch Deprived
Touch is essential, but some people are not getting as much human interaction as they would like.
The Touch Test, an online study in 2020 before lockdowns and social distancing were prevalent during the COVID pandemic, revealed much about the state of touching in society, with people from 112 countries participating. Seventy-two percent of participants said they had positive feelings about touch and 27 percent negative ones.
Fifty-four percent of people said they had too little touch in their lives, three percent had too much. A third of people said they thought people touched each other more in the past, but half said there had been no change.
Nonsexual physical touch in many Asian and other cultures is part of the norm, but that is not so much the case in countries like America. Why not? Experts say the aftermath of the #MeToo movement and America’s litigious environment are just two of the reasons there can be a shyness to reach out and touch one another. These reasons exacerbated what was already amiss.
“There are many factors contributing to why our society is experiencing a decrease in touch. Being on our phones and engaging in social media often distract us and offer different rewards that ultimately pull us away from opportunities for in-person relatedness and connection,” says McKleroy.
Then, too, many people don’t know how to ask for consent, says Lawless, who is also the founder of the National Association for the Advancement of Science & Art in Sexuality and CEO of HolisticWisdom.com. “Fears of misinterpretation or allegations of inappropriate touch have many wary of engaging in seemingly innocent gestures, even as simple as a pat on the back or a friendly hug,” she adds. Being aware of other people’s boundaries is a good thing for all involved; it provides clarity about what’s appropriate and what’s not.
Lawless adds that it is important that people understand just how easy it is to say something like, “Is it okay if I give you a hug?” without feeling ill at ease.
It’s interesting to note that while popular culture often reinforces the idea that women are more affectionate than men, there is little research to support much difference between genders when it comes to touch, says McKleroy. She adds that standards for physical touch are greatly influenced by complex factors, including culture, age, and degree of relatedness.
“However, research studies in the U.S. have found that women are far more likely than men to perceive touch from opposite-gender strangers as unpleasant and an invasion of privacy. Whether touch has a positive or a negative effect is highly dependent on the context in which it occurs. Consent is critical,” says McKleroy.
America is already struggling with a loneliness epidemic, reports the surgeon general. Our lack of touch has consequences as well. “People can become what’s called ‘touch starved.’ When a person lacks sufficient touch, they can become stressed or depressed. We are social beings, and when a person experiences little touch for prolonged periods, they can feel lonely and their well-being is significantly impaired,” says McKleroy.
Navigating Skinship
Ideally, touching, hugging, handholding, or giving a pat on the back would be part of our lives each day, whether we’re single or not. But for all the good that comes from skinship, knowing what to do and what not to do is key. “Skinship requires respecting individual boundaries while embracing the importance of it,” says Lawless.
She says there are a few things to keep in mind. For starters, always ask for consent before initiating touch, especially in unfamiliar or formal settings. A simple “Is it okay if I hug you?” can make a big difference, she adds. Do pay attention to nonverbal cues. If someone seems uncomfortable or pulls away, respect their space. Educate yourself. Understand the cultural and personal boundaries. “What might be acceptable in one culture or for one person might not be for another,” she says.
And make no assumptions. “Never assume that everyone is comfortable with the same level of touch,” she says. Respect boundaries. If someone expresses discomfort, apologize and ensure you do not repeat the behavior, she advises.
Advice for Couples
While skinship is mostly about nonsexual touching, skinship in romantic relationships is important too. Hugging and holding hands more often throughout the day can boost intimacy between couples, according to Lawless.
“Often, couples who only touch one another when it comes to sex do not have as strong a physical intimacy as those who touch one another through simple acts of affection, such as holding hands, hugging, and playful touch that is not necessarily a precursor to sexual intercourse. Increasing nonsexual, affectionate touch as an active part of a relationship can actually translate into hotter sex later,” Lawless says.
The Bottom Line
While touch is a simple gesture, it is powerful. Alyssa Pfenning, CEO of Wild Wisdom Retreats and a certified yoga therapist, says learning to dance the tango taught her how much she needed touch and connection. She says, “The tango was a catalyst for opening up to receive more in my life. That is how important touch and connection are for the human spirit.”
