How can you tell if you or your partner is emotionally unavailable? Therapists share their advice for evaluating a person’s emotional unavailability and why you shouldn’t ignore the signs.
There’s just something...off. You’re being forthcoming with your feelings and emotions. But your partner? Not so much.
Or maybe that’s what your partner is saying about you.
Is it because you have different emotional styles? Or is it emotional unavailability?
Read on to learn how to decipher the signs of emotional unavailability and why you shouldn’t ignore them.
What Is Emotional Unavailability?
At the core of it, emotional unavailability is the inability to express emotions in healthy ways. Either the person may be very guarded with their emotions or may express emotions erratically — lashing out in anger and later regretting it, for example.
Rather than expressing themselves constructively or being open when someone expresses a desire to know how they feel, people who are emotionally unavailable tend to find emotions triggering. This results in them becoming defensive or shutting down completely as a “fight, flight, or freeze” response. Those types of impulsive nervous system reactions are easily set off among people who’ve experienced trauma, explains Orit Krug, a licensed creative arts psychotherapist who specializes in dance movement therapy to help people and couples work through emotional unavailability and trauma.
“Most likely, [emotionally unavailable people] aren’t trying to be malicious [unlike if someone is trying to gaslight or lie to you], but somewhere along the line, they were taught that showing emotions is weak, or when they showed emotions in the past, they were punished, ridiculed, or shamed for it. This teaches their minds and nervous systems that it is not safe to express emotions or become close with others,” says Krug, whom DailyOM spoke with for this story.
Being emotionally unavailable could be a sign of two things. One, this might not be the right relationship if either person is unable to open up to the other. Or two, one person has unresolved trauma that is making it difficult to be emotionally intimate in the relationship, says Krug.
Interested in learning more? Check out Dealing With Emotionally Unavailable Partners
Emotionally Unavailable vs. Having a Different Emotional Style
We each have a different emotional style, especially in how we handle conflict. (Yes, this includes even the most emotionally available of us.) Some people may want to dialogue relentlessly until an argument is resolved, while others need time and space away to process.
“Does this mean that the person who needs more space is emotionally unavailable? Not necessarily,” says Krug. “If they are able to return to the conversation with transparency, vulnerability, or at least a willingness to work through things, then they are available. They just need more time. On the other hand, if a partner says they need time to process and they continue to avoid the conflict or tell their partner, ‘It’s not a big deal’ or ‘You’re overreacting’ — basically any unhealthy pattern that shuts down any chance at resolution or intimacy, we can call that being emotionally unavailable.”
Similarly, having a different “love language” (for instance, you prefer to be given compliments while your partner’s love language is physical touch) is also not indicative of one’s emotional unavailability.
“Having a different emotional style or love language doesn’t mean that the goal is to block emotional engagement. All couples will differ in some ways in how they express love or express affection to one another,” David Tzall, PsyD, a clinical psychologist based in New York City, tells DailyOM. “A person with a different style or love language can and will care deeply in how they feel internally and how it is demonstrated. In contrast, characteristics of emotional unavailability can include indifference, avoidance, or detachment.”
One caveat: It’s tempting to look at one-off examples and want to label someone as being emotionally unavailable based on “that one time.” But the reality is that we all have our bad days.
“If your partner isn’t available to talk or resolve conflict for a longer period of time than usual, don’t immediately assume [they are] or label them as an emotionally unavailable partner,” says Krug. “Maybe something specific is stressing them out more than usual, and they have less capacity to be emotionally available in the relationship in the short term. No one is 100 percent emotionally available all the time, especially when we have full-time jobs and our families to take care of.”
Signs of Emotional Unavailability in a Relationship
1. The Person Avoids Showing Any Vulnerability
“An emotionally available person will share how they feel and be curious about how you feel. It doesn’t actually take too long to figure out if a potential partner is emotionally available enough to cultivate emotional intimacy,” Zoë Kors, certified sexologist and author of Radical Intimacy: Cultivate the Deeply Connected Relationships You Desire and Deserve, tells DailyOM.
Avoiding vulnerability can manifest in the following ways, explains Kors: excessive talking about what they think or know rather than having reciprocal dialogues, avoiding conversations about sensitive topics, avoiding conflict at all costs, not regularly expressing appreciation or gratitude for you and not paying you compliments, moments of disconnection in which you find yourself wondering where they went or what they are thinking, and you walking around feeling as if you never really know where you stand in the relationship.
2. There Is a Lack of Reciprocity
At the beginning of a relationship, it’s normal for reciprocity of emotions to feel a bit uneven.
“You don’t have to start out even,” says Tracy Taris, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Many Voices, One Truth, who spoke with DailyOM for this article. “Sometimes one person is more sure of the exploration of the relationship than the other. That’s okay because the other person might catch up. But a red flag [of emotional unavailability] is when you feel like you’re the only one trying to make the relationship work or you feel the relationship is draining you more than filling you up.”
So if the reciprocity is starting to feel one-sided, pay attention to that — particularly when it comes to emotional expression. It could be a sign that the person doesn’t know how to return your openness, which is indicative of emotional unavailability.
This also holds true to how time spent together is reciprocated. If you are constantly the one who is initiating meetups and dates, that’s something to pay attention to as well.
“That’s at least a pink flag,” says Taris. “The purpose of dating is for fun and for exploring long-term compatibility. Relationships take work, but it should be fun. You should want to tell each other about yourselves. And you should want to see the other person the more attached you become.”
3. They Are Guarded About Their Past
If you don’t know much about your partner’s past or there is a fear on your end to reveal your own history, it might be a sign of emotional unavailability.
It’s not that the person is being cagey about their past or trying to withhold questionable secrets from you. It has more to do with not wanting to reveal anything too deep and personal, which could attach them to another person.
“Many emotionally unavailable people have an ‘avoidant attachment’ style,” says Taris. “This means their needs weren’t met as a child, so they avoid intimacy or have a fear of it. They keep a guard around themselves from fear that what they faced in childhood doesn’t happen again.”
Not wanting to talk about the past could be a sign that someone who is emotionally unavailable hasn’t properly dealt with it. Or an emotionally unavailable person might have a healthy sense of distance with their past, but isn’t fully aware of the impact that past trauma has had on them.
That’s not to say that someone who had a less-than-ideal childhood is doomed to be emotionally unavailable. But trying to avoid their past likely won’t be the best approach.
“The healthiest way to go about this is to integrate your past. To say, ‘These things happened, it’s part of who I am, and this is how I go forward with it,’” says Taris. “That way you’ve processed it, you’ve accepted it, you’ve found what you can learn from it, what you can throw away, and then you move forward.”
4. Your Relationship Isn’t Progressing
Not wanting to commit to a long-term relationship or take the relationship to another level can be a sign that someone is emotionally unavailable, unless you’ve both been clear you’re not looking for that. “The [emotionally unavailable] person may even sabotage the relationship when it is going well or seek some type of exit in hopes of slowing it down,” explains Tzall. He says they also might try to create unreasonable boundaries as a way to keep distance.
Examples of unreasonable boundaries include limiting the amount of time they spend with their partner; putting no effort, or only minimal effort, into making plans; or only allowing certain activities as dates.
“This usually means that the person has little to no consideration for the other. The lack of consideration can be centered around their own enjoyment. Or they may not plan dates because they don’t know what the person likes, having never taken the time to ask the person what they enjoy. They are withdrawn from wanting to build a lasting connection,” says Tzall.
5. The Emotionally Available Person Stops Wanting to Share
If you’re typically open about sharing your emotions with family and friends and with past partners, but suddenly feel uneasy doing so with this particular person, that is your intuition telling you that you might be with an emotionally unavailable person.
“If you feel like you’re afraid to share, you might be mirroring [an emotionally unavailable partner]. There’s a lot of energy carried in relationships and emotions, so pay attention to how you feel,” says Taris.
6. Intimacy Is More Physical Than Emotional
The desire for physical intimacy can depend on your age and stage of the relationship, notes Taris, so wanting nonstop physical intimacy — especially in the beginning — isn’t necessarily a telltale sign of emotional unavailability. But if you notice that sex is the only time your partner is intimate with you (and you haven’t signed up for a strictly “friends with benefits” setup), then it might be a sign of emotional unavailability.
“A red flag is when they want to keep a relationship on the surface while you want to go deeper,” says Taris. “If you feel you’re being intimate in an emotional way but all they want is sex, that might mean emotional unavailability. Or it might just mean you both want something different.”
As Kors explains, intimacy is often used as a euphemism for sex when, in reality, sex is only one small aspect of intimacy. “[Sex] can intensify the experience of intimacy and inspire a feeling of connection. All of this can happen independently of the development of emotional intimacy.”
If you’re in the market for a lasting relationship, it might make sense to wait to be sexually intimate if you’re unsure whether your partner is emotionally unavailable, Kors says. If that ship has already sailed, then it’s best to approach emotional intimacy as its own separate journey, she adds. If all you’re both looking for is a short-term fling, make that clear from the start.
Does Emotional Unavailability Mean Your Relationship Is Doomed?
The short answer? No, it’s not doomed. But it’s going to take work and willingness on the emotionally unavailable person’s part for the relationship to move forward.
As Tzall explains, an emotionally unavailable relationship is going to have a ceiling at some point. A healthy relationship simply cannot survive on surface-level intimacy.
“I would compare it to putting the wrong gas in your car. It will work for a while and you might believe there is no difference. But over time, it will start to sputter and eventually the whole system seizes,” says Tzall. “This is not to say that someone who is emotionally unavailable can’t change and grow. The person will want and need to if they desire to be [in a meaningful relationship].”
Therapy is likely your best course of action if you or your partner may be emotionally unavailable. Taris recommends starting with individual therapy before progressing to couples therapy. (A therapist can also help if you are worried that you’re in a relationship that is toxic or if you have concerns that you’re seeing love bombing rather than healthy behavior.)
The encouraging news is that being emotionally unavailable doesn’t have to be the end of your story! With therapy and resources, you can change course — both on an individual level and in your relationships.
