Saying no to requests and invitations can make you feel guilty about letting people down. But saying yes when you don’t want to can lead to resentment and burnout because you’ve let yourself down. Here’s what the experts advise for holding healthy boundaries and saying no with grace.
Surely we’ve all been there: Someone — a friend, family member, coworker — makes a request of us, and while every fiber of our being wants to say no, we end up saying yes. Even though we dread following through with what we’ve agreed to, we grin and bear it anyway.
So why do we say yes when we really mean no? According to psychotherapist Nancy Colier, author of The Emotionally Exhausted Woman: Why You're Feeling Depleted and How to Get What You Need, it’s “because [women especially] are so heavily conditioned to be likable and pleasing,” she explains to DailyOM. “Saying yes is what is wanted from us, and so, in an effort to be pleasing and secure our emotional safety and belonging, we abandon our own needs.”
Saying no when you need to, however, is essential to your mental health. A recent study that looked at people working from home during the pandemic found that those who were able to hold better boundaries between work and their home lives (by taking better care of themselves through exercise and other activities) reported greater levels of happiness.
When a holiday or special occasion approaches, and more obligations or requests get thrown our way, saying no becomes more important than ever. Here’s what the experts say about why holding boundaries is necessary and how to say no gracefully to minimize guilt.
Why Saying No Is Hard
One of the reasons it’s difficult to say no is because you might worry about hurting someone’s feelings and then dealing with the feelings of guilt that result.
“Anyone who identifies as a people-pleaser may feel intense stress and anxiety around saying no,” psychiatrist Anisha Patel-Dunn, MD, chief medical officer of LifeStance Health, tells DailyOM. Dig into why you feel anxious around saying no, Dr. Patel-Dunn suggests, particularly if there are certain people in your life whom you feel particularly worried about saying no to. “It may be time to reevaluate these relationships and reflect on whether they have a healthy dynamic,” she advises.
A habit of saying yes when you mean no can also have roots in your family of origin, explains psychologist Stephanie Kriesberg, PsyD, author of Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Quiet the Critical Voice in Your Head, Heal Self-Doubt, and Live the Life You Deserve.
“For example, if you grew up in a family in which it was not okay to express your feelings, or if your parents got angry if you expressed your needs, then you might have an automatic reaction of fear when it comes to speaking up for what you really want or think,” Kriesberg tells DailyOM. “We might not make the connection between our past and present experiences intellectually. Instead, we react with intense emotions or reactions in our bodies, such as self-doubt, guilt, a clenched stomach, or a racing heart.”
Kriesberg calls these reactions “feeling memories” and she suggests starting to notice when these come up for you and in which circumstances. Over time, you can start to break those patterns.
Interested in learning more? Check out Speak With Purpose, Not Impulse
The Mental Health Benefits of Saying No
Holding boundaries has a number of mental health benefits. In addition to increased happiness, as mentioned previously, you’re also less likely to feel burned out when you say yes with discretion.
“Saying ‘yes’ may feel good in the moment because you are making another person happy or doing them a favor, but in the long run, overextending yourself can lead to feeling depleted and burned out,” Patel-Dunn says.
You’re also less likely to feel resentful toward others when you hold these boundaries around your time and energy. According to Colier, saying yes from a place or “should” or “must” leads to resentment. When your yes doesn’t come from a place of authenticity, this creates “a feeling of being trapped, treated unfairly, demanded upon, and taken advantage of.”
5 Strategies for Saying No
When it comes to actually saying no, experts offer the following tips to help you clarify your decision making and bow out of the request gracefully, without compromising your own wants and needs.
1. Understand Your No
First, be honest with yourself about why you want to decline the request. “I do think there’s a difference between setting a healthy boundary and avoiding an uncomfortable situation that may be important to deal with for personal growth,” Patel-Dunn says. For instance, if you’re saying no to a challenging work project because of a fear of failure, rather than an actual threat of burnout, it may be worth reflecting on why your instinct is to decline what could be a growth opportunity.
2. Practice With Obvious Nos
Start saying no to requests that are clearly not going to work for you. “These are the ones where you absolutely know that you don’t want to say yes and are really forcing yourself to do it,” Colier says. “For example, ‘No, I can’t pick you up at the airport at midnight when I have a 7 a.m. meeting the next morning.’”
Each time you are able to say no when your first impulse was yes, be sure to acknowledge to yourself that you are building healthy boundaries.
3. Take Your Time
You don’t need to give an answer to someone’s request right away. “When we struggle with setting boundaries, we often feel pressured to respond immediately, and that response is often yes when we want to say no,” Kriesberg says. “Practice saying something like ‘Thank you for thinking of me. I’ll check my calendar and get back to you’ or ‘Let me give me that some thought.’”
4. Resist the Urge to Make Excuses
Decline an ask without justifying your decision or trying to solve the problem for the person asking. “Simple is best,” Kreisberg says. “Say: ‘That doesn’t work for me. Thank you for asking.’” If you’re declining an invitation, she suggests adding when you’re looking forward to spending time with the person next, like “I can’t make brunch this weekend. I’m looking forward to seeing you at book club next week!”
5. Validate Feelings Without Apologizing
When it comes to saying no to children, Kriesberg says it’s essential to validate their feelings while at the same time setting a healthy boundary. “Let’s say your child wants to play a video game you think is too violent, so you tell her no,” she explains. “You can say: ‘You’re mad. I get it. It’s okay. I love you no matter what.’”
(This strategy could potentially be useful in adult situations, too, particularly with adults who act like children when they don’t get their way.)
Saying No Without Guilt
While there are times when you might need to say yes when you want to say no out of obligation or to be there for a loved one, Colier says that most of us don’t need to worry about prioritizing other people’s needs, particularly if we are women.
“Women are in no danger of saying no too often,” she says. “I would suggest that we get more comfortable and skilled at saying no and doing so without guilt and shame. We need to get better at trusting that our needs matter and that we are, in fact, allowed to prioritize ourselves without feeling bad about ourselves.”
However, there may be times when you set a boundary and someone pushes back with anger or hurt feelings. “This is bound to happen, particularly when you are changing the game and drawing new and clearer or more strict boundaries,” Colier explains. “You are not at fault for wanting to take care of yourself, and you do not need to fix their hurt or anger. Both your boundaries and their upset can coexist.”
The best way to handle the situation is to acknowledge the other person’s feelings without apologizing for your need to say no. Your needs are still valid even when they upset other people.
The feelings of discomfort that come up when you disappoint or even anger someone by saying no will take time to get used to, Colier adds. While saying no may not roll off your tongue easily at first, with time and practice you’ll be able to speak your truth and hold your boundaries, giving you more time to enjoy the things you actually want to say yes to.
