Dark empaths know just what you are feeling, and they use that knowledge for their own gain. Here’s how to protect yourself.
Have you ever known someone who could almost miraculously push your buttons? They know just what you’re feeling, and then they use that understanding to tug on your heartstrings for their own benefit. For example, a romantic partner might pick up on your feelings of insecurity and prey on them to keep you hooked. If this sounds familiar, you may be in the presence of a dark empath.
“Dark empaths are very skilled at picking up your signals. They can read you like a book. That is why they come across as so charming,” explains Mary Joye, a mental health counselor, life coach, and DailyOM instructor of the From Codependent to Independent course.
The term itself sounds like the name of a sci-fi movie villain, and the concept of a dark empath has taken social media by storm. (One video describing the phenom has garnered more than 6 million views and counting.)
Social media buzz aside, “dark empath” is not officially a clinical diagnostic term, but many of us recognize such a person in our own lives right now, and this personality type is emerging as the subject of serious research.
Here’s a guide to dark empaths so you can identify and protect yourself against any such people you might encounter.
Interested in learning more? Check out Be Free From Unhealthy Relationships.
What Is a Dark Empath?
An empath is someone highly skilled in picking up on the emotions of others. Empaths don’t simply understand what the other person is experiencing; they feel it along with them. Talking with a sad friend makes an empath feel like crying, too. Typically, warmhearted empaths use their ability to deepen rapport with others, making them wonderful listeners and natural caretakers, says Katie T. Larson, PhD, a transpersonal hypnotherapist, personal growth coach, and founder of GrowthQuests.
But empathy is not always used for good. The term “dark empath” was coined in 2021 when a group of international researchers wondered if high levels of empathy could be found in certain individuals who also measured high in what is known as “dark traits.”
Think of personality as a collection of traits that each of us has in different degrees and various combinations. “People who rate high in dark personality traits, such as narcissism and Machiavellianism, are more likely to be callous, disagreeable, and antagonistic,” says one of the lead researchers, Nadja Heym, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Nottingham Trent University in the UK.
In the past, most psychologists assumed people who measured high in dark traits generally had little capacity for empathy, making them more dangerous and aggressive. (As an example, think of a narcissist who uses, then carelessly discards, others when they no longer serve their needs.)
To see if high levels of empathy could, in fact, coexist with these dark traits in an individual, the researchers collected personality assessments from some 1,000 people drawn from the general population. Their findings were published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences in July 2020. The results: Some 20 percent of subjects had high scores on both dark traits and empathy. “We named this profile Dark Empaths,” says Heym. “There might be a superhero out there somewhere with this name, but we were the first ones to come up with this term in the scientific literature and to test it empirically.”
Signs of a Dark Empath
This combo of dark traits and empathy can make this group master manipulators: The researchers found that dark empaths pull others’ strings through such techniques as malicious humor (jokes meant to belittle the other person) and by inducing guilt in others. And dark empaths are slick about it: “The danger of this personality profile is that their empathy and resulting social skills make their darkness harder to spot,” says Heym.
“Dark empaths are dangerous because of their skill. They look for your weak spots and they don’t mind harming other people to get what they want.”
While dark empaths are portrayed as pure villains on TikTok, in fact, their high empathy fortunately acts as a “brake” on the aggression that dark traits foster, explains senior researcher Alexander Sumich, PhD, professor of psychology at Nottingham Trent University. “They have a tendency to hurt people, but because they understand your feelings, they are not as aggressive as people with dark traits who are low in empathy.”
Are dark empaths born or made? Our personalities are always a complex brew of nature and nurture, says Larson. “I believe a dark empath personality type might, in some cases, have roots in childhood trauma. If you are raised with caregivers who are unreliable or who struggle with their own issues, you get very sensitive about picking up the vibes of others and using that knowledge to survive,” she says. In other words, you read the room.
Being in a relationship with a dark empath can be “perplexing and confusing,” says Heym. Adds Sumich, “They know what you are thinking. They might show sadness when you cry, but still manipulate you.” You are left wondering: My partner seems to understand me and feel for me, yet why do they still keep doing this to me?
How to Protect Yourself From Dark Empaths
While research continues, some therapists say they are seeing and hearing about this personality type in practice. “Dark empaths are dangerous because of their skill. They look for your weak spots and they don’t mind harming other people to get what they want,” says Joye. Outside of her therapy practice, she has also encountered this combo of traits in everyday life. “One person told me, ‘I’m an empath with a cold, black heart,’” the expert says.
Joye offers advice to avoid being manipulated by a dark empath. For starters, look for certain clues you are dealing with this type.
“They may ask a whole bunch of questions about you under the guise of getting to know you,” explains Joye. “That makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. You think, ‘They want to get to know the real me!’ But they share very little about themselves.” She adds that dark empaths may also “love bomb” you at first, showering you with grand displays of affection and attention in order to gain power over you.
As your relationship progresses, they might find ways to alienate you from others to “protect” you, Joye says. For example, this might look like the dark empath telling you, “I don’t think your sister has your best interest at heart. Don’t listen to her. What I think you should do is ….”
If you are an empath yourself, you may be able to pick up on a dark empath’s vibes if you pause and tune in, says Joye. “You might feel chills up your spine. You may get a strange feeling around them. Listen to that; don’t discount it. Pay attention to what your body is telling you.”
To prevent the person from getting a hold over you, you need to protect yourself. For example, if your new coworker wants to know everything about you, resist her charms and keep your conversation light. And if you think you might be in a romantic relationship with a dark empath, beware. “I tell people not to bother trying to set boundaries with them,” says Joye. ”A boundary is just a challenge for a dark empath. Silence and distance are the best ways to avoid getting hurt.”
