If your youth was sprinkled with fairy tales and rom-coms, then grandiose affection and praise from a new love might seem idyllic — a sign you’ve found “The One.” Your perfect match. But when these gestures are used to manipulate you, it’s love bombing, and this may be the first sign of an emotionally unhealthy relationship. Here’s what this sneaky tactic is, and why you should be concerned if you’re the recipient of too much too soon when it comes to intense attention from a new romantic partner.
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The History of “Love Bombing”
The term “love bombing” came about in the 1970s, when it was used to describe ways that a particular cult recruited new members. Existing members showered new recruits with attention, hand-holding, and intimate eye contact to get them to join.
Now, through social media, relationship experts, abuse survivors, and dating hopefuls alike can discuss and learn about relationships, narcissistic abuse, and the complexities in between. The subject of love bombing frequents these conversations. A recent Google search yielded more than 58,100,000 results for “love bombing,” and the hashtags #lovebomb and #lovebombing are popular on Instagram and TikTok.
So what does love bombing actually mean?
What Is Love Bombing?
Most people aim to make a good impression when starting a relationship. And some extra romance or better-than-usual behavior isn’t a bad thing. Presenting a date with flowers or sending a genuine, complimentary text after a shared evening out, for example, is perfectly fine, as is showing genuine interest in liking you and wanting to get to know you better.
It’s when your new partner revs those efforts waaay up and pairs them with manipulative intentions that you have a love-bombing disaster.
“Love bombing is described as overfunctioning with praise, attention, and/or validation at the beginning of a new relationship,” says Gabrielle Wynschenk, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist based in Connecticut. “This typically occurs because one person wants to be perceived as a worthy partner to move forward in the relationship.” It often escalates the seriousness of a new relationship with malicious intent, such as “covering up a flaw or challenge with an overload of affection,” she adds.
Love Bombing vs. Infatuation: Key Differences
Maliciousness is what differentiates well-intended over-the-top gestures from love bombing, Wynschenk notes. You might express extra flattery because of an anxious attachment style, for example, but that’s not love bombing!
As an example, Wynschenk recently worked with a couple in which one partner bombarded the other with extravagant gifts and compliments early on, which fostered a sense of closeness. Soon, however, it came out that the love-bombing partner was still in the middle of divorcing someone else. “The excessive affectionate behavior in the early stages of the relationship was intended to soften the blow of the shocking news,” Wynschenk explains.
5 Signs That “Romantic” Gestures Are Actually Love Bombing
1. The Gestures Are About Impressing You (and Others)
Let’s say you’ve recently started dating “Joe.” For your first date, Joe picks you up in a sleek sports car and drives you to a swanky restaurant where he hands you a bouquet of roses. When a jazz singer starts crooning, he takes your hand and slow-dances you around the room. At your office the next morning, you arrive to find more bouquets of roses covering your entire desk, each one signed “Love, Joe.”
Behind closed doors, Joe’s facade gradually lifts. Looking back, you realize that the car was a rental, meant only to impress you. He only dances with you or presents you with lavish gifts in front of others.
Maliciousness is what differentiates well-intended over-the-top gestures from love bombing.
And it’s working. Even your coworkers and friends swoon over Joe. So later, when you reveal his jealous, controlling behaviors, few take your concerns seriously. (“As in Joe, Joe? I’m sure it’ll work out.”)
In other words, Joe’s love-bombing behaviors are malicious — the defining factor that Wynschenk pointed out — in that they’re designed only to impress you and others versus being actual signs of caring about your wants or needs. And it’s basically the gateway to a controlling relationship. If your inner circle believes your partner to be a wonderful, non-harmful person, your partner may be able to control you more easily as time goes on.
2. The Relationship Grows Serious Fast
As Wynschenk pointed out, love bombing often accelerates the pace of a relationship. From a manipulative person’s stance, the faster they can lure you in, the better. Whether they’re fully conscious of it or not, they may take advantage of the early passion in a relationship because that’s when bonding hormones run highest. And the tighter your bond early on, the more likely they may be to “keep” you.
When Rachel S. was a fashion student in Miami, she tells DailyOM, a tall, attractive man swept her off her feet. “I couldn’t believe how much we had in common,” she adds. “It turns out he was agreeing with everything I said and basically studying me so he could get me.”
The man gave Rachel gifts, read her poetry, and drove her to class every day following their first date. Within weeks they exchanged “I love yous.”
“The control snuck up on me,” Rachel recalls. “He started following me, reading my texts and emails … and pretty soon I had no life besides him. Since we lived together with a lease in my name, it was way more complicated to sort things out.”
Meanwhile, the seemingly romantic gestures came to a halt, unless they’d had a fight related to his suffocating behaviors. “Then [the love bombing] would start up again and I would think maybe he went back to how he was before.” Only he was always the controlling person, Rachel learned over time, and the “before” was all a tactic.
3. Your Partner Has Low Self-Esteem
It can be easy to assume that a controlling partner who seems fixated on their own needs has sky-high self-esteem. But a study conducted at the University of Arkansas in 2016 linked love bombing with narcissism and low self-esteem. (Narcissism in general often involves low self-worth from childhood wounds.)
Any low self-esteem you pick up on might make a controlling relationship difficult to walk away from. Your partner may even use their low self-worth to win your affection after rockiness. (“I need you. You’re the only one who can help me change ….”)
Stay mindful of these risks, especially if you’re deeply compassionate. “People who are highly empathetic and caring can be more prone to abandon their own needs when a loved one is struggling,” says Wynschenk, adding that this is especially likely when your partner’s needs are expressed as highly critical. “In those moments, it can feel like their loved one’s needs and feelings matter more, so they take those feelings on as their own where it’s their job to ‘fix’ or ‘heal’ the hurting partner.”
Caring about your partner’s problems is a good thing, but their self-esteem issues or lingering childhood wounds do not excuse their abusive behavior. Rather than lean on you to shoulder those burdens, they should be working with a trained mental health professional.
“Those of us who are highly empathetic need to protect our energy, otherwise we become too aware of the feelings around us and are at risk of taking on those emotions, which often looks like abandoning ourselves for the sake of others,” adds Wynschenk.
We all deserve closeness that meets our needs, she says, so get curious about what your core values are in relationships. And if you find yourself in a dynamic that doesn’t meet your needs, reach out for your own support.
4. You Long to Go Back to the Beginning
As problems accumulate with the partner who love-bombed their way into your life, you may find yourself longing to return to the beginning — back to the romantic person and the intimacy you experienced then. But true intimacy doesn’t come out of fakery.
“Intimacy is built on trust that develops over time, vulnerability, and honesty,” Shadeen Francis, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in sex therapy, tells Daily OM. “These are not present in love bombing.”
In a healthy relationship, the intense passion from the beginning naturally wanes somewhat, but it’s replaced with deepening closeness. You can still feel that “spark” of passionate love, especially if you make novel experiences a priority. But it’s actually a good sign if your relationship isn’t 24/7 passionate heat.
Whether done intentionally or out of emotional distress, Francis adds, love bombing “creates a false sense of closeness in a relationship that might look or sound like intimacy but lacks genuine connection,” she adds.
In other words, there may be no true intimacy to return to.
5. They Leave When You’re No Longer Useful
People who love-bomb don’t always stick around. In fact, if they stop receiving what they desire, whether it’s your constant praise or free room and board in your apartment, they’re likely to flee.
“Because love bombing is a tool, once the person using it gets what they want or is unsatisfied with what they get — usually if the other person sets a boundary or is unavailable — they typically end the relationship, often by disappearing,” Francis points out.
Being ghosted can feel terrible, resulting in sadness and hurt feelings. But being left without warning or discussion is most likely another sign that this person isn’t able to be in a healthy, adult relationship.
When to Save a Love-Bombing Relationship
Not all love-bombing relationships are emotionally abusive. While the tactic is frequently associated with narcissistic abuse, there are exceptions, according to Wynschenk.
If your partner love-bombs you because they learned poor behaviors — meaning they’ve been malicious at times, but not abusive — positive changes may salvage the relationship, should you desire that.
“Many people lack the willingness to look at their relational patterns and choose healthier alternatives,” says Wynschenk. “Therapy can help people unlearn problematic relational behaviors such as love bombing. If there is motivation to seek out support and commit to making changes, then there is always hope to become a better partner.”
If you really want to work things out, consider seeing a couples therapist together. While some issues may be best suited for individual counseling for each of you, couples therapy can help you learn to better communicate and evolve together, making way for long-term satisfaction. It may even help you decide whether or not a relationship is truly worth repairing.
Getting Out of an Abusive Love-Bombing Relationship
When you decide to leave a love bomber, on the other hand, the breakup may feel catastrophic. If the emotional manipulation and deviousness you’ve experienced lands on the more moderate part of the spectrum, appropriate support can go far. A trained professional, such as a therapist or counselor, can be a huge help, giving you clarity so you don’t feel you have to shoulder everything on your own.
Unfortunately, love bombing can also be an abusive tactic that leads to more harm, say the experts, and abusive behaviors often escalate when the victimized partner leaves. If your relationship has become unsafe, a therapist or an advocate can help you create a safety plan, and you can even chat live with someone anonymously through the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
For Rachel, therapy helped her see that she needed to end her relationship, and supported her once she did. “From there, I just really started working on myself,” she says, noting that having creative outlets and spending time in nature helped.
Looking back on the relationship now, she sees the unhealthy dynamic and abuse with more clarity. “That’s always easiest,” she adds. “But I’ve learned not to blame myself. Abusive people like him are really good at what they do …. I want others to know that if this happens to you, it’s not your fault and you deserve better.”
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