Dreading an upcoming family gathering with your relatives? Learn from experts on how to navigate get-togethers with challenging family members, set healthy boundaries, and use confrontation as a positive tool to make the next family reunion a lot more bearable.
For many people, getting together with family can be a contentious time. At dinnertime, you may get into family drama about politics and current events. And then comes dessert, along with the open forum about why you haven't settled down yet. (But Aunt Edna knows a nice boy you should meet!) And on yes, what exactly are you doing with your career these days? Because your perfect cousin Jennifer is a surgeon. Did you know that?
The election might be over, but the politically charged conversations at the family table are far from done. And then comes dessert, along with the open forum about why you haven’t settled down yet. (But Aunt Edna knows a nice boy you should meet!) And, oh yes, what exactly are you doing with your career these days? Because your perfect cousin Jennifer is a surgeon. Did you know that?
Ah, family. It’s not that they’re toxic — it’s just that they’re not always your cup of tea, yet you still like (maybe even love?) them enough to pay them a visit.
But what if this year could look more like a Norman Rockwell painting and less like the Jerry Springer show?
While we can’t make any promises, we do have some strategies that will help you stay as unruffled as possible — even when Aunt Edna asks for the fiftieth time why you aren’t married yet.
Take Time to Prepare
Before you go, do some journaling. Think and write about the issues in your family that tend to be the most triggering, especially during the holidays or other so-called “special” occasions that can feel anything but special.
“What you don’t want to do is to get drawn in, and that’s really easy for all of us because no one can push our buttons like our family members. They know us, grew up with us, know our weak links, so they will consciously or unconsciously push those buttons,” says Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist and author of Joy from Fear, whom DailyOM interviewed for this story.
Use your journal to write down all the hot spots that you know will trigger you, such as unwanted comments about your appearance, career, love life, or political beliefs. “When you’re more aware of these hot spots and how you will navigate them, you will be able to approach them from a place of observing and not judging,” Dr. Manly explains. “That’s an important piece. When we judge, we get ‘hooked in’ and our emotions get hot.”
Boundaries will only be as strong as your willingness to follow through on the consequences if your boundaries are crossed.
While you have your journal out, your next task is to begin the crucial work of setting boundaries, starting with a list of what you value most.
“Boundaries are easier to create when you know what you’re protecting,” Kathryn Ely, a licensed professional counselor and founder of Empower Counseling & Coaching, tells DailyOM.
Ely suggests using a framework where you journal about your value in each of the following eight categories: mental health and physical well-being; your intimate love relationship; parenting and family; friends and community; career and finances; spirituality and faith; learning and self-growth; and adventure and leisure.
“When you determine what is most important to you in [these eight categories] of your life, that becomes your compass. Every action either takes you closer [to] or farther away [from what you value]. It becomes your guide for the boundaries you need,” says Ely.
Interested in learning more? Check out Narcissistic Relationships: From Surviving to Thriving
How to Deal With a Disrespectful Family Member
Now, here’s the key part: Boundaries will only be as strong as your willingness to follow through on the consequences if your boundaries are crossed. “When you’re creating boundaries, it’s imperative to know the consequences. It does no good to create a boundary if you don’t enforce it,” says Ely.
That means clearly communicating with challenging family members what that boundary is and what will happen if they don’t respect it.
Manly suggests a “three-strike rule” when communicating and enforcing boundaries.
If someone crosses your line, make it clear that they have crossed it and politely ask that they not do it again. If they do, you will leave. (Strike one.)
If it happens again, remind them that they have crossed your line and to please not do it again. If they do, you will leave. (Strike two.)
If it happens for the third time, that’s strike three, and it is crucial that you follow through with your ultimatum. Make it clear this was the third time and that you are now leaving. Also, make it clear that you will be taking a week (one month, three months, however long you decide) of silence from them. And it’s okay to need more time even after that time passes, says Manly.
How to Deal With Challenging Parents and In-Laws
Honesty about your feelings and strong communication will always be your best allies when it comes to dealing with parents or in-laws, especially when they still treat you as a child and have trouble respecting how you have changed and grown. And it’s best to tackle that elephant in the room prior to the event.
One of Ely’s tactics is to ground your tough conversations in a place of love and respect. This is particularly helpful to remember if you’ve had negative experiences with confrontation in the past. But, as Ely notes, confrontation can be very beneficial to a relationship when you approach it with compassion and honesty.
For example, says Ely, if you have a parent who has difficult expectations of you, the confrontation might look like this:
“I love you and I’m sure you mean well, but when you say things like x, y, or z, it makes me feel like my results are more important to you than how I feel as a person, and that’s not okay with me. We’re going to have to do things differently moving forward. If this happens [insert the thing they say or do here], then this will happen [insert what the consequence is for breaking that boundary here].”
Another helpful strategy is to role-play as many scenarios and conversations that could arise during an event with difficult parents or in-laws ahead of time. You can do this with your partner, a trusted friend, or even yourself in front of a mirror.
“With family, it’s hard to keep our emotional regulation in check,” says Manly. “[Role play] gives you a chance to practice in a safe environment and helps you determine at what point you’ll walk away.”
Manly also suggests practicing this one simple, yet effective response to disarm any unwelcome comments: “I see your perspective. Thank you for sharing that.”
How to Deal With Difficult Siblings
Having grown up under the same roof, siblings have a way of getting under each other’s skin like no one else can.
Something to help keep your emotional regulation in check around challenging family members such as siblings is to identify what they may use as “bait” to rock the boat, notes Manly. Perhaps it was a nickname they tease you with or a memory they know will make you hot with embarrassment.
When you can recognize that and calmly detach yourself from their “hook” by reminding them of your boundary (and perhaps giving them a “strike”), the better you’ll be able to stay composed and in control.
Also, it’s useful to recognize that all of your emotions are good, explains Manly. It’s how you use those emotions that can make an outcome either positive or negative. Anger, for example, is “telling us that our boundaries are being crossed,” she says.
When you feel that anger, recognize it or — better yet — communicate it. One way to do that: “I feel angry [or hurt] when you say that. I would prefer you do this [insert your desired outcome] in the future,” says Manly.
Again, don’t be afraid to follow through with your three-strike rule if your boundary isn’t being respected.
Ways to Cope With Extended-Family Issues
One of the best ways to deal with extended family? Step into the background and become “a fly on the wall,” suggests Manly. Stay quiet and observe the family dynamics, the conversations, what “bait” is triggering other people. Being an observer rather than a participant will help you detach yourself from any difficult behavior they might be exhibiting and see it as an extension of their own baggage.
Manly also suggests taking timeouts as often as needed. If you’re feeling triggered (but aren’t ready to make an exit quite yet), find a quiet place for a deep breath, perhaps in the kitchen.
“I love being in the kitchen and being the first person to clear the plates,” Manly says with a laugh. “Especially for introverts, going to the kitchen for a timeout, which is my go-to, is absolutely okay and healthy because you’re saying, I’m getting overloaded. You’re still part of the gathering, but you get your peace and quiet. Or go for a short walk. A lot of this is about self-care.”
Focus on What You Want
Is there anyone in your family you actually enjoy seeing and having a conversation with? Be clear about what you want from a gathering on a personal level and make that your focus.
“Let what you want be the driving factor, not what you don’t want, so that [challenging] person doesn’t get all the power and ruin the occasion for you,” says Ely. “Ask yourself: ‘What do I want to say that I did at the end of this [event]? Who is the person I want to be in this situation?’ And then refuse to let those [challenging] people get in your way of doing that, even if you have to step outside or take a timeout — whatever you need to do in that situation to keep your focus on the positive parts for you.”
It doesn’t even have to be a person. The positive thing you focus on can also be your mom’s apple pie — whatever it takes to make it through. And knowing that you got through a challenging family event with both your self-respect and sanity intact will make that apple pie even sweeter.
