What makes a family toxic enough to justify walking away from them? Experts share how to assess toxic relationships, set strong boundaries, use confrontation effectively, and know when it’s time to cut ties to protect yourself.
As everyone else is busy posting their happy family holiday photos, dressed in matching jammies like they’re straight out of a Macy’s catalog, you cringe at the thought of seeing your relatives. If you dread these get-togethers because of toxic family members, it can make holidays and other major occasions far more than just slightly stressful. In this article, we’ll discuss how to identify toxic family members, set healthy boundaries, use calm confrontation effectively, and know when it’s time to cut ties to protect your mental well-being.
Signs of a Toxic Family Relationship
A toxic relationship involves behavior that is erratic and emotionally abusive — and when it’s coming from someone who’s supposed to be a source of support and love, such as a parent or sibling, it’s incredibly painful to cope with. A toxic family member will act in unhealthy, unsupportive ways, such as:
- Manipulation
- Constant criticism
- Gaslighting
- Emotional blackmail
- Lack of empathy
- Excessive control
- Enabling of harmful behaviors
A more “normal” challenging family relationship typically involves stubborn people who have a difficult time seeing another point of view. While those types of relatives may drive you up the wall, and you may not want to spend all your free time with them, they don’t use manipulation or deception in order to maintain control.
“They might be immovable, and it might be challenging to get them to find middle ground, but that’s not necessarily toxic,” explains Danielle Zito, a board-certified psychiatric advanced practice nurse based in the Boston area. “On the other hand, if manipulation is going on, you can probably guess that this is a toxic relationship for you.”
Kelly (who requested only her first name be used for privacy and safety concerns) is a survivor of a toxic family upbringing who rarely sees her family members on holidays, preferring to celebrate with friends instead. She’s also cut some family members out of her life completely.
After taking a psychology class in college, Kelly began to recognize that some of the unsettling behavioral disorders she was learning about fit her family perfectly. She describes her mother as a narcissist and a sociopath who used manipulative tactics to create division among Kelly and her siblings.
“I lived in that chaos all of my life and did not recognize as a child that I was being emotionally abused,” Kelly tells DailyOM. “Many people don’t realize that their first encounter with a narcissist started in the very home that was supposed to be a safe haven.”
Kathryn Ely, a licensed professional counselor and founder of Empower Counseling & Coaching, whom DailyOM interviewed for this story, says, “For me, a relationship is toxic if it’s teaching you it’s not okay to be who you are. [Their] affection or love is conditional, or there’s a complete lack of consideration for your needs.” That sends a clear message that you’re not important or not of value to this person, Ely adds.
Interested in learning more? Check out Surviving Your Dysfunctional Family
Confrontation Can Be Positive
What perpetrates a toxic relationship is the fear of confrontation, says Ely, who uses something called acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) to reframe confrontation as a positive tool in transforming relationships.
“A lot of times, the reason toxic relationships go on for so long is because the individual who is suffering in the relationship is afraid of confrontation,” she explains, often because they’ve experienced confrontation that was unpleasant in the past. When you’re taught confrontation is “bad,” you’ll steer clear of it — but, she says, it’s actually an “opportunity to teach people how we must be treated and expect to be treated if we are to remain in a relationship with that person.”
Certain personality disorders, such as narcissism and sociopathy in Kelly’s mother’s case, commonly use “FOG” manipulation: fear, obligation, and guilt, explains Zito. Confrontation and setting boundaries with individuals who have personality disorders can be especially challenging when common tactics include manipulation and deception.
In Zito’s personal experience, her father had borderline personality disorder, which made for a toxic relationship — something she didn’t realize until, like Kelly, she moved away for college. Zito now recognizes how the manipulation tactics he used were coping mechanisms for him.
“He would threaten to leave and never come back if I didn’t show I loved him, and there were some threats of suicide,” Zito shares. “I didn’t understand at the time what was going on with him. I thought it was my responsibility to help, which obviously was a very stressful experience for a child to be in. I was the strongest connection he had, and he would play out these very dramatic manipulations with me. I was afraid for his life, for his health. There was a lot of guilt around our relationship and if I had fulfilled my relationship as a child and daughter.”
Recognizing Your Relative’s Toxic Baggage
Your toxic parent’s or sibling’s behavior is about their own insecurities or issues.
“When dealing with toxic people, it’s important to recognize that everything they say or do is all about them and has nothing to do with you. They’re the ones in control of their words or their actions,” explains Ely. “That’s them, that’s who they are, that’s the baggage they’re carrying. This changes the meaning you make out of your interactions with them.”
This revelation was what helped Kelly cope with her toxic family and eventually realize she needed to walk away from them.
“I had to process that the negative beliefs I had were projections from them. I knew it was enough when I realized that I was dealing with sociopathic people who were blame-shifting the hate for themselves onto me,” she says.
How Do I Set Boundaries With Toxic Parents, Siblings, and Other Family Members?
“Toxic relationships mean there are poor boundaries,” explains Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of Joy from Fear. If you’re in a toxic relationship, it’s likely that boundaries haven’t been set or enforced. Once you’re able to do so, it can be a game changer.
Before you see or speak with your toxic relative next, journal about what your boundaries are, and what the consequence will be if your family member crosses the line. Then stick to that plan with zero wavering.
If there’s extremely toxic behavior, like abuse or cruelty, that’s an instant deal-breaker and you should remove yourself from this person as soon as possible for your safety. For other situations, Dr. Manly says you may wish to give your relative a chance by reminding them that your boundary was crossed and that you will leave — or cease communication with them — if they cross it again. If they aren’t respecting your request, follow through with your ultimatum to walk away or cut off communication, or whatever your plan was.
An example of what you can say: “I realize this is toxic and it takes me days to recover, so I’m going to leave right now. I’ll talk to you in a week once I have a chance to cool down.”
Manly notes that your cooldown can be whatever time frame you wish, whether that’s a week or months. And it’s okay to take more time if you decide you need it.
In short, setting boundaries is essential in maintaining your mental well-being when dealing with toxic family members. Consider these strategies for establishing healthy boundaries:
- Decide for yourself what your boundaries are
- Clearly communicate your needs and expectations to your difficult relative
- Set limits on the time and energy you spend with toxic family members
- Be prepared to enforce your boundaries if they are crossed
- Seek support from trusted friends, a therapist, or a support group
Strategies for Confronting a Toxic Family Member
Confrontation can be tough, but in many cases, necessary to address toxic family relationships. Keep these tips in mind when confronting a toxic family member:
- Choose the right time and place for the conversation
- Remain calm and focused during the discussion
- Use "I" statements to express your feelings and experiences
- Offer potential solutions or compromises if applicable, but only if you are comfortable doing so
- Be prepared for potential resistance or denial from the toxic individual
Find Other Support for Toxic Relatives
People with personality disorders might try to engage you as a therapist or caretaker, claiming you’re the only person who can help them. The best boundary to set? Only offer outside resources when you’re asked for your help. Provide the number of a therapist or a support group. If there are threats of suicide or self-harm, call 911 immediately.
“It doesn’t matter if it’s a manipulation tactic. We never know when someone might harm themselves and it’s always better to err on the side of caution,” says Zito. “If [threatening suicide] was only a cry for help, they’re going to stop doing that once the police come to their house because it was not the outcome they were looking for. If that happens enough, they will either get the help they need or they will stop [threatening to hurt themselves] because it’s not what they want from that interaction.”
Should I Visit My Toxic Family?
If you’re in a toxic relationship, it really doesn’t matter how the person is related to you. Ely suggests letting go of the “shoulds” you might be telling yourself because you feel it’s your obligation as a son, daughter, in-law, or sibling to spend your time with this person.
“Just because someone is your mom or dad or your aunt or uncle doesn’t mean they get to affect you in such a negative way. It doesn’t mean you should have any certain relationship with them,” Ely stresses.
Zito adds, “If it’s not healthy for you and if you’re going to be anxious, you don’t have to [visit them]. If you feel it would be helpful for the relationship, go ahead and [visit them]. There are no must-dos in these situations.”
It’s okay to take breaks from seeing your family — and to take those breaks as often as you need them. Having space is healthy and necessary when evaluating how you want a relationship to continue, if at all.
Do what you need to do for your physical and mental health, Zito stresses. If that means taking time away from a toxic relative, do it. “In my personal life, there were stretches when I had to do that,” she says. “Just because I got better at dealing with [my father’s behavior] didn’t mean he was cured.”
How Do I Get Out of Toxic Family Holidays?
Instead of giving a generic excuse for why you’re skipping the next holiday season with your family, be forthcoming about the reason for your absence, if you feel it is safe to do so. Lying about why you’re not visiting may only perpetuate the stress, especially for you. So be honest — first with yourself, and then with them.
Passing on time with your toxic family may even provide an opportunity to create new traditions that leave you feeling uplifted rather than emotionally depleted, such as having dinner with friends, finding time to nurture yourself, seeking out a volunteer opportunity, or perhaps even seeing another family member who likewise has disconnected from the toxicity.
“Sometimes the family dynamics are so toxic, we realize we need to build a patchwork family that’s different from our DNA family. It might be friends, or people through work, and it’s important to realize that this is okay,” says Manly. “My clients who have highly toxic families often do better at staying cordial and maybe will visit on occasion for the holidays. But they are not trying to make those people fit into their paradigm of what a healthy family looks like.”
When Should You Walk Away From Your Toxic Family for Good?
This decision depends on your situation and what you are and aren’t willing to tolerate. The most important thing is to be clear about what crosses the line — and if someone crosses it, what to do.
“[Walking away is] a difficult decision to come to. Remove the should and ask yourself: Do you love this person enough to overlook their limitations and flaws and still love yourself? If you can, then you’re still getting something positive out of the relationship. But if you can’t get over that person’s limitations and you’re seeing yourself in a negative way, then you might want to step away for a little while,” says Ely. If the toxic behavior continues even after you’ve tried to address it, your mental health is being impacted, your boundaries are consistently disrespected, or your relative refuses to acknowledge their toxic behavior, seek help, or do anything to change their ways, that person can be draining and exhausting to be around.
As Zito notes, even people with personality disorders can have positive traits and offer value to a relationship, so long as strong boundaries with them are in place. “You have to ask if this is a relationship that has value in some way. Do you want it to continue?” Zito says. “My father was very supportive in lots of ways with school, with my success, and wanted to help in any way he could. Since there was love underlying our relationship, I did want to have a relationship. But that was only going to be achievable by setting very clear, strong boundaries.”
For Zito, going to a therapist with her father was beneficial. This helped her feel supported when setting boundaries with him. Even so, there were subsequent times when his behavior necessitated that she walk away and re-establish those boundaries. Zito notes that when you first set a boundary with a toxic person, their undesired behaviors tend to actually increase.
For Kelly, it wasn’t a specific event that caused her to walk away. It was the realization that her siblings’ negativity and manipulation were consistently harming her well-being.
“In order to save my mental health, I had to cut my siblings off. They work together to try and emotionally hurt me,” she says.
Kelly went on to receive therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder. After making the decision to no longer see her siblings, she set very strong boundaries with her mother, whom she sees and talks to about every three months — on Kelly’s terms. When there is a visit, Kelly will not stay under the same roof. When they talk, Kelly keeps the conversation at surface level, divulging little about her personal life, since her mother has sabotaged some of Kelly’s past relationships.
Kelly is proud and relieved to consider herself a survivor of her family’s toxicity. “Ever since I cut [my siblings] off and set boundaries with my mother, I am whole, healed, and successful,” she shares.
Zito advises, “You have to think about your health and well-being, because if you don’t, that relationship is not a two-way street anymore. You’re giving with no take, and that is not fair to you.”
