If you’re on social media, you might have noticed the uptick of posts about narcissism lately. From memes half-jokingly asking, “Is my boyfriend a narcissist?” to TikToks presenting the subtle signs of narcissism in relationships, narcissism is clearly having a moment right now.
Does your best friend claim their boss is a narcissist, or maybe your sibling insists that term describes your parent to a T? Ever wondered: Am I dating a narcissist? Have I dated a narcissist? Or even, Am I a narcissist?! In short, the word — and the meaning — is very much on our collective mind.
But narcissism isn’t simply a personality trait or an insult for someone who’s just self-absorbed. In fact, there’s a diagnosable condition called narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) that’s outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the American Psychiatric Association’s reference book on mental health conditions.To set the record straight on what’s narcissism and what’s just your average self-absorbed behavior, we consulted the experts on which is which. Here’s what they had to say.
Interested in learning more? Check out Narcissistic Relationships: From Surviving to Thriving
What Is Narcissism?
The definition of narcissism is an excessive interest in or admiration of oneself. The DSM definition of narcissistic personality disorder is “a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.” According to Beth Pausic, PsyD, director of behavioral health for Hims & Hers, a person can have some narcissistic traits without reaching the criteria to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.
“Many highly successful individuals display personality traits that might be considered narcissistic,” Dr. Pausic tells DailyOM. “Only when these traits are inflexible, maladaptive, [and] persisting, and cause significant functional impairment or subjective distress, do they constitute narcissistic personality disorder."
Narcissism isn’t simply a personality trait or an insult for someone who’s just self-absorbed.
Family therapist Karyl McBride, PhD, author of several books including Will the Drama Ever End?: Untangling and Healing from the Harmful Effects of Parental Narcissism, adds that narcissism is not a black-or-white distinction, but a spectrum disorder. “Think of it as a continuum, and along that line we start with a few traits that we all may have to an extent. The further you go along the spectrum [and] the more traits you have, or someone else has, the more problems they encounter,” including a greater likelihood of causing harm to their relationships, the expert tells DailyOM. “The far end of the continuum is the full-blown narcissistic personality disorder.”
Interested in learning more? Check out Narcissitic Relationships: From Surviving to Thriving
Why Is Narcissism Having a Moment?
If you’re feeling like the term “narcissism” is everywhere these days, you’re right. Its recent increase in popularity started around 2016, when politics veered in this direction and the word entered the public consciousness, clinical psychologist and author Ramani Durvasula, PhD, explains to DailyOM.
Neuropsychologist Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, notes that many of today’s biggest celebrities have been labeled as narcissists by the media, which contributes to the continued promotion (and potential misunderstanding) of the term. Not only that, but Dr. Hafeez believes the media actually “promotes narcissistic behavior, encouraging a stronger focus on the self, and celebrity culture, social media, movies, and TV shows are all examples of this,” she tells DailyOM.
All of this media attention, which doesn’t address the subtleties and nuances of narcissism, can lead to oversimplification and even uncertainty about what a narcissist actually is.
The misuse of the term is one thing, but actually being in a relationship with a narcissist can cause confusion in itself. You might sense something is wrong in your dynamic and the term “narcissist” can be a quick label to throw onto the other person, even if its meaning isn’t fully comprehended, says Dr. McBride. “Emotional and psychological abuse is difficult to explain and understand,” she adds. “It’s like trying to grab air. You know it’s there, but you can’t get your hands on it or your head to understand it enough to really explain it. You just know it feels terrible.”
What Differentiates a Self-Obsessed Person From a Narcissist?
There is a difference between being self-obsessed and being narcissistic. The following four traits are hallmark qualities of a narcissist, according to experts.
1. Lack of Empathy
According to Hafeez, narcissists struggle to empathize with others or understand their feelings. “They expect others to think and feel how they do, while also lacking remorse for others,” she says. “Self-absorbed people can be empathetic and relate to others, as well as change their behavior if they hurt you.”
2. Grandiosity
Like narcissists, self-absorbed people tend to talk about themselves a lot, crave attention from others, and may often exaggerate their achievements. But self-absorbed people don’t expect special treatment to the extent that narcissists do. “Narcissists’ sense of entitlement that they deserve the best and are to be treated as special can be a detriment in their personal relationships and parenting,” McBride notes.
3. Exploitation
McBride says narcissists often use others to gain something for themselves. “They take advantage of people in order to achieve their own ends,” she says. This is called being “interpersonally exploitative” and could come in many forms, like taking advantage of a more vulnerable person, profiting at the expense of someone else, or using someone to get ahead.
4. Fragility
While most people feel emotionally fragile from time to time, narcissists tend to have a “thin-skinned quality which shows up as them lashing out when things do not go their way or they feel insulted,” says Dr. Durvasula. A self-absorbed person is able to listen to feedback or constructive criticism at least somewhat openly. A narcissist, by contrast, will get angry and try to turn the tables when faced with any criticism. And while narcissists project a better-than-everyone-else image outwardly, they typically suffer inwardly from low self-worth.
In the end, Pausic says, knowing what actually constitutes narcissism can be empowering. “You may realize that you are in a romantic relationship with someone — or work with people — who display these traits.”
Can a Narcissist Change?
Because narcissism is a spectrum disorder, the fewer narcissistic traits a person has, the more hope there is for change, McBride says. However, she adds, when someone has a full-blown narcissistic personality disorder, they don’t typically come to therapy, and if they do, it’s because “they are complaining about someone else, they are not accountable for their own behavior, and they usually think they are much brighter and more special than others.” In other words, they’re not motivated to change their behavior.
The Consequences of Being Around a True Narcissist
Living with or working for a narcissist isn’t just distressing and unpleasant. The long-term consequences can be damaging. People with narcissist abuse syndrome caused by being in a romantic relationship with a narcissist find the negative impact the narcissist had on their lives continues even after the relationship has ended, much like those who have been on the receiving end of love bombing or other abusive behaviors. Narcissists can behave in a dominating way and, when they feel threated, lash out with aggression and hostility, which can be frightening and exhausting to be around. Other research has shown that those with NPD are more likely to have a history of interpersonal violence and have caused pain or suffering to those around them.That’s why it is so essential to be able to successfully identify a narcissist so you can steer clear of them whenever possible, and limit the time you spend around them if you’re not able to completely cut ties.
The Bottom Line
Remember that not everyone who is exhibiting self-absorbed behavior is actually a narcissist. Estimates are that between 0.5 percent and 5 percent of the population has NPD, with higher rates among men than women. “There are many mental health–related terms that we use daily, such as narcissism, depression, or anxiety, and the nuances of these words can mean different things depending on the context,” Pausic says. It’s important to educate yourself about terms like “narcissist” before putting a label on someone — especially on yourself.
