Gaslighting may sound like just another current internet trending term, but experts say it’s a real issue, and one that can negatively impact your life. Here are 9 ways to respond to a gaslighter.
The term “gaslighting” is all over social media, and though it may be a trendy topic, gaslighting can be a serious issue. It’s a form of psychological manipulation, says Kathy Nickerson, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist and nationally recognized relationship expert.
Gaslighters aim to make you question your memories, experiences, and perception to invalidate and confuse you, and to weaken your self-esteem and confidence. Why? To maintain power and control in the relationship.
Over time, a person who’s being gaslit “may find themselves isolating from family and friends, feeling more lonely, inferior, anxious, and depressed,” Dr. Nickerson tells DailyOM. This makes it difficult to make decisions — or, in some cases, even trust your own thinking.
9 Ways to Handle a Gaslighter
Sadly, because of the nature of gaslighting, you might not even realize that it’s happening to you. All of this is to say: If you feel like someone is gaslighting you — whether that be a romantic partner, friend, parent, or employer, or even by an institution to enforce social inequalities such as racism — trust your instincts and treat it like the serious issue it is. Here are expert-recommended tips on how to respond.
Interested in learning more? Check out Narcissistic Relationships: From Surviving to Thriving
1. Talk to the Other Person About It
First, it’s important to note that not all disagreements are gaslighting. Sometimes two people are in conflict and don’t see eye to eye, and may not even be able to come to a compromise on an issue. And sometimes another person just rubs you the wrong way and you’d prefer to spend as little time with them as possible.
Gaslighting, however, is manipulative behavior that seeks to make you question your own reality, such as denying that something happened when it did. Gaslighters invalidate you and cause you to question yourself and your beliefs, memory, and judgment. Basically, when another person is constantly minimizing your feelings or even refuses to agree to a shared reality, that’s when they’re veering into gaslighting behavior.
If you are starting to feel something is off between you and another person, it’s worth speaking to them, says Nickerson, who recommends asking them to change their behavior, specifically in terms of validating your feelings and experiences. You can focus on your own feelings. For example, you can say that their behavior has been bothering or upsetting you, and then ask them to work out a solution that works for both parties. They may not realize what they’re doing, and will make an effort to change. That’s a positive sign.
However, whether it’s a significant other, parent, or boss, if they’re unwilling to change their behavior, Nickerson suggests this may not be an emotionally safe relationship for you. That’s because a gaslighter typically won’t change their ways — at least not without a great deal of effort and hard work on their part.
2. Stay Calm When Confronting the Gaslighter
Many times, it’s not so much about what you say as how you say it. In a situation where someone might be subtly gaslighting or even just bullying you, licensed clinical psychologist Karen Bridbord, PhD, recommends confronting them in a calm way, or even being curious, asking questions like “What makes you think that?”
This is because, according to Dr. Bridbord, people prefer negative attention over no attention at all, so someone who is gaslighting you may be looking for a reaction. By not giving them this reaction, you’re not validating or encouraging their behavior.
If you’re in a situation where you’re being gaslit, show yourself some much-needed kindness. Remind yourself what is happening isn’t your fault and has nothing to do with who you are.
3. Develop Assertive Communication
Learning to assert yourself and your point of view is key to growing from a relationship in which you were gaslit. “That could be saying things like ‘I know what I experienced’ or ‘We remember that differently’ or ‘My emotions aren’t up for debate’ or ‘My feelings, my memories, my experiences — they’re valid’ or ‘I hear you, but that is not my experience,’” Bridbord says.
Doing so also gives the gaslighter the opportunity to correct their behavior and validate your point of view. And if that person persists in denying their actions and accusing you, that’s just another red flag that they’re gaslighting you.
4. Create a Listening Boundary
When you’re in a situation that you can’t easily exit — maybe the gaslighter is your parent or your boss — you can try to put the behavior in context by creating a listening boundary. It’s a bit like distancing yourself emotionally from the situation.
“For example, if your boss says something egregious, you remind yourself, ‘That’s not about me, that’s about them,’” licensed therapist and social worker Jason Polk explains to DailyOM. By doing this, Polk says, “you can listen to what they’re saying but can stay psychologically protected.” This isn’t easy to do, but with practice, you’ll get better at this skill, and be able to see your truth and trust your judgment, even in the face of a gaslighter’s attempts to make you question yourself.
5. Be Compassionate With Yourself
Empathy and gaslighting are opposites, so if you’re in a situation where you’re being gaslit, show yourself some much-needed kindness. Unfortunately, people who have been gaslit can, in some instances, experience serious, long-term effects, such as depression, anxiety, trauma, and a loss of self-confidence or self-worth. Remind yourself what is happening isn’t your fault and has nothing to do with who you are. Be abundantly gentle with yourself and your feelings as you heal, possibly with the help of a qualified therapist. “Therapy can really help people understand what’s happened and help them make better choices and grow and recognize where this self-doubt comes from,” Bridbord says.
6. Talk to Someone About It
One common effect that gaslighting has on victims is isolation. In extreme situations, gaslighters will turn victims against their families and friends, making it difficult for them to gain outside perspectives on the situation.
Because of this, Bridbord recommends talking about your experiences with someone you trust, who can validate your feelings and confirm that you are not, in fact, overreacting or imagining things. This can be a friend, a family member, or, as noted above, a therapist.
In the workplace, it’s really important to seek a safe place to discuss the behavior of a gaslighter. “In a healthy workplace that’s productive, there are points in place to protect the employee,” Bridbord says. This will most likely be the human resources department or higher management.
7. Keep a Record
When you’re being gaslit, you start to doubt your own memories. For this reason, the National Domestic Violence Hotline recommends keeping a record of any conflict or important incidents. This can be a journal, voice memos, photos, or correspondence with a co-worker. Keep this record a secret from the person who’s gaslighting you. For example, you can take photos using a disposable camera if the gaslighter has access to your phone. Lastly, email the records to a trusted friend, family member, or co-worker, in case you need them to validate your experience.
8. Step Away From the Relationship
It’s important to prioritize yourself and your safety over your relationship with a gaslighter, no matter who this person is. If they’re unwilling to change, take yourself out of the situation. In some instances, ending a toxic friendship or creating firm boundaries with an extremely challenging family member is all it takes for you to be able to feel better and begin to heal and move on, or you can get the help and support of a therapist to figure out how to best take care of yourself. In more serious situations, there are domestic violence programs that can help you leave an abusive relationship.
If you have a job with a colleague or supervisor who is gaslighting you, it may not be possible to leave right away, but do what you can to protect yourself, document what is going on so you have a record of it, speak with the HR department to see what your options are, and if all else fails, look to move to a new position as soon as you find one.
9. Seek to Heal Yourself
Unfortunately, if you were gaslit as a child, exiting the situation was most likely not an option for you. And, according to Bridbord, many times children aren’t aware that they were being gaslit until they’re already adults, because they don’t know any other reality.
The solution, then, is to seek healing for the things that have happened in your past by doing the necessary work of reparenting yourself.
“Be compassionate with yourself, and forgive yourself — this is not because of you,” Bridbord advises those who have experienced gaslighting as a child or adult. “People have communication patterns that are bigger than you, that you meet them with.”
Remind yourself that you can survive and thrive with the necessary support, tools, time, and care.
