Do you have a mother wound or a father wound? While the causes of these lingering wounds from our childhood are similar, the effects of them show up differently. Therapists share how to spot the signs of each type of wound and the five steps needed to start your healing journey.
Growing up with an abusive, emotionally absent, or detached parent can cause you to experience a mother wound or father wound (or, in some instances, both). When the hurt from those wounds is ignored and stifled, it doesn’t just go away, even when you’re an adult. Rather, the cycle of pain is prolonged as remnants of trauma and abuse get passed down from one generation to the next.
Unless you put a stop to it.
Read on to learn what causes the mother wound and father wound, the symptoms of each type of wound, and how to best care for yourself as an adult if you have one.
The Mother Wound vs. the Father Wound
The roots of both the mother and father wounds stem from some type of neglectful parenting, says Jacob Brown, a therapist in San Francisco. “In Western culture, we [typically] associate the mother with a sense of abundant love and acceptance. Your mother is seen as a place of refuge when the world injures you, physically or emotionally,” Brown tells DailyOM. On the other hand, the father is typically seen as “the protector, the provider of guidance, and [the parent who] supports you in moving out into the world.”
Brown says that the ways in which we feel disappointed by each parent are very different from each other, and the ways in which these wounds manifest once we’re adults can look different from one person to the next.
Interested in learning more? Check out How to Heal the Mother Wound
What Is a Mother Wound?
According to attachment-based theory, the bond between a child and a mother begins early, in utero, as a child gains a sense of security. When this connection of safety and security begins to unravel — for a whole host of reasons — that is when the mother wound can occur. In particular, a broken sense of security between mother and daughter can have a profoundly negative impact.
“The mother wound can have devastating effects on daughters,” says Allison Forti, PhD, an associate teaching professor in the Department of Counseling and associate director of Online Counseling Programs at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. “This secure base is missing in daughter-mother relationships with a mother wound, leading to insecure attachment.” And that shaky, insecure attachment, Dr. Forti tells DailyOM, “puts daughters at risk for low self-esteem, codependency, an inability to self-regulate emotions and self-soothe, and relationship challenges.”
That’s not to say that sons can’t also experience a mother wound. They certainly can. But the wound may manifest differently based on social, cultural, and systemic factors, explains Forti. A mother may be emotionally withholding toward her son due to societal norms in a patriarchal society (sticking to that old, tired adage that “big boys don’t cry,” for example). But for daughters, emotional neglect is more likely passed down because that was the generational messaging within the mother’s family as a child, which likely led to her own mother wound.
Sadly, it’s often a lack of awareness that contributes to the perpetuation of unhealthy, even toxic parenting from one generation to the next. “The mother wound comes from a mother who has her own wounds that have not been healed,” says Kimberly Parker, a licensed psychotherapist with Healthy Mind Counseling & Nutrition in Virginia and North Carolina, whom DailyOM spoke with for this story. “Adult women who have mother wounds from childhood may grow up to not only dislike themselves, but other women as well. The ‘mean girl’ persona and lashing out at other women [could be] due to unhealed trauma from a mother wound.”
Parker tells DailyOM that carrying a mother wound can cause a person to feel fundamentally not good enough, to seek love with the wrong people, and to make themselves emotionally unavailable due to a fear of being hurt. “You aren't taught what love and nurturing feel like because it was never shown to you,” she explains.
The Mother Wound and Sexism
Then there’s the added impact of living in a patriarchal society.
“Mothers carry forward their own wounding from development in a patriarchal society that differs from fathers. So a mother who may have internalized harmful beliefs about women may begin to pass on these beliefs to their daughter,” says Forti. For example, a mother who believes that women are more valuable if they are quiet and submissive may be cold and withholding to an emotionally expressive daughter.
“The daughter must then decide if she wants to conform to her mother’s expectations of being small and unseen in order to receive approval and love,” Forti adds. “Attachment and survival are the two primary drivers of decision-making for young children, so chances are high that a child will adapt to their mother’s expectations to suppress themselves.”
Mothers with their own unresolved wounds may view their daughters as “competition” while giving their sons an inappropriate level of responsibility, Parker adds. Or, “a mother may attempt to live vicariously through her daughters with the means of control. [For sons], there are cases where the mother turns her son into a ‘son-husband,’ giving her son the responsibility of being the head of the household and interfering with her son’s relationships.” Both can be damaging, just in different ways.
Reflecting on your childhood can give you clues about whether your mother had a mother wound herself, and whether you may need to heal from your own wounding as well.
“A daughter [with a mother wound] may reflect that her mother was never emotionally available to her,” says Forti. “She never turned to her mother for comfort during hard times or security when she was scared. She was always striving for perfection in order to gain her mother’s approval, and she felt attuned to her mother’s needs despite her own needs never being met. Lack of awareness [is what] carries these wounds forward for generations.”
What Is a Father Wound?
The father wound and the mother wound are similar in their causes — typically, the result of absenteeism, emotional neglect, abuse, or an unattuned parent or caregiver.
“But the impact [of each wound] is very different because we have very different cultural models for what we expect to get from our mother versus our father,” explains Brown.
Recognizing a mother wound or a father wound takes time because you’ve grown up with it as the norm. But the biggest step toward healing is seeing that your mother or father’s behavior was wrong and that you didn’t like how it made you feel.
A symptom of a father wound, for both sons and daughters, is feeling as though you are not worthy enough and need to seek approval from others, especially other men. Women with a father wound, for example, may find themselves in future relationships with men who are emotionally unavailable, especially if their fathers were absent or not home often enough to establish a bond with them. Men often suffer a father wound if they were raised by a belittling, demeaning parent who wanted to exercise dominance over his child, explains Parker.
If you have a father wound, you may find that your “subconscious wants to prove to Dad that ‘I am deserving of love,’” says Parker. The expert says that some adults with a father wound from childhood “become overachievers because they may feel internally that Dad needs to see that they have value.”
You could also have a father wound if your father didn’t protect you from your mother’s abuse — or vice versa. “One can have a mother and/or father wound [from the parent who did not protect you] from the parent who is causing the wounding,” says Parker. “So one can sustain a wound from both parents.”
Parental figures who are not your biological parents can also cause harm. For example, if grandparents or relatives adopted you and the environment was toxic, chances are you’re dealing with a double wound, explains Parker — an abandonment wound from the biological parents and a mother or father wound caused by a neglectful guardian.
“Any parental figure can cause a mother or father wound due to not showing love, being absent, or not being supportive of their child,” says Parker. “I have seen cases where you have a narcissistic parent and the other parent is very passive. This also causes the mother or father wound.”
To be clear, being raised by a single parent who met your needs, or growing up in a household with an atypical family structure that was generally healthy and loving, is not a cause of a mother or father wound. Mother and father wounds are caused by parents who were in your life, but were neglectful or abusive on a level that left you unprotected, unsafe, and feeling as if you were unloved and too alone with your needs.
Take the Course: Healing the Father Wound to Stop Self-Sabotage
5 Steps Toward Healing Our Childhood Wounds
1. Identify the Wound
Recognizing a mother wound or father wound takes time because you’ve grown up with it as “the norm” in your childhood. But the biggest step toward healing is seeing that your mother or father’s behavior was wrong and that you didn’t like how it made you feel, says Parker. Sometimes it takes seeing other families’ dynamics to realize that your family situation wasn’t okay. Or perhaps you see other signs of a mother or father wound manifesting in your life: feeling like you’re never enough, struggling with intense self-doubt, wanting to be in full control at all times, or inviting chaos into your life.
As hard as it is, you need to establish contact with your pain by connecting with your inner child.
“Allow yourself to acknowledge what happened to you. Give voice to the child who did not have her emotional needs met, who was not seen, loved, and appreciated for who she is,” says Forti. “Give space for your inner child to tell her story and listen carefully to what she has to say.”
Journaling can help tremendously with this step. Either write or draw (pick whatever format works for you — there are no rules for this process), asking your inner child what she needs right now and what she would like to say to herself and her mother.
Don’t be surprised — or worried — if guilt and shame creep in as you do this, since attachment wounds tend to bring these feelings up. Those are protective mechanisms, says Parker. “Know that these are normal feelings that need to arise [in order to heal].” When you do find yourself feeling guilty or ashamed, Parker suggests tracking them from an observational state. Ask yourself these questions: “Guilt and shame, why are you here?”; “What do you want with me?”; “Are you from the past or the present?”
After asking these questions, take a long pause and observe what you are sensing or feeling in your body, says Parker. Then journal about the emotions, thoughts, and feelings that have surfaced, preferably in nature or a serene environment, she suggests.
2. Set Up Therapy and Boundaries
Parker stresses that therapy is a must for anyone healing from a mother or father wound. In particular, seek a therapist who is well versed in trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder, attachment trauma, mindfulness meditation, and most especially boundaries. You’ll need boundaries both with the parent(s) who may have wounded you and to protect yourself in current and future relationships with others.
Think of these as your standards, explains Parker. “The standards consist of what you needed as a child, what you are not willing to accept from others, and what you are not willing to give when it affects your mental, physical, and even spiritual well-being.” Even if you got the message in childhood that your needs were not important enough to be met, that doesn’t mean you can’t protect yourself now that you’re an adult.
3. Become Curious
The next step of healing is to become self-aware, which will help stop the mother or father wound from inflicting harm on your own life — and from perpetuating harm on the next generation.
“Develop a curiosity about yourself — why you do things, say things, feel things. Where does this come from? Does this align with who you are and who you want to be? Is this good for you or harmful for you?” says Forti. “Those with [mother and father] wounds are disconnected from themselves, including their own needs. They have prioritized others for so long that suppressing their needs is second nature to them. Becoming curious and investigative toward yourself is a way to slow down the knee-jerk reaction of prioritizing others and learning what you need” in a nonjudgmental, thoughtful way.
4. Reparent Yourself
It’s okay for this next step to feel unfair and difficult. Since you did not receive proper parenting, it is important that you receive that from yourself by reparenting your inner child. And it is completely normal for grief, anger, and sadness to surface while you do so. Go slowly. Give yourself grace and patience as you proceed into this step of healing.
“[Those with a mother or father wound] must allow themselves to feel the ache and emptiness that accompanies a lack of nurturing and acceptance. Then, they must soothe those aches and pains for themselves,” says Forti. “This means loving yourself the way your [parent] was not capable of doing. Be open and gentle with yourself as you struggle and fumble through your own life journey. Be loving toward yourself during times of uncertainty or when you make mistakes.”
5. Work Toward Forgiveness
It is completely understandable to want to blame the parent who wounded you, but in many cases, that parent was doing the best they could, given their circumstances, notes Brown. Things that may not have been fully in your parent’s control — poverty, substance abuse, a violent partner, illness, death, or your parent’s own mental health and emotional limitations — could have impacted how your parent was and wasn’t able to form a secure and loving bond with their children.
Reflect on your parent’s childhood as objectively as possible. What types of challenges did they face? How would you describe their relationship with their parents? This will help you see the process by which that parent passed their wounding to you, says Forti. It will help you forgive your parent or parents, not for their abuse or neglect toward you, but for how their own wounds caused them to lash out.
Keep in mind, the goal with this is for your own healing and to release yourself from your parent’s toxicity. It doesn’t necessarily mean opening yourself up to a relationship with them if that doesn’t feel safe or healthy for you. Many times we are resistant to forgive because we feel that it allows the abuser to be free of accountability, says Parker, but forgiveness is about what you need, not them.
That said, it is also important to forgive yourself for any unhealthy behavior you perpetuated in the past because you were raised to think it was normal. An integral part of healing is recognizing that the mother or father wound is not your fault.
Listen to yourself and follow your intuition as far as what you most need during the healing process. As you do the work of coming to terms with and processing your painful childhood experiences, you can heal from your pain, draw power from what you’ve been through, and stop the mother or father wound from being passed on to the next generation.
