Unlike a genuinely positive outlook, toxic positivity makes it harder to handle life’s challenging situations. Here’s the difference between these completely different approaches to rocky times.
Is your co-worker still talking enthusiastically about next quarter while management is announcing plans for mass layoffs and a bankruptcy filing? Or are you the person who swears everything’s fine and dandy as you’re being dragged out to sea by a riptide? These are examples of what experts call “toxic positivity.” And there’s nothing positive about it.
In fact, toxic positivity is very different from overall, everyday positivity and can lead to minimizing or flat-out dismissing real experiences and emotions that you or your loved ones may face. Not to mention that turning a blind eye to challenges can lead to an inability to develop necessary coping strategies to deal with anxiety, stress, and even tragedy.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), toxic positivity refers to maintaining a consistently positive — and at times unrealistic — outlook, no matter how troubling or dire a situation is. A person engaging in toxic positivity minimizes painful emotions and refuses to see a clearer picture of what’s in front of them, or what a loved one is dealing with.
Toxic positivity is not the same thing as being in shock or denial over a situation and temporarily dismissing or minimizing painful emotions associated with that experience. Toxic positivity is an intentional effort to look at difficult situations in an unrealistic way that refuses to consider the full scope of the experience — leading to a person dismissing their feelings and the magnitude of the situation altogether.
Kristin Howard, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy who also works for the University of Southern California’s Counseling and Mental Health Services in Los Angeles, says there is nothing wrong with reciting positive affirmations or following other belief practices rooted in positive thinking, but it’s vital to practice realistic positivity. Life throws all of us an occasional curveball, and acting otherwise doesn’t acknowledge the natural ups and downs that we experience. In fact, toxic positivity makes it harder to get through the rocky times.
Interested in learning more? Check out Living in Calmness When Emotions Overwhelm You
Genuine Positivity vs. Toxic Positivity
It may be difficult to distinguish between genuine optimism and toxic positivity, but Howard says there’s a stark difference between the two. Sincere optimism is rooted in reality and allows us to acknowledge all aspects of a situation, both the positive and negative sides.
No one is telling you to become more pessimistic, but experts say that by simply embracing the good, bad, and in-between of a situation, you can avoid the pitfalls of toxic positivity while still looking at the bright side.
“When a person expresses genuine positivity, they convey optimism while demonstrating an understanding that we all experience a wide range of emotions,” says Howard.
Toxic positivity, on the other hand, does not take into account the full range of emotions a person may be feeling. That isn’t just frustrating — it can actually be harmful. Toxic positivity, by its definition, requires that we only focus on the positive aspects of a situation, causing us to minimize or altogether dismiss the sincere pain that we or someone else may be experiencing.
For example, a person engaging in toxic positivity may say something like “Look on the bright side. It could always be worse.” On the other hand, a person expressing support and genuine positivity may say, “I know this is really difficult for you right now. What can I do to help you feel better during this time?” The latter approach takes into account their friend’s real difficulties while remaining hopeful that there is a way forward through the pain.
“Toxic positivity shows up as a form of gaslighting, lacking empathy, and often discounts the difficult situation someone is in,” explains Howard. “When a person is vulnerable enough to share a difficult experience, they want to be heard and understood rather than told they should stay positive.”
A study published in the Journal of Pastoral Care and Counseling in April 2022 found that toxic positivity negatively impacted relationships for 24 percent of the participants, leading to interpersonal conflict. This was caused by the participants feeling unheard and invalidated when confiding their concerns to people who engaged in toxic positivity.
The Pitfalls of Positivity
Navigating life while wearing rose-colored glasses may sound inviting to some. After all, who wants to feel the pangs of self-doubt, anxiety, or chronic stress? But learning how to cope with our negative thoughts and emotions is a central part of growth and leads to better problem solving, making healthy decisions, and navigating challenging times, says Howard. We may need to feel a certain level of anxiety or discomfort to understand the severity of a situation and to help motivate us into action.
Barbara Ford Shabazz, a licensed psychologist and owner of Intentional Activities, agrees. “In many cases, people use toxic positivity to avoid confronting or acknowledging the anxiety they experience. Using toxic positivity may help make the person feel at ease over a situation that would otherwise cause discomfort, but ultimately can impair their ability to deal with stress and manage their anxiety in healthy and more balanced ways.”
What to Do When Someone Around You Engages in Toxic Positivity
If you are being gaslit or feel that your emotions and experiences are being invalidated or overlooked, you may be talking to a friend or family member who is engaging in toxic positivity. For instance, if you are being “vulnerable with your emotions and the other person is conveying that you should just decide to stop feeling those emotions,” that’s a clear sign that they are promoting toxic positivity, says Howard.
In many cases, a loved one isn’t even aware that they’re engaging in toxic positivity. They “don’t have the words or don’t know what else to say,” Shabazz explains. They may think that it’s helpful to tell you, “It could have been worse,” even though their too-cheerful statements aren’t making things better for you and may be adding to your distress.
If someone tries to push you to minimize what you’re going through or tells you to “stop being so negative,” Howard suggests gently telling the other person that their advice makes you feel like they’re dismissing your very real feelings. Then, be clear about what you need from them. For example, maybe it’s most helpful for your friend to just listen while you share what’s going on with you, or you’d like your mom to give you her honest, uncensored opinion.
Alternatively, you can politely end the conversation and say something like “This conversation is not helping me feel better and I don’t feel comfortable with the direction of where it’s going. How about we talk about this a little later?”
Sometimes people can’t help themselves and keep insisting that you’re fine and there’s nothing to worry about because they’re so uncomfortable with complex emotions. If you’ve tried to explain that their toxic positivity is making you feel worse, and they continue to do it, you may feel better if you turn to other people in your life who allow you to be your true, multidimensional self.
How to Know if You’re Engaging in Toxic Positivity
Our culture seems to have taken Bob Marley’s feel-good mantra, “Everything’s gonna be alright,” to the next level. These days, if we aren’t 100 percent rah-rah about everything (we’re looking at you, social media), we might feel guilty for not being more grateful for the blessings we do have, or risk being told we’re too negative by others who are uncomfortable with our feelings.
When you don’t allow yourself or others around you the opportunity to embrace their feelings or express negative emotions, or you feel the need to have an unrealistically positive outlook about your own challenging situations, you may have fallen into the trap of toxic positivity without even realizing it. According to Howard, this may look like you saying things (to yourself and others) such as:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
“Look on the bright side. It could’ve been worse.”
While it’s certainly okay to say these things — and they can be a helpful part of facing tough times — it’s also important to acknowledge the more challenging feelings you or someone else may be having, and to allow room to reflect on and express those feelings without censoring the messiness. Instead, you might try saying, “I’m sorry for what you’re going through. What can I do to help?” or “I’m here for you.”
As Shabazz points out, in most cases, people engage in toxic positivity because they’re trying to make the other person feel better and are unsure of what else to say. Perhaps you’re uncomfortable discussing and feeling discomfort yourself, which can happen if you were raised in a household that didn’t allow emotions and feelings to be freely discussed.
No one is telling you to become more pessimistic, but experts say that by simply embracing the good, bad, and in-between of a situation, you can avoid the pitfalls of toxic positivity while still looking at the bright side.
How Can You Be Optimistic but Not Toxic?
Here are five things experts recommend you keep in mind to remain positive while avoiding toxic positivity.
1. Be Okay With Not Being Okay
Since toxic positivity is mainly rooted in unawareness of being toxically positive or a desire to reduce anxiety or discomfort, Shabazz stresses the importance of learning how to cope with feelings of discomfort in order to eventually feel optimistic but not toxic.
“It may sound a bit backward, but once you truly understand that it’s okay to experience anxiety and stress and you develop the tools to cope with those emotions, you can then learn how to see the bright side of a situation based on a realistic outlook rather than a distorted, unrealistic perspective,” explains Shabazz.
2. Do Things That Make You Happy
When you’re experiencing a challenging time, do something that makes you happy, recommends Howard.
Shabazz agrees, adding that you want to be sure you’ve acknowledged your feelings of concern and faced them. “The idea here is not to mask the feelings, but to allow yourself to experience and confront them head-on — [yet also] not allow yourself to wallow in those emotions for too long or for them to suck you into a state of depression,” she says. “Doing something after allowing yourself to experience these emotions can help you avoid falling into depression and ultimately have a more realistically optimistic outlook about the situation.”
In other words, take good care of yourself. It’s important to engage in behaviors that bring you joy and to practice self-care without wallowing in your pain or making harmful decisions. Try meditation, taking a walk, moving your body to your favorite music, picking up an old hobby you once enjoyed, exploring your creative side, calling a friend, or whatever else might offer you some comfort.
3. Practice Gratitude
Although Howard recommends always being realistic about your circumstances, she also stresses the importance of being thankful for the positive things in your life.
“Sometimes, we can get lost in a challenging situation we are experiencing and feel like the walls are caving in around us. When this happens, it’s important that we identify the areas of our lives that are going well and find joy and gratitude in those things,” says Howard.
To practice gratitude during a trying time, Shabazz recommends keeping a gratitude journal, writing down the top three to five things you are grateful for, and meditating on those things when you wake up and before bed.
4. Be Self-Aware and Strike a Balance
You probably have a better idea of what toxic positivity looks like by now. When you notice you’re feeling guilty for having anxiety over a situation, or you have the desire to suppress your distress over a challenging circumstance by telling yourself “Get over it!”, Shabazz suggests calling yourself out on it. Acknowledge that you may be engaging in toxic positivity in order to reduce your discomfort.
“One of the most powerful ways to be optimistic, but not toxic, is to be aware of when you are being toxically positive and stop yourself,” says Shabazz. “You can do this by resisting the urge to minimize the conditions of a challenging situation you’re facing and your emotions associated with that situation, and instead, allow yourself to feel those emotions and then begin to realistically look at the bright side — if there is one — of your situation. This will help balance those uncomfortable feelings after encouraging yourself to be self-aware.”
After acknowledging your toxic positivity, you can also practice any other strategies previously discussed, such as practicing gratitude to feel a sense of overall optimism even during a challenging time.
5. Refine Your Approach
During a difficult situation, Howard says to resist leaping immediately into problem-solving mode and instead asking the person (or yourself) questions like:
“What do you need in this moment?”
“How can I better support you?”
Shabazz also recommends trying not to use words that carry rigid and extreme expectations for our feelings and thoughts, such as “should” or “must” — for instance, try not to say things like “I should not allow my finances to stress me out” or “I have to get over being sick.”
It may also be helpful to think about someone who’s compassionate and supportive, reflect on how you think they would respond to a challenging situation, and try to give yourself and others the same type of support.
