You’re finishing your morning coffee when you notice that your kitchen isn’t exactly tidy. During a meeting soon after, you say something you instantly regret. Next, you zero in on your perceived flaws while glimpsing your reflection in the bathroom mirror.
While occasional negative self-talk is normal and seldom cause for alarm, you could be on the road to increasing hardship if your thoughts deter you from finding joy in things you normally would or they close your world to fulfilling experiences. Thankfully there’s a lot you can do to turn those thoughts around — and those efforts are hugely worth it.
Where Does Negative Self-Talk Come From?
A broad range of factors fuel negative self-talk, from mental health challenges to having been raised by parents or other adults who expect perfection.
“We live in a ‘dog-eat-dog’ world that is constantly advertising messages that we need to be perfect all the time: look perfect, act perfect, work perfect, even relax perfect, as if that were a thing,” Cynthia Shaw, PsyD, a Chicago-based clinical psychologist, tells DailyOM. The strong desire to achieve flawlessness is often sparked by anxiety around failing or falling short of “good enough,” she says.
Negative self-talk also stems from low self-esteem. “If we aren’t too jazzed about who we are, it is very easy for us to verbally crap on ourselves,” says Dr. Shaw.
You may also be prone to self-criticizing thoughts if you manage a mental illness, such as depression or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Negative self-talk can exacerbate your symptoms, and vice versa.
“It’s sort of a chicken-and-egg type of situation,” says Shaw. “You’re verbally dissing yourself because your mood is low and you can't get anything done, but then your mood is even lower and you can’t get things done even more so because you’re dissing yourself.”
All of these issues can have strong links to your childhood, too, even if adults weren’t particularly critical of you or themselves. Negative self-talk “might be a response to events that happened when we were young,” Georgina Sturmer, a mental health counselor based in Hertfordshire, England, tells DailyOM. “A child’s brain interprets what is going on around them and often believes that they are to blame for what they see.”
For example, if your parents went through a messy divorce and you internalized their conflicts as your fault, harsh self-thoughts may have become ingrained.
Being made fun of or judged for being different can result in low self-esteem, which also contributes to negative self-talk. In fact, research has linked discrimination and biases against having a larger body size, being Black, or being marginalized in another way with chronic low self-esteem.
According to a study published in January 2021 in the journal Childhood Obesity, children living with overweight and obesity who have been teased by their peers or have lower self-esteem are more likely to have a higher internalized weight bias.
The same goes for neurodivergent children and adults with autism spectrum disorder (AD) or attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), who think and process information differently from the masses. And if you’re dealing with multiple types of adversity, you could develop negative self-talk patterns related to cumulative trauma.
Although social media can be a positive influence for things like community, it can also have detrimental effects. Comparing yourself to others’ curated lives or beauty-filtered images on social media may bolster negative self-talk. A study published in September 2019 in the journal Telematics and Informatics linked Facebook and Instagram use with social comparisons, along with damaged self-esteem over time.
Interested in learning more? Check out Positive Affirmations to Start Your Day
Why You Shouldn’t Ignore Negative Self-Talk
If negative-self talk has become routine or interferes with your ability to thrive, it’s time to take action. Perpetual negative self-talk can increase stress, tension, anxiety, and depression, says Michelle Giordano, a community counselor and outreach specialist for Live Another Day. And over time, it can wreak havoc on your self-esteem, decision-making skills, and ability to move forward in your life.
“Decision-making skills can be impacted by negative self-talk, since it can muddle judgment and cause self-doubt,” says Giordano. “A fear of failure or self-criticism may deter people from pursuing chances or taking risks.”
In terms of growth, negative self-talk can “serve as a roadblock to one’s ability to develop personally,” she adds. The self-criticizing thoughts may keep you from trying new things or setting rewarding goals, “which would lead to missed chances and stagnation,” Giordano says.
Your relationships can suffer at the hands of negative self-talk, too, making it difficult to express yourself or connect intimately with a loved one or partner, explains Giordano. If you judge yourself harshly for a desire you have, for example, thinking you’re “too much” or “foolish” for wanting to try a particular activity, you are less likely to bring it up to your partner or friend.
On the other hand, shifting your self-talk toward the positive can pave the way for mighty rewards. A study published in May 2019 in the journal Sports showed that competitive athletes who received positive self-talk training demonstrated improved confidence, less anxiety, and better performance within one week.
In addition, a study published in April 2023 in the International Journal of School Health linked positive self-talk lessons with significantly improved depression symptoms, including less suicidal ideation, in teens.
How to Stop Negative Self-Talk
No matter the cause, addressing your negative self-talk can go a long way toward improving your well-being. The first step is becoming more aware of the negative thoughts and their pervasiveness, according to experts. You may be able to do so on your own by intentionally noticing or tracking the thoughts for a period of time, journaling about your thoughts and feelings, or working with a professional, such as a therapist.
“Once we are better equipped at identifying … when [negative self-talk] is happening, being able to halt ourselves in the moment is another crucial step to combating such statements,” Shaw explains.
During each pause, she suggests challenging the judgmental thought. If you shun yourself for neglecting to add soap to the laundry, for instance, ask yourself, Am I actually “less smart” if I forgot the detergent? Or am I just human and have had a lot on my mind today? “This is all part of self-care: using self-kindness, compassion, and grace for what makes us human,” says Shaw.
“Evaluating our thoughts and offering another perspective can help steer our inner critic toward self-compassion. Oftentimes, we give way more grace to others than to ourselves.”
You could also try visualization: Once you notice the spiral of negative self-talk, Sturmer suggests taking a moment to envision the thought moving away from you in a physical form. “Imagine yourself catching a thought, screwing it up into a ball, and throwing it into the trash behind you,” she says.
Positive affirmations may also help you break the cycle of self-criticism. “Many of my clients notice a difference when they make a daily practice of using positive affirmations or kind messages to themselves in journal entries or Post-it notes as daily reminders,” says Julieta Rubio Hobbs, PhD, a licensed professional counselor who specializes in anxiety and trauma.
Working with a licensed therapist can help you figure out the best method for handling negative self-talk. What may work well for others may not work for you, so if you’re not having success handling self-critical thoughts, seek professional help.
When to Seek Professional Support
Therapy can be beneficial for most anyone wishing to improve their internal dialogue, but not all negative self-talk makes such care necessary.
“It is a blurry line differentiating between negative self-talk that is minimally harmful and something more serious where a person would benefit from therapy,” says Dr. Rubio Hobbs, who points to frequency and severity as key factors in when to seek help. “If the norm for you is talking down to yourself or being hard on yourself, it would be important to notice how this might be impacting your life and relationships. If your life is being impacted by the way your negative thoughts influence your actions or reactions, getting support from a mental health professional would be beneficial.”
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), in particular, is often recommended for that guidance. This form of therapy helps you challenge harmful thoughts, emotions, and beliefs and better understand how your emotions and behaviors interact.
An Indonesian study published in December 2022 showed that CBT improved negative self-talk in high school seniors with social media addiction who had experienced negative body image. Another study, published in January 2021 by Cambridge University Press, showed that CBT improved negative self-talk associated with anxiety and depression in LGBTQ adults.
Regardless of the type of therapy you go for, finding a qualified trauma expert may be a top priority if your thought patterns are linked with crises or abuse. If you’ve experienced domestic violence or neglect, for example, trauma-informed care — which is grounded in an understanding of the effects of trauma — can help ensure that your unique needs as a survivor are met.
Can Some Negative Self-Talk Be a Good Thing?
Experts say there is no such thing as “helpful negative self-talk,” either with or without professional help. While self-honesty and humbleness can promote emotional growth, shaming yourself is never a good thing and it doesn’t help you become a better or more worthy person.
“We don't need to walk around shaming ourselves,” says Shaw. “No one becomes automatically more motivated when they are berated. In fact, quite the opposite occurs: When we berate ourselves, we can actually experience an uptick in helplessness, leading to decreased motivation and lowered wellness.”
Instead, intentionally talk to yourself as you’d speak to a loved one. And keep practicing until it sticks.
“Evaluating our thoughts and offering another perspective can help steer our inner critic toward more self-compassion,” says Jamie Plofsky (née Steiner), LCSW, a psychotherapist based in Philadelphia. “Oftentimes, we give way more grace to others than to ourselves.”
