Self-esteem is a reflection of how positively we view our inherent qualities. In this complete guide to all things self-esteem, psychologists explain its importance, ways to build your self-esteem levels, and how to tell if your self-esteem might be too low — or too high — and what to do about it. (Yes, you can have too much!)
With her hit song “Hot Girl Summer” in 2019, Megan Thee Stallion helped usher in a whole new era of self-empowerment. “Hot” — rather than a measure of someone else rating you based on what they decide your level of attractiveness is — has become a synonym for having high self-esteem, regardless of what others think. Now TikTok is full of users sharing videos of themselves doing activities they consider “hot,” like working on homework on a Saturday night, taking a #hotgirlwalk, or eating spaghetti, as The New York Times recently reported.
“Hot,” self-esteem, self-worth, self-regard — call it what you will, just don’t write it off as no big deal. The ripple effects of low self-esteem can impact your career, romantic relationships, and connections with friends, family, and beyond, according to a January 2022 study in the journal American Psychologist.
We’re actually all born with high, healthy self-esteem, Monica Vermani, C Psych, a clinical psychologist in Toronto, Ontario, and the author of A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety, and Traumas, tells DailyOM. “As children, we don’t self-scrutinize or see faults in ourselves. But as we grow, we attach ourselves to beliefs and narratives or take on other people’s low self-esteem concepts as our own beliefs to live by. Then we can start to see and label ourselves as a failure, or not good enough, attractive enough, smart enough, or likable.”
Over time, these damaging evaluations begin to feel true within ourselves and damage our self-esteem. However, as adults, it’s possible to build self-esteem, remove the power of negative self-beliefs, and put a stop to narratives that fuel lower self-esteem and no longer serve us. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy, especially if you’re among a commonly marginalized population, who not only has to combat the typical messages of what’s “right,” “attractive,” and “successful,” but also has to deal with bias above and beyond that.
Read on for answers to “What is self-esteem?” from DailyOM’s experts, plus how to boost yours if it's feeling less than hot, and when to seek help for low self-esteem that’s verging into depression territory.
What Is Self-Esteem?
The term “self-esteem” is used to describe a person’s overall subjective sense of personal worth or value, Dr. Vermani explains. Self-esteem is about how much you appreciate and like yourself, even throughout life’s hiccups and your stumbles as well as serious mistakes. Self-esteem is defined by many factors including self-confidence, self-respect, sense of security, sense of belonging, sense of identity, and thoughts and feelings of competence and/or capability.
A reasonably high self-esteem is an important ingredient in the overall “recipe” for mental health, according to the American Psychological Association, while low self-esteem, often correlated with feelings of worthlessness, are common symptoms of depression (more on this later).
Interested in learning more? Check out You Are What You Think
What Is the Difference Between Self-Respect, Self-Esteem, and Self-Confidence?
When defining self-respect versus self-esteem versus self-confidence, they’re all fairly similar, but there are some small but notable differences, Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, a neuropsychologist and the director of Comprehensive Consultation Psychological Services in New York City, tells DailyOM.
“Self-confidence correlates with the trust you have in yourself, and is based more on external factors of personal success. Self-esteem coincides with an individual’s value in themselves, and has more to do with internal measures that affect how you feel,” Hafeez says. Self-respect is about accepting yourself fully, as you are, warts and all.
As we mentioned, self-esteem levels start changing during early childhood. Factors such as your life experiences, how others view you, even messages from the media can all negatively affect your formerly positive self-esteem, Hafeez says.
A healthy self-esteem innoculates you from internalizing other people’s harsh judgments. “When you are solid in your opinion of yourself, even when others belittle you, you will not be triggered or suffer as intense emotions,” Vermani explains. “We often become upset when people say things that we ourselves believe to be true. For example, if you tell me I’m not generous, but I know that I am, your words will not impact me negatively. But if you tell me you think I’m not intelligent, and I feel that I am not intelligent, I will react emotionally. My feelings will be hurt; I will likely be upset and become defensive.”
A healthy self-esteem can not only reduce those triggered feelings, but also allow you to bounce back from adversity more quickly and successfully. Negative sentiments can still sting, but you’ll be able to spot them and put them into perspective of the overall truthful picture.
Treat yourself with empathy and compassion, just like you would your best friend.
According to numerous studies by clinical psychologist Judith Johnson, PhD, and her colleagues, higher self-esteem, more flexible thinking, and higher self-confidence are all factors that play a role in resilience.
How to Measure Self-Esteem
To check in with your own level of self-esteem, Vermani suggests asking yourself these questions:
- Do I feel like I am enough?
- Do I feel like I am worth something to myself and others beyond my skills and capabilities?
- Do I feel confident in my identity?
- Do I feel like I belong or should belong?
- Do I reinforce a statement that is negative that my parents or teachers said—something that I hold onto as my own, but is not true? (For example: “She’s good at following directions but is not suited to be a leader.”)
- What statements do I choose to say to myself? Are these statements positive and growth-oriented, or are they depleting and reinforcing self-doubt or low self-worth?
If these questions — or your lived experiences — bring to light feelings of unworthiness, this may be a sign that it’s time to double down on your preferred self-esteem boosting practices. (See below for seven hot tips for enhancing self-esteem.)
Meanwhile, if you find you have zero moments of doubt or second-guessing, you may have such overly high self-esteem that it can prevent you from seeing the reality of situations from behind your rose-colored glasses. The goal is a healthy sense of self that allows you to take care of your emotional needs, even when life throws challenges your way.
How to Build Self-Esteem (Without Getting Overconfident)
Since self-esteem relates more to feeling that you are worthwhile and have value, it's important to appreciate that humility and high self-esteem can co-exist, says Gregory Scott Brown, MD, a Houston-based board-certified psychiatrist, mental health writer, and the author of The Self-Healing Mind. You can be humble without having low self-esteem; this is a daily practice.
Try these tips from Vermani and Hafeez to build self-esteem to a Goldilocks (not too low, not too high) level.
1. Press pause
If you’re experiencing a moment of low self-esteem, take a deep breath and try to reflect on how to be kinder and more compassionate with yourself.
2. Remove judgment
Life is a series of experiences, and our M.O. is to judge things as positive or negative. Challenge negative thoughts and replace them with healthier, more adaptive and positive ones, or at least be open to seeing the “gray” in situations rather than black or white.
3. Exercise gratitude
Jot down in a journal — or brainstorm — what you are thankful for that day, as well as what strengths, capabilities, and traits you appreciate about yourself.
4. Take notes
How do you perceive yourself and others? Try to remove any harsh judgments of either party. “When we are hard on others, we are likely hard on ourselves,” Vermani says.
5. Live according to your values
Identify your values and make a concerted effort to live up to them. Check in with yourself and people you trust to make sure you are meeting them.
6. Practice humility
Frame your life’s journey as a work in progress, where you are able and willing to make constant improvements. “Our egos resist feelings of change and imperfection, so it’s important to fight the impulse to remain unchangeable. Welcome, seek, and be grateful for opportunities to learn and grow,” Vermani says. “When someone gives you a critique, thank them and consider the possibility that their feedback may help you [develop].”
7. Try a little tenderness
Treat yourself with empathy and compassion, just like you would your best friend. If you speak to yourself in a way you’d never talk to another person, work on offering yourself kindness and grace through all of life’s ups and downs.
When Low Self-Esteem Slips Into Depression
Self-esteem is developed by your thoughts, feelings, relationships and personal experiences, and difficult and traumatic events during childhood and beyond. All of these impact how we feel about ourselves. Low self-esteem, Vermani explains, makes us highly critical of ourselves, worry that we’re “not good enough,” and perceive others as better than they are. That said, having low self-esteem is not the same as depression, the expert stresses. “Depression is much more than feelings of sadness and low self-esteem.”
Low self-esteem does not cause depression, Hafeez explains, but can be one of many symptoms of depression.
Talk to your doctor or consult with a mental health professional if you feel your negative self-esteem is impacting your physical and mental health.
The Bottom Line
Self-esteem is all about how you feel about yourself, regardless of how others feel about you. And that can make all the difference in your ability to overcome hard times, show up as your best and truest self, and make your way through the world with your head held high.
“Other people’s opinions of us are about their own judgments and thoughts. People show us who they are, not who we are,” Vermani says. “What’s important is our opinion of ourselves. That is what truly matters.”
That’s hot.
