Maybe she’s born with it? Nope, she’s definitely practiced at it. Mental health experts say self-esteem is something we can build, even well into adulthood, using mindfulness, gratitude, affirmations, therapy, and other tools. Learn how to combat FOMO and find the joy and confidence that are currently hiding out in your everyday life with these expert-approved tips for boosting your self-esteem.
Your self-esteem is a bit like your mental and emotional “bank account.” It can be in the red (negative, or in debt) or in the black (positive, or flush). It’s a sense of your own personal value, confirms Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, a neuropsychologist and the director of Comprehend the Mind, a psychological practice in New York City.
“Self-esteem is simply an individual’s attitude toward themselves,” Dr. Hafeez says. “Healthy self-esteem entails feeling good about yourself. Poor self-esteem entails belittling yourself and feeling unworthy of respect."
Ideally, we’d all go through life feeling as confident and fabulous as Lizzo, even though we’re human and make mistakes. That’s not always the case, though, so read on for little lifestyle tweaks to help you feel — to quote Lizzo — “Good as Hell.”
Why Healthy Self-Esteem Is Essential to Your Health
The ripple effects of your self-esteem level go far beyond the thoughts and emotions swirling around your brain. It impacts work and schooling, relationships, mental health, and even physical health, according to a study published in January 2022 in the journal American Psychologist. And this holds true across a person’s lifespan, among all genders, ethnicities, and races.
High self-esteem allows you to develop strong coping skills, handle adversity, and keep the negative and challenging aspects of life in perspective, Dr. Monica Vermani, a clinical psychologist in Toronto, Ontario, and the author of A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas, tells DailyOM.
In practice, that looks like being able to roll with the ups and downs of life. For example, an individual with high self-esteem might take constructive criticism from a supervisor at work as a helpful piece of evidence on how to best shift course moving forward, rather than as a harsh critique of their personality, intelligence, or aptitude.
“Instead of feeling hopeless, stuck, or unworthy due to any perceived shortcomings, a person with high self-esteem is more likely to look for what they can change or improve upon. This is a much brighter and beneficial mindset than feeling like a failure,” Dr. Vermani says. “High self-esteem helps us understand that everything isn’t about us, and enables us to refrain from taking everything personally and being overly reactive.”
We can be our own worst critic. Would you say this or think this about your best friend if they did the same thing, or are you being overly harsh on yourself?
Strong self-esteem allows us to see beyond ourselves and feel confident in our current circumstances, Vermani says, and makes existing in this often-stressful, frequently anxiety-provoking, pretty tumultuous world a little less scary, lonely, and intimidating.
Interested in learning more? Check out The Happiness Method: Beyond Positive Thinking
9 Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem
Now that you’re sold on the benefits of self-esteem, what can you do to strengthen your own? Since it’s a practice rather than a fixed mindset, what you do today and every day can be a boon — or a drain — to your self-esteem.
So we tapped Hafeez, Vermani, and Gregory Scott Brown, MD, a Houston-based board-certified psychiatrist, mental health writer, and the author of The Self-Healing Mind, for their pro tips about how to build self-esteem, even if your self-esteem “balance” is starting at zero.
1. Practice Gratitude
Take five minutes every morning or right before bed to jot down three to five things you’re grateful for. “Gratitude can help us feel better about ourselves in the moment, and help us shift to a more positive outlook,” Dr. Brown tells DailyOM. By making this a daily practice, you might notice that you’re searching for potentially gratitude-inducing moments throughout the day — including the things you’re thankful for about your own fierce self.
2. Take Note of Negativity
On the flip side, try to tag the negative statements that you notice floating around in your psyche. The old trope often rings true, especially if we’re still working out how to build self-esteem: We can be our own worst critic. Would you say this or think this about your best friend if they did the same thing, or are you being overly harsh on yourself?
“Bring in awareness about these negative statements, and begin to examine and challenge their accuracy, rather than simply taking them on as fact,” Vermani says. When you catch yourself in moments of negative self-talk, try to pause and remind yourself that you are worthy.
3. Challenge Yourself
Set a goal and work toward it. Any positive progress is palpable proof that you’re a capable, evolving, and accomplishing human and can help boost your own internal reputation. Score bonus self-esteem “points” if that goal involves learning something new rather than achieving a set end, suggests a 2019 study in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. (This is likely true because if you don’t meet the high bar you’ve set — say, conquering the crossword puzzle daily — you might put yourself at risk for feelings of failure.)
“If you’ve always wanted to learn to play a musical instrument, water ski, or speak French — or any pursuit that piques your interest — rather than allowing your low self-esteem to hold you back, give yourself a chance,” Dr. Vermani says. “Pursuing and achieving a goal will help to build your self-esteem, courage, and joy, and enrich your life in ways you can’t even imagine.”
4. Perform an Act of Kindness
Hold the door for a stranger, thank your supermarket staff for bagging your groceries so expertly, or leave a generous tip after your restaurant meal. “Altruism, or selfless service, is an adaptive coping strategy,” Brown says. Since it allows us to see our positive impact on the world outside of ourselves, altruism “can help us feel a sense of purpose and value as well as boost our self-esteem,” he adds.
5. Get Moving
Physical activity can help boost self-esteem, especially among those who start with lower self-esteem, per a 2016 study in the journal Neuropsychiatric Disease and Treatment. “Not only does it make you physically healthier, but it also improves your mental health by releasing endorphins — feel-good, positive hormones,” Hafeez says.
There’s no need to force anything that doesn’t align with your spirit or current fitness level; everything from a 20-minute walk after dinner to a five-minute mini workout to a weekly fitness class with a friend can move the needle.
6. Give Meditation a Try
Stress, burnout, and low self-esteem can all be early symptoms of depression, and may wear down your self-esteem stores, too. “Self-care strategies like meditation help reduce stress, and, as a result, may help improve self-esteem over time,” Brown says. If you’re new to the mindfulness concept, a walking meditation can be an ideal way to ease into it.
7. Repeat Positive Affirmations
“When you repeat or see anything often enough, your subconscious begins to believe it,” Hafeez says. So she suggests speaking, journaling, or posting sticky notes on your mirror to remind yourself of self-esteem-strong positive affirmations like “I am proud of myself for building a steady routine” or “I’m thankful for having supportive family and friends.”
Try to read, write, or repeat them at least once every morning and once every night.
8. Try (or Continue With) Therapy
Human behaviors and thoughts aren’t always logical or productive. With an objective source like a psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor listening in, they can challenge existing actions and cognitive patterns that might not be in your best interest. “In therapy, you can gain a clear understanding of the negative, unhealthy blueprints and narratives that are not in your best interest and hold you back,” Vermani tells DailyOM. Then, once you can spot those, “you can work on replacing these negative or maladaptive thoughts and feelings about yourself with more positive, adaptive ones.”
9. Ditch the Haters
As much as you work to build your self-esteem, a harsh critique from a particularly negative person can definitely drain your confidence tank. We know: It’s easier said than done to create distance or boundaries from someone close, like a boss, than from a toxic acquaintance. Still, you have options, Vermani says. “If certain people in your life tend to bring you down, try spending less time with them, or tell them how you feel about their words or actions. Set an intention to concentrate on fostering and investing in relationships with people who are positive and who appreciate you.”
How to Stop Social Media From Affecting Your Self-Esteem
While not everyone falls into the comparison trap on social media, a 2017 study in the European Scientific Journal found a whopping 88 percent of Americans do. And just one hour spent scrolling through Facebook can have a significant negative impact on your self-esteem, the researchers add.
“With social media so pervasive, this becomes harder because everyone looks perfect. However, you have to remember it can all be fake. Photos are often edited, filtered, and cropped to look a certain way. It’s a fantasy that you are comparing yourself to,” Hafeez says. “When you focus on yourself and understand everyone is different, your self-esteem will be healthier.”
The Bottom Line
Integrating little lifestyle habits can make a big difference as you work toward building self-esteem and keeping it strong. Along the way, try to keep in mind that no human is perfect, and you certainly don’t need to strive to be, either.
