While the lingering effects of a father wound can impact your love life, that doesn’t mean that your relationships are doomed to fail. Whether it’s you or your partner who is healing from a father wound, there are ways to protect your bond.
If you have a father wound — or are dating or married to someone who has one — it isn’t something to take lightly. The impact of a father wound can permeate well beyond childhood, and if left ignored, it can cause turmoil in your relationships. But does having a father wound mean your romance is destined to unravel? Fortunately, no.
“Having a father wound does not necessarily mean that your romantic relationship is doomed,” says David Tzall, PsyD, a clinical psychologist based in New York City. “It is possible to work through these challenges and build a healthy and fulfilling relationship.”
Read on for therapists’ tips on how to identify if you or your partner have a father wound, and how to heal from it and protect and strengthen your bond.
What Is a Father Wound?
Both a father wound and a mother wound are the result of a neglectful or emotionally detached parent. The parent might have been completely absent from a child’s life or they were present but physically or emotionally abusive or dismissive. These wounds manifest differently based on what we expect from our mother versus our father.
For example, we may expect our mother to be a nurturer and our father to be our protector. When the opposite is true — a mother who is harsh and belittling or a father who is violent at home — a mother wound or a father wound may fester.
“Children are supposed to feel loved and supported by others, and when a parent is rejecting them, it causes a suffering that can be long-lasting,” explains Tzall. A wound may grow if your father lacks consistency or develops a superficial or chaotic relationship with you. It can also occur if a father is harsh and critical of your life and decisions.
“Healing from a father wound is a deeply personal and individual journey. Allow yourself to grieve, express anger, or feel sadness.”
In many cases, experts consider experiencing a father or mother wound as a type of trauma. Years of a parent undermining, mocking, or being emotionally abusive toward their child can be just as damaging as one traumatic event.
“We often think of trauma as a single experience, but trauma can be microexperiences or a combination of experiences over a prolonged period,” says Denise Garcia, PsyD, a marriage and family therapist who specializes in trauma.
In her clinical work, Garcia has seen the father wound lead to depressive symptoms and post-traumatic stress disorder, which can carry into relationships at work and at home, especially in romantic relationships. Other symptoms of a father wound often include low self-esteem, anxiety, and anger, Garcia says.
Interested in learning more? Check out Healing the Father Wound to Stop Self-Sabotage
How Does a Father Wound Impact Romantic Relationships?
On one end of the spectrum, someone with a father wound can have intense trust issues accompanied by a life with extremely rigid boundaries. For example, they may severely limit time spent with a significant other or only do certain activities on dates. They abide by specific rules to keep relationships from getting too serious, which they view as potentially damaging due to their unstable relationship with a parent.
But a father wound can also prompt the exact opposite behavior: clinging to an unhealthy relationship because it feels safer to be with someone than to be alone. This desperation for your partner’s love and attention may even lead to identity loss — taking on a role or persona your partner wants you to be so they won’t leave you, Tzall says.
A father wound often impacts sons and daughters differently, says Garcia. A daughter with a father wound may subconsciously pick a partner similar to their absent or abusive father. They may love someone just because they “stick around” and ignore their boyfriend or girlfriend’s red flags, she says, while some sons may find themselves replicating their father’s behavior. If they don’t recognize their father wound and the trauma they’ve been through, it’s possible they will perpetrate the pattern of abusive behavior onto the next generation because that was “the norm” for them.
A father wound can also have a detrimental impact on your mental health. According to research published in September 2012 in the journal Child Abuse Review, men with a father wound may be at higher risk for low self-esteem and antisocial or violent behavior, and may struggle to establish intimate relationships.
Of course, each of us is unique, and how a father wound manifests in your own life is based on your individual experiences and perspective. “Level of support from other caregivers or role models, social and economic status, age of the wound, and the level of therapy and treatment can all mitigate how much it affects someone,” Tzall tells DailyOM.
The good news is that your father’s abuse — whether it was physical, emotional, or both — can stop with you. If you or your partner is suffering from a father wound, it’s possible to heal from the past and stop abusive and toxic patterns, all while simultaneously discovering what it means to be in a healthy relationship.
4 Tips for Someone With a Father Wound
1. Approach Conflict With Sensitivity
Being aware of your father wound is especially important when you’re in the midst of a conflict. This is because your father most likely failed to create a safe environment where you could learn to resolve conflict in healthy ways. Instead, you learned that your “big feelings” (such as anger, sadness, and frustration) were unsafe. You were conditioned to believe you couldn’t express yourself without dire consequences.
Do you feel threatened by healthy conflict or by a partner’s normal requests, such as “Please stop interrupting me,” or feedback like “It frustrates me when you ignore my texts for an entire day”? Your reaction and response is going to be influenced by the way your father treated you and your family.
“If your father was emotionally abusive, you may attempt to resolve a conflict with silent treatment or by [being emotionally unavailable and] simply ending the relationship,” Garcia says. Being aware of how you learned to avoid conflict as a child and coped with your father’s behavior will help you avoid repeating this dynamic with the person you’re with now.
2. Get Support on Your Healing Journey
A crucial part of healing a father wound is recognizing that your emotions are worthy of expressing. This may be something you need to dive into on your own.
If you find yourself wanting to shut down rather than engage in a constructive conflict, or you struggle to express your feelings to your partner, especially those “big” ones, then you may benefit from seeking out help from a trusted therapist who can guide you.
“The key to combating the consequences of the father wound is to understand and be aware of how it’s impacting your romantic relationships. This may be very obvious, but it can also be hidden subconsciously. If you struggle in your relationships, a therapist can help you figure it out,” Garcia says.
“Healing from a father wound is a deeply personal and individual journey,” says Tzall. “Allow yourself to grieve, express anger, or feel sadness. Validating your emotions can be a crucial step of the healing process. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself.”
3. Write It All Down
As you process emotions from a father wound, journaling can be an immensely helpful tool. It can provide clarity, promote self-awareness, and facilitate healing, explains Tzall.
One route to take is to simply “unload” your feelings on the page.
“Sometimes the best thing to do is open a white piece of paper and start writing without any rules or prompts. Just be present and write what you feel in that moment,” says Tzall. “This can be enough to help you recognize the weight of the [father wound].”
If you need some guidance, Garcia recommends starting with the following questions:
- In what ways do I miss a father I never had?
- I recognize that I act like my father in these ways…
- What is a thought I have that my father ingrained in me, and how does it make me feel/think/be today?
- Reflect on the way your father’s behavior affected you.
As you journal, don’t be afraid to involve a therapist who can help you work through any complex feelings and emotions that arise. And though your journaling work can certainly remain private, you may feel at some point that it’s beneficial to involve your partner in your discoveries — especially as those discoveries might affect your relationship. Just be aware that your partner can’t bring about your healing. Only you can.
“Share your experiences, your feelings, and any concerns you may have regarding [the father wound’s] potential impact on your relationship, but recognize that your partner is not responsible for healing your father wound or filling the void left by your father,” Tzall says.
4. Set and Maintain Strong Boundaries
Boundaries are vital in any relationship, but especially for individuals with a father wound. This is to ensure that your well-being remains respected, says Tzall.
“Boundaries help define your needs, values, and personal space,” Tzall explains. “Reflect on what makes you feel comfortable or uncomfortable in various aspects of your relationship. Identify specific boundaries that are important to you in the relationship. These can include physical, emotional, and time boundaries.”
For example, if there are certain topics, situations, or words that trigger you, make that clear to your partner. Or, as much as you love spending time together, you may need one or two nights a week devoted to solo self-care. Rather than seeing boundaries as roadblocks, approach them as something that will enhance your relationship.
“Boundaries provide a framework for healthy communication and mutual respect,” says Tzall. “Boundaries involve defining and respecting your own needs as well as honoring those of your partner.”
When telling your partner about your needs, use “I” statements in order to communicate with confidence, Tzall says. If your partner feels like your boundaries are too rigid and create distance between you, you may want to talk this through with a neutral third-party such as a trained counselor. All of us deserve to have boundaries that make us feel safe, but it’s important to be receptive to your partner’s feedback if it’s coming from a loving place. After all, relationships require some flexibility on both sides.
“Acknowledge that boundaries are about self-care and maintaining a healthy relationship. Allow your partner to express their thoughts and feelings about your [requests]. Be open to their perspective and validate their emotions,” says Tzall. “Effective communication is a two-way street, and it’s important to create space for your partner to share their thoughts as well.”
Above all, be patient, understanding, and compassionate with yourself as you heal from a father wound. There is no magic remedy for it, and it takes time.
How to Cope With a Partner Who Has a Father Wound
If your partner has a father wound, focus on emotional growth — both individually and as a couple. As much as you want to take away all the pain, only they can do this. Simply being there for them and celebrating their progress along the way will speak volumes.
“Respect their boundaries and give them the space they need, allowing them to set the pace for their healing process,” Tzall says. “By being understanding, patient, and compassionate, you can make a significant difference in helping your partner navigate their father wound while building a healthy, loving relationship with you.”
Be aware that certain topics or situations may trigger unresolved emotions for your partner. If they do become triggered, listening over speaking will be your best course of action. Attending couples therapy together may help in navigating this.
“When you’re in a relationship with someone who has a father wound, it’s important to be sensitive to their experiences and emotions,” says Tzall. “Encourage open communication, listening actively, and validating their emotions without judgment. And finally, show patience and empathy as they navigate their emotional journey. Healing takes time.”
However, keep in mind that you never have to put up with unkind, emotionally distant, or abusive treatment because of your partner’s painful childhood. If your partner refuses to acknowledge their behavior, is not taking your needs and desires into account, and is not making an effort to work through and heal past trauma, then you may decide this relationship isn’t the right fit.
You Are Deserving of Love
You can’t change the past, but you can focus on your future, especially in how you can show up better than your father did for you. While the road to recovery may not be easy, stay focused on the desired outcome: Healing a father wound can bring you and your partner closer together by showing you what a trusting, healthy relationship should look and feel like — something you have always been, and will always be, deserving of.
