Does having an emotionally unavailable partner mean your relationship won’t last? Not necessarily. Therapists share their advice on how to deal with an emotionally unavailable partner to make your relationships stronger, as well as the red flags that signal you should move on.
Once you understand the signs of an emotionally unavailable partner, you may realize you’re in a relationship with one. But you care about them and don’t want to call it quits.
Can your relationship survive?
The good news is that it can. But it’s going to take work, and — most importantly — willingness on your partner’s part to do that work, too.
Read on for how to cope with an emotionally unavailable partner as well as red flags that signal it may be time to walk away.
What Is an Emotionally Unavailable Partner?
The biggest sign of an emotionally unavailable person is that they are guarded with their emotions. This may be due to unresolved trauma or being raised by a caregiver your partner couldn’t depend on to meet their physical or emotional needs. Or perhaps they were taught that showing emotions was a sign of weakness and were shamed whenever they did so.
Being taught that emotions are a sign of weakness “makes emotionally unavailable people react in fear-based behavior — becoming defensive, attacking, or avoiding interaction because that feels safer than showing emotions, even if they rationally know that they should and that showing emotions is for the health of the relationship,” explains Orit Krug, a licensed creative arts therapist who specializes in dance/movement therapy to help people and couples work through emotional unavailability and trauma.
When having a disagreement, for example, someone who is emotionally unavailable may deflect with “It’s not a big deal” or “You’re overreacting” to shut down the conversation rather than allowing it to go emotionally deeper.
“Emotionally unavailable people have not been taught to express their emotions in childhood; it’s a skill they have never used,” says Tracy Taris, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Many Voices One Truth. “With emotionally unavailable people, there is a lot of fear dealing with emotions, so they keep a guard around themselves [so] what they faced in childhood doesn’t happen again.”
There isn’t always a one-size-fits-all diagnosis when it comes to emotional unavailability, and unresolved childhood dynamics aren’t the only reason someone may be hesitant to let themselves be fully known. Much of it depends on a person’s personality and how they respond to life’s disapointments, notes Taris.
Someone could have had a positive upbringing, but being left at the altar has made them more guarded, for example. In situations like this, it’s up to that person to decide if a past painful experience will tarnish their future or whether they will rise above and seek out healing. Being self-aware and being open to therapy are positive signs that an emotionally guarded person wants to grow.
“Bitterness sneaks up on people, so having an awareness of your response to letdowns can help you deal as you go. Self-awareness is key whether you’ve hailed from a well-adjusted family or a dysfunctional one,” Taris explains.
Interested in learning more? Check out Dealing With Emotionally Unavailable Partners
How to Cope With an Emotionally Unavailable Partner
1. Know Where You Stand
When there’s a fear of sharing emotions, often the fear of commitment isn’t too far behind. The first step is to understand where the relationship is headed and if it is going to meet your needs. If your partner can acknowledge they are emotionally unavailable, that is a huge first step. If your partner knows they want your relationship to progress, that’s another promising sign.
Their self-awareness is important, but those are only steps toward a healthy, mature relationship. “You deserve to be with someone who can meet you emotionally. Trust your intuition about whether or not a potential partner has the capacity to do that,” Zoë Kors, certified sexologist and author of Radical Intimacy: Cultivate the Deeply Connected Relationships You Desire and Deserve, tells DailyOM. “Requiring emotional intimacy is not too much to ask.”
And if they refuse to admit they have any work to do or express a lack of interest in being in a healthy, loving relationship? That’s a clear indication that this person isn’t willing or able to meet your needs.
2. Start With Yourself
The relationship isn’t working, but you love each other and both want to be together. Head together to see a therapist, right? Taris says before you jump right into couples therapy, find a counselor who can serve as a trusted guide for your own personal journey through this process.
“A good therapist will be able to recognize that individual work needs to happen before touching upon the relationship,” Taris says. “Do your own work. And then do what [you learn in therapy]. Unless you apply it, it’s just information. And suggest your partner does [their] own work.”
Your individual journey will also help you discover if any of your patterns might be sparking your partner’s trauma. “Even if someone is the healthiest, most emotionally available person there is, there might be patterns that trigger their partner,” says Krug.
A pattern of wanting to resolve conflict right away while the other needs space, for example, might remind your emotionally unavailable partner of a mother who is too smothering.
“The partner who is emotionally available can look at their own patterns and ask, ‘How am I playing into these [triggering] patterns?’” says Krug. “Take an honest look and ask yourself: Am I comfortable with my own emotions? Do I deal with them in a healthy way? If not, then getting support can be very useful for you as well as your relationship as a whole.”
Once you’ve each worked with a therapist on your own goals, hopes, and areas you want to address, then you and your partner can meet together with a counselor.
3. Set Boundaries
“Know who you are and what you want, and don’t deviate from that,” says Taris. “Does that mean you don’t compromise? Nope. Compromise is important to a relationship, but don’t become what the emotionally unavailable person wants you to be.” For example, don’t stifle your emotions in order to stay within the emotionally unavailable person’s comfort zone. “Part of being emotionally unavailable is having a fear of getting what you want and having a fear of losing it,” Taris adds.
You shouldn’t have to change every aspect of yourself to please the other person or avoid causing them to withdraw further, and though it’s important to have empathy for your partner’s past and emotional struggles, you are not their therapist. You should be in a relationship where emotions can be reciprocated, or — at the very least — with someone who is trying to get there.
Along with establishing boundaries, be clear about what the consequences will be if your boundaries are crossed — and then stick to them. If your partner is unwilling to attend therapy, for example, that might have to mean you end the relationship.
Red Flags to Watch for When Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable
“The biggest red flag and sign that a relationship should be reevaluated is if the emotionally unavailable partner isn’t willing to get professional help. If they’re playing it off like they’re not doing anything wrong, or that they’re fine but their partner is the one who has a problem, that’s a big sign that things will not improve, and that the relationship may even be toxic or abusive,” says Krug.
Other red flags to be aware of: ghosting, gaslighting, stonewalling, and you feeling lonely often in the relationship, says Kors. None of these are excusable and all are signs of abuse or a toxic relationship.
Addictive behavior on your partner’s part is also something to watch out for, since it could go hand in hand with emotional unavailability. “Addictive behavior is often a coping mechanism for emotional discomfort. We drink or use to dull the uncomfortable feelings. Here’s the thing, though: We can’t numb emotions selectively,” says Kors. “If we are unwilling to feel pain, grief, or anger, then happiness, joy, and excitement go with it.”
What Happens When You Address Your Partner’s Emotional Unavailability
When one person in a relationship asks for something new or different from their significant other — say you’re asking your partner to speak with a therapist to address their behavior, or to be more open with you about their feelings, or you don’t go along with their requests as easily as you once did — the “same old, same old” isn’t going to cut it anymore.
In Taris’ experience, healing while in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person typically turns out one of four ways:
- You will heal as you do your own therapy and inner work. Your partner will see the degree you’re changing and will want to achieve the same level of healing.
- You will heal and the relationship will become intolerable to you. Taris says sometimes we choose to be in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person because there’s something going on with us that needs to be addressed and resolved. Once you’re on the path to doing that, you may see that the other person isn’t the right partner for you.
- Your partner might see changes in you that they don’t like that will then prompt them to leave — for example, if you were twisting yourself into a pretzel to accommodate them and are no longer willing to do so, or you are asking for more reciprocity and honesty from them and they can’t handle it.
- Finally, you might heal even though your partner doesn’t, yet still decide to stay. This will likely cause you and your partner to operate as “two ships in the night,” explains Taris.
This last outcome “is common for people who are already married,” Taris notes. “You may have to make up your mind that your partner is who he or she is without allowing yourself to have anxiety or disappointment about that.” The expert says you may want to look for fulfillment in other ways, such as connecting with others through community service. You may still be able to meet some of each other’s needs (maintaining a friendship, caring for one another, or physical intimacy, for example). But if you desire deeper emotional connection, your emotionally unavailable partner will likely not be the person you get that from.
Signs of Progress
Things might not turn around right away (understandably so if you’re working through years of past issues or trauma), so focus on steps of progress. One of the biggest signs of progress is a willingness on the emotionally unavailable partner’s part to continue to seek help.
Talk therapy — both alone and together — is a powerful tool. Additionally, Krug says couples come to her for dance movement therapy, especially in cases of trauma. Couples often find that working together to heal and support each other can be beneficial for them both. “So many of us have become accustomed to escape, to disconnect and not feel the emotions and sensations inside our bodies,” explains Krug. “One of the most common, and sneaky, ways to avoid feeling our emotions is by being hyperfocused in the mind, by overanalyzing our partners and ourselves, and talking ourselves into trying to be more positive while desperately trying to ignore that our bodies are actually feeling really heavy and sad.”
So long as there is willingness from both parties to make the relationship work, then there is hope. But it’s also important to acknowledge that there is only so much you can do for an emotionally unavailable partner. You have to consider your own well-being and happiness as well.
“We can only be empathetic and compassionate to our partners to an extent. We can understand, ‘They have trauma, they’re hurting inside,’ but at a certain point, we have to draw the line for ourselves because we deserve a healthy and loving relationship too,” says Krug.
