If you’ve fallen into a sex routine that feels almost scripted or you long for that proverbial “something more,” you may want to consider spiritual sex — intimacy that feels spiritually connected in some way.
Spiritual sex doesn’t necessarily involve praying to a higher power or connecting to angels and guides. Connecting spiritually with your partner can be just what you need to turn up the heat, deepen your connection, and even make way for more playfulness and pleasure in the bedroom.
DailyOM spoke with several experts about spiritual sex, including what it entails and smart ways to explore it.
What Is Spiritual Sex — And Are Tantric Sex and Spiritual Sex the Same?
Spiritual sex goes by many different names, including “tantric sex” (though, technically, that is just one practice of spiritual sex) — which is part of the Eastern tantra philosophy — and “sacred sex,” according to holistic sex educator and School of Squirt founder Laura Rose Halliday.
“Spiritual sex is defined differently by everyone,” Halliday tells DailyOM, adding that in broad terms, it transcends the physical sexual experience. “If you think of ‘regular’ sex [solely] as a release, then spiritual sex is the opposite. The goal is not to release or throw out your energy. It’s to transcend space and time, physical and cosmic.”
When you stay mindful of all aspects of the intimate experience, spiritual sex “can awaken a new form of consciousness,” Halliday says. Put another way, you may feel the whole encounter more intensely and walk away feeling enlightened.
Spiritual sex can also be defined as “connecting with spirit during a sexual experience,” says Cass Estes, a sex, love, and relationship coach and shamanic practitioner. And “spirit” can mean different things to different people, whether that’s life force, the Universe, or a higher power in general.
Interested in learning more? Check out Sacred Sexuality: Open the Energy of Intimacy
What Is Spiritual Sex Like?
Regardless of how you define spiritual sex, those who embrace the practice describe it as deeply mindful and often profound.
“My experience is what I like to call opening the portal,” Estes says. “I enter a trancelike state where I am fully in my body and feeling sensations with an amplified awareness. Time stops and even though I’m in my body, I am beyond my body. I have the experience of oneness. My heart is open, I am deeply relaxed, and I am attuned to receiving guidance.”
That guidance may take the form of a vision, hearing a voice, or feeling “infinitely loved and held by the Universe,” Estes adds. “It’s the ecstasy and complete surrender of self, like being dissolved and reformed, the way orgasm can be described as la petite mort,” which means “little death” or “the brief loss or weakening of consciousness” in French.
Estes has never seen the same vision as a partner during spiritual sex, though the experience still feels mutually powerful. “In many ways there is a shared experience that is felt,” she says, which involves “riding the same waves of pleasure or energetic vibration.” And you can choose to discuss the specifics of your individual experiences during or afterward, or not.
For Frank Wiegers, co-author of The Magical Sex Book, spiritual sex involves connecting with the Divine. “It’s that feeling of being bigger than my physical body, that I am part of everything. Time stops, and I am in ecstasy.” And you can delve into spiritual sex not only with a partner or partners, but on your own during solo sessions.
Those feelings of ecstasy and surrender may stem from brain changes that spiritual sex invokes. A study published in Frontiers in Psychology in November 2011 showed that orgasmic meditation (OM) sessions, which involved 15 minutes of slow, mindful clitoral stimulation by a partner, affect the brain’s frontal lobes in ways similar to other meditation forms that involve intense focus and a sense of flow or release. Participants reported having powerful spiritual experiences during OM, including feelings of unity and connectedness.
The Benefits of Spiritual Sex
Both anecdotal and clinical findings connect spiritual sex with a range of benefits. According to a study published in the Indian Journal of Mental Health in 2015, spiritual sex is positively linked with well-being and sexual satisfaction. And people who report being spiritually minded often have more fulfilling sex lives.
Those who embrace the practice of spiritual sex describe it as deeply mindful and often profound.
Your intimate bond with a partner may deepen thanks to spiritual sex, too. “When you tap into the Divine in any aspect of life, it inherently deepens your feeling of connection,” explains Estes. Given the openness, vulnerability, and communion it invites, she says, “intentionally exploring spiritual sex with a partner is an opportunity to awaken, uncover, and hold each other in sacred space.” And that closeness is likely to carry on beyond sex.
The form of spiritual sex known as tantric sex, which tends to be slow and meditative, is believed to help minimize common sexual challenges, such as premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and anorgasmia (difficulty experiencing orgasm).
Sex education inspired by tantric practices may also help promote personal growth. The more mindful and relaxed you become during sex, for example, the more at ease you may feel in your daily life — making going after your goals or dreams breezier.
Bringing spirituality into self-pleasure (aka masturbation or solo sex) may help mend emotional wounds, according to breakup and relationship coach Emmi Fortin.
“I believe solo spiritual sex could be healing to someone who has had shameful or self-conscious experiences with sex, and shift perceptions about what sex actually means to them,” she tells DailyOM — something she finds personally significant. “I’ve had many times in the past where I didn’t actually want to be engaging in sex but felt obliged to, which led to this attachment of ickiness and not feeling honored in my body.”
If you relate, Fortin says spiritual solo sex may help you connect with yourself in a loving and accepting way as you experience pleasure from within.
And if you end up experiencing orgasm during solo or partnered spiritual sex, thanks to aspects like reduced tenseness and feeling more attuned to your body, you could draw in the many perks of big Os, from better moods and relationship harmony to bolstered sleep quality.
How to Have Spiritual Sex
Once you’ve set the intention to have spiritual sex — and, of course, checked in with your partner ahead of time to make sure they’re open and enthusiastic to the idea as well — Wiegers suggests creating rituals to set the scene. Those rituals might include lighting candles, eye-gazing as you play, or spending time breathing together — with your hands over your own or each other’s hearts — before any actual sex begins.
You could also try a spiritual sex position (any position that feels spiritual to you), experts agree. In the tantric lotus pose, for instance, one partner sits cross-legged while the other straddles and faces them, basically leaving you in an on-the-lap hug. From there, you can breathe together, literally heart to heart.
Estes, too, suggests setting up a spiritual space and creating a ritual to “symbolize the departure from ordinary reality.” Whether you’re on your own or with a partner, the expert suggests, “block off some time to explore your body [or each other’s bodies]. Then, as you move along, aim to stay present and embodied. To do so, check in with yourself or your partner throughout, bringing your thoughts back to the sensations in your body or your breath if they drift. Meanwhile, don’t fixate on an orgasmic finish line.” Instead, says Estes, “relax, get playful, and enjoy pleasure as a journey.”
If orgasms happen, great. And they don’t, that’s okay, too. The goal of spiritual sex isn’t to “get off,” according to experts, but to tune in and connect. You’re not trying to “get” anywhere, except more present.
If you’re not sure where to start as far as rituals go, Halliday recommends incorporating all of your senses. Use silky sheets that feel sultry on your skin, use a massage oil that has a soothing aroma, dim the lights, and hit play on a sensual playlist, for example. Halliday adds, “By covering all five senses — sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch — you can make it easier to relax into the moment and have a truly transcendent experience.”
