If you’re holding onto trauma or even minor wounds from decades ago, working on your inner child may grant you peace and freedom. If you’re wondering “How do I start reparenting myself today, and why would I want to?”, read on.
Whether we were bullied during recess in grade school, struggled to find dates for high school dances, or were verbally abused by our parents when we were growing up, nearly all of us have a younger part of ourselves that wasn’t loved the way we needed or desired to be.
Rather than acknowledge that pain — which is the first step in healing it — many adults brush these wounds under the rug and act like everything is fine, because we believe that’s what is expected of us. We think we shouldn’t be experiencing any hurt feelings or trauma coming from our inner child.
Our inner child is an amalgamation of our younger selves at multiple points in our upbringing. When we’re young, we are very impressionable as we try to find our way in the world. We soak up what we see, how we’re cared for (or not), and what others say to us and around us. Our inner child can be wounded from a single traumatic event or a series of smaller moments and hurts that add up to something we internalize and hold onto.
Since society often teaches us that it’s weak or shameful to carry this baggage, these painful feelings from childhood can become buried deep within us — hidden out of sight, says Carolyn Rubenstein, PhD, a licensed psychologist and wellness expert in Boca Raton, Florida. “Even though you’re no longer a child, the pain from childhood can definitely impact you in adulthood,” she explains to DailyOM.
The good news: As an adult, you can reparent your inner child by acknowledging the presence of that wounded inner child, identifying what your inner child needs to heal, and harnessing more constructive thought patterns to promote that healing.
Ahead, discover the signs that your inner child might need reparenting, and if so, how to embrace and heal your inner child so you can live more fully and joyfully.
What Does It Mean to “Reparent” Your Inner Child?
The process of healing your inner child, also known as reparenting, allows the version of you at the age that the wound occurred to take the lead — rather than your current-day coping mechanisms and a “We’re all good here!” facade. Reparenting involves exploring emotions and the true parts of you, at your core, that may have been rejected, abused, or wounded in some other way. These wounds need not be from your parents or caregivers; they can be from peers, teachers, or other life forces, too. The “reparenting” aspect simply refers to the fact that the trauma occurred during childhood and that an adult is now embarking on the healing process.
This can potentially help heal wounds that might be decades old and give your soul peace by reaching a place of forgiveness.
“Reparenting our inner child involves being aware of, recognizing, and acknowledging the hurt and pain we carry from our childhood — the good, the bad, and the ugly — without judgment,” explains Anita Astley, a Milwaukee-based licensed therapist and the author of Unf*ck Your Life and Relationships: How Lessons from My Life Can Help You Build Healthy Relationships from the Inside Out. Instead of being a harsh critic of yourself, with reparenting exercises you focus on treating yourself with “much-needed compassion in an attempt to make amends with that inner child,” Astley told DailyOM for this story.
What makes reparenting unique from other self-growth practices is that the intention is to connect to our inner child through the language we used as kids, which is more centered in emotions (rather than our more intellectual, logic-seeking adult one). By doing this, we’re better able to jump back into the mindset where the wounds were built and give our previous self the love or support we needed, but never experienced at the time.
Interested in learning more? Check out Re-Parent Your Inner Child
The Benefits of Listening to and Healing Your Inner Child
Healing your inner child means developing self-awareness, which can benefit your overall mental well-being as well as how you relate to others in your life, from friends to coworkers, your partner, your own children, and your aging parents (if they’re in your life), Dr. Rubenstein adds.
“Becoming self-aware can support your understanding of how past trauma affects your current behavior, helping you to develop healthier coping mechanisms,” she says. “Reconnecting with your inner child and facing these problems can be very challenging, but once you overcome this and heal your wounds, you will likely feel a large weight lifted off your chest.”
According to Astley and Rubenstein, healing your inner child may help you reconnect to your dreams, passions, and talents and unleash your innate personal gifts. Emotionally, it can boost your feelings of safety and security, aid in emotional regulation, increase your self-esteem, and raise your compassion for those in your circle. All of this means fewer barriers standing between you and your full capacity to love yourself and others.
“We need to accept that our inner child is always part of who we are,” Astley explains. “Once you’ve come to peace with these wounds and healed your inner child, though, you can remind yourself that you're in charge, not those previous pains that are lurking and waiting to show themselves when triggered.”
Do You Need to Reparent Your Inner Child?
Not everyone needs to focus on inner child work. So how can you tell if you might? The following are possible signs that a younger you may be in need of some TLC:
- Low self-esteem (which can manifest as an overly harsh inner critic)
- Immaturity
- Frequent childlike outbursts or tantrums
- Difficulty setting boundaries
- Challenges with expressing your needs or feelings
- Fear of commitment or of being abandoned
- Routine self-sabotage
- Trouble explaining emotions, and if you do, feeling misunderstood or unheard
- Frequent bouts of extreme annoyance or irritation
- Lingering on or ruminating over an experience from childhood
If several of those qualities tend to resonate, your salve can start here, Rubenstein says: “By recognizing what caused you pain during your childhood, you can begin to understand the impact these events caused,” she says, which includes the modern-day ripple effects in the list above.
Even if you think your “bad” wasn’t “all that bad,” chances are high that you’re still carrying around something from childhood. Kids, unvarnished by the challenges and potential hardships of adult life, are naturally sensitive. When mixed with a seemingly painful experience — no matter how big or small — it can leave a lasting impact.
5 Reparenting Exercises That Can Help You Heal
The most important thing to keep in mind as you embark on reparenting is to leave any harsh critiques or dismissive thoughts at the door.
“The aim is to get to know and listen to your inner child’s hurt through their voice, without judgment, as they were only doing their best to survive,” Astley says. “When you’re able to do so, you do have the power to heal.”
Rubenstein recommends the following reparenting exercises to give your inner child a hug — and to let the healing begin.
1. Call in Reinforcements
If possible, enlist a trusted friend or a therapist to act as your support system during the reparenting process. While close pals can be helpful, a mental health pro is even better since they can view your experiences through an educated and objective lens. While any support is better than none, a mental health professional is better able to recognize how past childhood experiences have affected your life, relationships, and well-being, and can offer tailored advice, Rubenstein says.
Definitely consider professional support if you experienced substantial trauma during childhood, such as divorce, death of a loved one, incest, addiction issues, physical or mental abuse, or abandonment.
2. Schedule Recess
It can be all too easy to get distracted by responsibilities in adulthood, but playfulness is essential to good mental health — and to being able to let your inner child out. Sneak in activities that allow you to bring back childhood joys.
Go out for an ice cream cone, play board games, head to a playground and hop on the swings. “Whatever you decide to do, the aim is to make your world lighter and rekindle positive emotions,” Rubenstein says.
This will inch you ever closer to resurfacing the childhood self that will help you dive more into what you were feeling — and why.
3. Write a Letter
Once that childlike version of you is making an appearance, it’s a good time to have a conversation. Write a letter to yourself as a child. This can potentially help heal wounds that might be decades old and give your soul peace by reaching a place of forgiveness, Rubenstein says. The goal is to give substance to your childhood pain, trauma, or disappointment so it can be set free and pave the way for an uplifting future.
As you put pen to paper (or type on your phone or computer), start writing a raw, honest letter to your young self that addresses the hardships and challenges you faced, while giving comfort to your inner child. Try to banish feelings of guilt or blame you have harbored for situations you didn’t control, and instead offer your childhood self the compassion that was missing. Ask your younger self questions such as “How do you feel?”, “What do you need from me?”, and “How can I support you?”
4. Meditate
Now that you have the conversation started and those questions and emotions swirling around, dive deeper with meditation. If you don’t already have a mindfulness practice in place, theta meditation is one of the best options for inner child work. This particular modality involves connecting to a different state of consciousness to potentially reprogram limitations and emotional blocks that might still be lingering from your past life or genetic lines.
“You can’t go back in time and replace the love and warmth you missed, but meditation provides a powerful means to connect with your inner child,” Rubenstein tells DailyOM.
When you’re less distracted by modern-day life’s constant pings and your adult personal and professional to-dos, you’ll be better able to envision yourself at your core, including your young self. Once you’re able to fully witness your inner child’s emotions, you can begin to validate your needs and take action steps to move forward.
5. Create and Repeat Affirmations
Reparenting isn’t often a linear process. By that, we mean there’s no one straight path and a “finish line” that confirms “We’ve made it and we’re done!” Since it’s an open-ended journey, a set of positive affirmations can help guide you forward, keep the positive trajectory going, and tell your inner child what they should have heard earlier.
“Research has shown that positive affirmations can support, establish, and enhance self-worth and self-love. It may feel awkward to say affirmations out loud in the beginning, so if you aren’t comfortable with mantras, you can journal the same words or phrases,” Rubenstein says.
A few positive affirmations that align well with inner child work:
- “I am happy, healthy, loved, and abundant.”
- “I choose to foster an environment filled with peace and safety for myself.”
- “I am so very proud of myself.”
- “I release feelings of shame and guilt.”
- “I receive and accept kindness with ease.”
The Bottom Line
Reparenting exercises allow you to reconnect with your inner child to help them feel, deal with, and eventually overcome past trauma. By resurfacing your playful nature, writing a letter to your inner child, delving deeper through meditations, and creating positive affirmations that speak the words your inner child longed to hear, you can walk down the road toward ditching negative coping mechanisms, boosting self-esteem, and unshackling your gifts, dreams, and passions.
