Are you trying to heal a mother wound? Learn how journaling helps with the healing process and try out some journal prompts recommended by therapists.
Krista Nerestant spent the first 30 years of her life coming to terms with the mother wound, though she didn’t know that was the term for it at the time.
Abandoned by her mother escaping an abusive marriage, Nerestant was then kidnapped from her home in the Philippines and brought to the United States at the age of 12. She eventually reunited with her mother, only to be separated again when her mother passed away three years later.
“We weren’t able to really mend and heal together,” Nerestant told DailyOM. “But I had to take custody of my siblings at the age of 21. That was even more reason to heal and not deny the mother wound [I had].”
What Is the Mother Wound?
The mother wound is the result of having an absent or emotionally detached mother. It can even be the result of decades of trauma or abuse that haven’t been dealt with as each woman passes it on to the next generation. Furthermore, someone with the mother wound may realize that their mother prioritized her own needs and interests over those of her children.
“The mother wound is the pain, trauma, and negative psychological messaging that children, typically daughters, inherit from their mother’s own unresolved wounding,” explains Allison Forti, PhD, an associate teaching professor in the Department of Counseling and associate director of Online Counseling Programs at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. “Daughters who experience the mother wound may have had their physical needs met during childhood, but didn’t receive emotional attunement, love, and a sense of safety and security from their mother.”
Sons can experience a mother wound as well, but the root of the wound may look different, adds Dr. Forti. For example, living in a patriarchal society may prompt a mother to be emotionally neglectful or critical of her son because of social influences (teaching boys that it’s not okay to cry, for example). Meanwhile, for daughters, a mother is more likely to pass down generational messaging based on the mother’s personal experience and her own mother wound that she may not even realize she’s been carrying.
Interested in learning more? Check out How to Heal the Mother Wound
Why Journaling Helps Heal the Mother Wound
Nerestant is one example of someone who found immense healing by writing about her experience as a way to process her mother wound. She went on to publish her story in the book Indestructible: The Hidden Gifts of Trauma.
“[Journaling] helped me tremendously. It helped me recognize that I was suffering from the mother wound and that it convoluted my understanding of myself,” says Nerestant. “Journaling allows you to be in an observer state, to explore, to receive realizations and epiphanies without attaching yourself to the experience. Words have power and it is profoundly therapeutic when you read what you have written.”
Whether you want to share your journey with a wider audience or keep it more private, journaling can be a powerful step in the healing process. And if you’re hesitant to try it, know that there isn’t a “wrong” way to journal. It doesn’t even have to be confined to perfectly structured paragraphs and punctuation. Instead, experiment with a variety of mediums, suggests Forti.
The mother wound does not define you. Your commitment to heal and your resilience are what will have the most profound impact — both on you and the generations after you.
You can do an art journal, using pictures to express your thoughts, or you can do a bullet journal full of incomplete sentences and improper grammar.
“Many people shy away from journaling because they find it intimidating or inaccessible,” Forti tells DailyOM. “You don’t need to sit down with paper and pen and write in clear and distinct paragraphs. Relieve the pressure and make journaling work for you by trying out different formats. [Try] any form that fits the purpose of gaining catharsis and reflection.”
11 Mother Wound Journal Prompts
Forti recommends the following journal prompts and activities to help dig into the emotional roots of the mother wound. No one ever needs to see these responses but you, so write however and whatever you wish — there are no wrong answers here! These 11 mother wound journal prompts are simply meant to spark your childhood thinking with your current grown-up wisdom.
1. When you were angry, scared, or sad as a child, who did you turn to?
2. When you were happy or proud as a child, who did you share those feelings with?
3. When you needed advice or support as a child, who did you turn to?
4. What part of yourself was silenced as a child?
5. What part of yourself as a child was acceptable to your caregiver?
6. How did you get through hard times as a child? Who, if anyone, could you turn to?
7. What does your inner child need most right now?
8. What does your inner child need to say to your mother?
9. What does your inner child need to say to herself?
10. What are your inner child’s strengths and signs of resilience?
11. What are your inner child’s wounds and how can you care for them?
How Letter Writing Can Heal the Mother Wound
Once you feel like you’re making progress through journaling, Forti then recommends writing a letter of forgiveness to your mother.
“As you become more self-aware during your healing process, the temptation to hold on to resentments or shame may be strong, yet it’s not helpful,” explains Forti. “Reflect on your mother within the context of her upbringing and circumstances to help de-personalize the process by which she passed on her wounding to you.”
This doesn’t mean you need to forgive her abusive behavior or her cruel treatment of you. But it allows for forgiveness by acknowledging that she was acting from a place of deep hurt and wounding in her own childhood.
Next, write a love letter, a letter of self-compassion, or a forgiveness letter to yourself.
“Forgive yourself for any beliefs you inherited from your mother that no longer serve you. Give yourself space to understand that any beliefs you inherited were born out of survival and once served a function in your life that was deemed necessary,” Forti says.
Other Journaling Techniques
Since the definition of journaling is open to interpretation on the mother wound journey, here are some other options for journaling in different formats. As part of your individual healing journey, use whatever form is the most therapeutic for you.
1. Mapping
One nontraditional journaling technique Nerestant has used during her healing journey is called mapping.
On a large piece of paper, write down your name and your siblings’ names in circles. Next, write your parents’ names, also in circles. From there, branch out with their parents’ names, also in circles, so it looks like a family tree.
If your mom had a healthy relationship with her mother (based on your own perception of their relationship), draw a straight line. If their relationship was strained, anxiety-ridden, or otherwise unhealthy, connect them with a zigzag line. Do this for each person.
“Mapping allows you to recognize how you perceive your family and the relationship dynamics with each family member,” says Nerestant. “When we’re in the ‘fight-or-flight’ state, we’re not able to step back and we’re stuck in the mother wound. But when we do techniques [like journaling or mapping], we can process and step back from it enough so we can actually see [the mother wound enmeshed in our family].”
2. Inner Child Correspondence
As adults, it’s common to want to label, categorize, and “outthink” our pain, says Kate O’Brien, a licensed therapist based in New York. “But feeling pain is necessary [for healing],” she tells DailyOM. “Journaling can help connect you to your feelings” — feelings you might otherwise want to ignore, but shouldn’t.
One of O’Brien’s favorite journaling techniques is to write a letter as your inner child (with your nondominant hand so you truly feel as though you are writing as a child). Looking at a photo of yourself as a child or a toy from your childhood can be helpful in remembering who you are writing for.
After your inner child has written a letter, write that child a response. This allows that child the space to be seen, to be heard, and to get their needs met, explains O’Brien.
“At the root of your own wound is that child within you who didn’t get what they needed. Healing includes accepting that your mother may never be able to give you what you need, so you need to take steps to take care of your own needs,” O’Brien says.
3. Bubble Writing
Nerestant recommends visualizing a bubble filled with each of the questions below. See the bubble with the question at the top of your head, then let it flow downward to your heart and “settle” in your solar plexus.
“Receive the answer from here without force or judgment,” says Nerestant. “Automatically start writing whatever you receive without the head trying to make sense of it.”
- What is my current circumstance?
- How do I feel?
- What do I want to do with this feeling?
- What is my desired way of being/living?
- How can I begin my healing journey?
- How old am I in this experience?
- How does this discovery help me?
- Is this healthy?
Wounds as Breakthroughs
When you’re dealing with trauma, your brain is often in fight-or-flight mode, explains Nerestant. True healing begins when you’re able to sit with the challenges you’ve experienced rather than run away from them. It’s understandable to be angry. And it’s understandable that you’ve perceived the mother wound as a weakness. But it doesn’t have to be.
As you journal, give yourself grace and patience throughout the journey. As anger arises, Nerestant suggests asking questions to get your brain out of fight-or-flight mode: “Is this anger mine? Is this anger bringing me closer to my focus or goal? If not, what is it that I need right now?”
Above all, remember that the mother wound does not define you. Your commitment to heal and your resilience are what will have the most profound impact — both on you and the generations after you.
“I’m a big advocate of being able to see wounds as breakthroughs,” says Nerestant. “Your trauma and challenges can be breakthroughs into the best version of yourself.”
