Are you being gaslit? Experts share telltale signs of gaslighting, whether you’re experiencing it from a boss, family member, or your partner.
In the last few years, gaslighting has entered the public consciousness in a big way: It was Merriam-Webster’s word of the year in 2022, seeing a 1,740 percent spike in searches over the previous year. But as buzzy as the term may be (see the “gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss” meme that’s sweeping the internet), gaslighting is a serious issue that’s important to know about.
In fact, one research paper published in the journal Popular Communication argues that the popularity of the term could be beneficial for society, saying that our suspicions about abuse on a personal level can help combat disinformation on a societal scale, such as us being more skeptical of claims of “fake news” and deepfakes circulating the internet.
What Is Gaslighting?
According to Merriam-Webster, gaslighting is the “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”
Typically we associate gaslighting with toxic romantic partnerships, but it can take place between parents and children, with our supposed friends, in the office, when we go to the doctor, and even on a societal scale when used to deny the existence of structural biases.
The term “gaslight” originated in the famous 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton, Gas Light, which was later adapted into two films. In the story, a woman inherits a lot of money and her partner tries to get his hands on it by making her question her own sanity through petty tricks such as — you guessed it — dimming the gas lights and then pretending he doesn’t notice the flickering. The study mentioned above says that one catalyst for the term’s current popularity was a 2016 article from Teen Vogue titled “Donald Trump Is Gaslighting America,” which inspired its use among other well-known news outlets like The Washington Post and The New Yorker.
Interested in learning more? Check out Narcissitic Relationships: From Surviving to Thriving
The Link Between Gaslighting and Abuse
According to experts we spoke with, there can be subtle and extreme forms of gaslighting. “Hands down, it’s always manipulative, but it’s not always intentionally abusive,” licensed clinical psychologist Karen Bridbord, PhD, tells DailyOM.
“A subtle form of gaslighting may be saying to your partner, ‘Seriously, this is still bothering you?’ We could say that statement is more basic dismissal, but gaslighting falls under that category,” says Jason Polk, LCSW, a licensed therapist and social worker. The expert tells DailyOM that frequently hearing statements like this can lead a partner to question their reality.
According to Kathy Nickerson, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert, an example of a more serious form of gaslighting could be something like your significant other deleting texts or emails and then denying that they ever existed in the first place. She tells DailyOM that in the case of a parent and child, gaslighting often happens alongside serious forms of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. A parent might say, “Oh c’mon, that didn’t hurt.” That will cause a child to question their reaction to the pain they’ve experienced.
The result of being gaslit is you begin to feel as if you can’t trust your own thoughts or feelings. That’s one reason it’s difficult for a victim of gaslighting to realize what’s happening.
“If someone constantly invalidates your feelings and tells you that how you think, what you remember, and what you perceive is wrong — they are gaslighting you,” Dr. Nickerson explains.
When It Might Not Be Gaslighting
So, how do we know when it isn’t gaslighting? New York–based licensed psychologist David Bricker, PhD, shares one example with DailyOM. Say a couple comes into therapy after an argument, and both feel they were in the right and their partner was in the wrong. “To an extent, both of them actually believe [their point of view], and to an extent, both of them are actually right. Both of them have made good points. There’s a lot of truth on both sides and they’ve both made a lot of mistakes.” That isn’t gaslighting, Bricker says. It’s only when a person persists in their point of view and refuses to acknowledge that the other person has a point — or even agree to a shared reality — does it start to cross the line.
In the case of a disagreement between friends, someone may not necessarily be gaslighting if they’re using “I” statements, focusing on their own actions and feelings, and not adding judgment or contempt when giving feedback.
Nevertheless, it’s always valid and even wise to exit a situation if someone is behaving poorly toward you, whether or not they’re using gaslighting tactics. “The definition of ‘poorly’ is subjective, and that’s the point,” Polk says. “Your subjective reality is yours, and it’s valid. No one can define it for you.”
How to Spot Gaslighting Behaviors
Gaslighting involves a complete lack of empathy for the victim and can be extremely tricky to spot. To illustrate what that looks like in practice, here are eight telltale signs of gaslighting that can occur.
1. A Gaslighter Uses Loaded Words Against You
There are certain words and phrases that people use when they want to invalidate your thoughts and feelings. If someone calls you “crazy,” “irrational,” or “too sensitive,” they’re likely trying to attack your point of view, says Polk. A gaslighter may also accuse you of “imagining things” or “overreacting” to something they’ve said or done.
2. A Gaslighter Is Extremely Defensive
Polk also says that gaslighters tend to get overly defensive over small confrontations. Gaslighters need to be right, dislike criticism, and refuse to accept any blame, so if they feel like you’re challenging them, it’s not uncommon for them to become highly defensive in response.
3. A Gaslighter Is Constantly Telling You How You Feel
One major gaslighting flag is when you feel something and your partner is like, “You shouldn’t feel that,” Dr. Bridbord says. Only you get to decide how you feel about a situation, but gaslighters will often try to make you question your take on reality to get you on their page and to undermine your judgment.
4. A Gaslighter Always Makes You Out to Be the Bad Guy
A common tactic used among gaslighters is DARVO, which stands for deny, accuse, and reverse victim and offender. A gaslighter might deny their victim’s assertion of hurtful, deceptive, or manipulative behavior, according to Bridbord. Not only that, but they also might turn around and accuse the wounded party of unfairly attacking them, turning themselves into the victim and you into the bad guy. Reversing blame can also look like the gaslighter saying that you made them behave a certain way, and that it was your fault.
5. You Start to Question Your Reality Around a Gaslighter
The result of being gaslit is you begin to feel as if you can’t trust your own thoughts or feelings. That’s one reason it’s difficult for a victim of gaslighting to realize what’s happening. A gaslighter might make you feel this way through outright denying what you know to be true, saying that you’re confusing them, trivializing your feelings, or completely ignoring you and changing the subject. However they attempt to manipulate you, Bridbord says, their gaslighting behavior can lead you to experience “a chronic sense of self-doubt” and loss of confidence. You may notice you’re having a harder time than normal making decisions because you don’t trust yourself, and that you’re overly worried about the consequences of making the wrong one.
In a healthy relationship, be it romantic, friendly, professional, or familial, you should be made to feel good about yourself, because people who care about you and respect you want to build you up and for you to succeed. Gaslighters, on the other hand, will often tear down your confidence as a way to make you easier to manipulate.
6. A Gas-Lighter Undermines Your Self-Confidence
“If you’re feeling depressed and anxious, that doesn’t mean your partner is gaslighting you, of course,” stresses Bridbord. “But if you have these other feelings that are associated with it, like your partner doesn’t feel safe to you, your partner doesn’t feel like somebody you can really be yourself with, and that they have your back,” you might be a victim of gaslighting, says the expert.
7. A Gaslighter Outright Denies What You Know to Be True
In extreme cases, gaslighters will delete or destroy evidence of something that happened in order to maintain their version of reality. “They may move or adjust things so you question your memory,” Nickerson says, like the husband in Hamilton’s play.
They might also deny saying or doing things you know they said or did (but have no evidence of), then try to make you feel like you’re making things up.
8. You Feel Like You Need to Agree on Everything
In a healthy romantic relationship, it’s normal to have disagreements. You can agree to disagree and accept the fact that you have different perspectives, so long as you’re respectful and caring and you acknowledge each other’s point of view. “But when you’re in an abusive relationship, it’s not okay to have a different perspective, in essence,” Bridbord says. “You’re supposed to be the same.”
In the workplace, a responsible and ethical manager will recognize the power imbalance between themselves and their employees and be mindful not to exploit it or deflect their actions, explains Polk. Whereas “a boss that’s gaslighting would make an employee feel dumb or irrational for things they don’t know. For example, ‘You didn’t know you should’ve called them back?’ [But] the underlying issue is the boss providing inadequate training or guidance. A healthy boss in that situation would say something like, ‘I’m sorry, I forgot to mention that it’s our policy to call back in that situation.’”
Over time, a gaslit employee might begin to lose faith in their own abilities, question their reality, and become a less effective worker, not to mention feel miserable going into the office every day.
Narcissist Gaslighting and Why People Gaslight
Bridbord tells us that gaslighters often engage in this behavior because they need the world to align with their own perspective, and they can feel threatened when it doesn’t. In fact, experts say that gaslighting is common among people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). People with NPD have an inflated sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy, and often use charm and deceit to manipulate the people around them. Gaslighting is a major part of this.
Moreover, gaslighting is typically used when there’s an imbalance of power as a way for the gaslighter to maintain the higher ground. As mentioned above, it’s common for people to gaslight in order to perpetuate larger structural inequalities and biases like racism, gendered stereotypes, and homophobia. One study, published in Psychology of Women Quarterly, found that predominantly white and Asian college students were more likely to blame rape victims if they were Black. Another article, published in Narrative Inquiry in Bioethics, reports that people who are fat are often blamed for their weight and medical conditions by physicians, which maintains the societal ideology that being fat is wrong or unhealthy.
Take the Course: Be Free From Unhealthy Relationships
What to Do If You’re a Gaslighter
Though it’s painful to look in the mirror and see yourself as someone who uses manipulative, gaslighting tactics, you can change your ways. Simply thinking you may be a gaslighter is a good first step toward addressing the issue and healing. “That requires a degree of honesty and humility,” Polk says. “Then you need to start practicing and expressing three things in your relationship: empathy, accountability, and vulnerability.”
Bridbord says that in many cases, gaslighters learned their behavior through interpersonal relationships they were in as children, and that it’s possible to unlearn these behaviors — if, that is, they’re willing to put in the work.
Try to practice seeing the other person as separate from yourself, with different values, opinions, and experiences.
One step you can take is to ask your partner or the person you’ve been gaslighting to point out when you’re doing it, and to practice showing empathy, taking responsibility, and learning from the experience. Seeing a therapist can also be helpful.
Are You Being Gaslit?
Ultimately, if you have suspicions that you’re being gaslit, that’s confirmation enough that something isn’t right in that relationship. Recognize gaslighting for the serious problem that it is, and respond in a way that puts your health and safety first — whether that means confiding in friends and family, going to therapy, or exiting the situation. Most importantly, remember that your thoughts, feelings, and memories are completely valid, and treat yourself with compassion as you go forward toward a safer, healthier place.
