The holidays can be stressful for relationships — especially when that mistletoe is adorned with red flags. Experts share what relationship red flags to watch out for during the holidays and why they shouldn’t be ignored.
For those in a new relationship, the holidays can be a make-it-or-break-it time of year. There’s a lot of cultural pressure to be in a picture-perfect union and introduce your partner to your closest family and friends.
But the holidays can also reveal a person’s true colors. How your partner approaches big moments — from gift-giving to meeting your friends and family — says a lot about their character and the way they form bonds with others. And those true colors may sprout some red flags (or pink or beige). Whatever the flag color, it’s important not to ignore it.
For new relationships in particular, it may be tempting to excuse unsettling behavior on the stress of the holidays, but experts agree: A red flag is still a red flag — whether it happens regularly or just every December.
“Red flags are a building narrative of what is likely to happen in the future. If you ignore them, you are setting yourself up for difficulty and disappointment later,” says Jenn Kennedy, PhD, a licensed therapist and founder of Riviera Therapy and The Pleasure Project.
Read on to learn why it’s important not to ignore even the most sporadic of red flags during the holiday season and how to confront them in productive, healthy ways — not only for yourself, but for the other person’s benefit as well.
Why You Shouldn’t Ignore Red Flags During the Holidays
The holidays provide an opportunity to see how people operate during a time of year when emotions — and stress — run high. Everyone has their own expectations for gift-giving, becoming engaged or making their relationships “official,” and getting together with close loved ones. When those expectations don’t always align with our partner, it becomes easy to see why this time of year can be hard on relationships.
“When red flags pop up during the holidays, it’s especially important to pay attention because we’re seeing how people operate during one of those most joyful yet also one of the most challenging times of the year,” says Carla Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of The Joy of Imperfect Love“These red flags tell us pieces of an individual that we may not notice or be exposed to during other times of the year.”
The holidays can also bring to light what you each value and whether you are truly compatible. If you want to decorate your apartment like a twinkling winter wonderland, but your significant other doesn’t share your same zeal for holiday décor … this is an opportunity to evaluate.
For new relationships in particular, it may be tempting to excuse unsettling behavior on the stress of the holidays, but experts agree: A red flag is still a red flag — whether it happens regularly or just every December.
Do you want to build a life with someone who shares your excitement for this time of year … or is at least open to it? This will likely require compromise on both ends. They may agree to a bedazzled tree if you’re willing to have a quiet Christmas Eve.
“Someone who loves Christmas probably shouldn’t marry a Scrooge. Someone who wants to celebrate the holidays at home may not ultimately be compatible with someone who prefers to travel or not celebrate them in a traditional way,” says Natasha Burton, relationship expert and co-author of The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags. “Understanding if you’re compatible when it comes to celebrating the holidays is important if you see a future together, and it could determine if you have a future at all.”
Red flags can also serve a deeper purpose beyond compatibility. A red flag may be someone’s cry for help, which is yet another reason not to ignore them.
“Red flags are someone’s way of trying to tell you something. That person may be in pain or suffering or struggling. They’re acting out what they can’t put into words,” says Anita Astley, an individual, couples, and family therapist and author of Unf*ck Your Life and Relationships. “Don’t ignore red flags — not just for your sake, but for the other person’s sake as well.”
Interested in learning more? Check out: Narcissistic Relationships: From Surviving to Thriving.
7 Relationship Red Flags That Show Up During the Holidays
According to the experts, these are examples of relationship red flags to be wary of during the holidays. Some may be less red and more pink or beige, depending on your values and what you are willing to tolerate.
Pink or beige flags are warning signs that could turn into toxic behavior if left ignored. So anything that gives you pause is important to pay attention to — whether it’s in questioning the person you’re with or why you’re reacting negatively to a particular circumstance.
1. Evading Family Introductions
This is a red flag that has some complexity to it, so the first thing to evaluate is the stage of the relationship.
“This may be a sign that you are on different pages about your level of commitment. You might be ready to take the next step but the other may not be,” says Burton. “If you’re able to communicate openly and honestly about this disparity, you should be able to continue your relationship and eventually take this step maybe next year or for the next major holiday.”
Either way, communication is going to be your key to understanding the intent behind the lack of invitation. Your significant other may think they’re doing you a favor by NOT asking you to celebrate the holidays with their family and not insisting you invite them. “They may be trying to protect you from a dysfunctional gathering, so it may not necessarily be a negative thing,” says Astley.
That said, if your significant other lies to you or withholds information from you to keep you from being a part of their family’s or friend’s event, that takes the red flag status to another level.
“To me, this would signal a trust issue as well as a communication issue that would indicate your partner doesn’t have the maturity to talk openly with you about this,” says Burton.
Another element that makes this situation a red flag is if your significant other simply doesn’t want to make the effort to spend time with your family or theirs. This can signal a deeper relationship issue — even for established relationships — which, again, is best handled with honesty and open communication.
If we talk about why we don’t want to celebrate with the other person’s family, says Astley, “it will decrease our chances of being disappointed. But sometimes, especially in established relationships, it’s a matter of sucking it up and compromising. If we’re not willing to do this [or our partner isn’t willing to do this], then we need to look deeper and ask why.”
If it does turn into a “suck it up and compromise” situation, the more proactive you can be about holiday plans, including who is celebrating with whom and any unease you have about it, the better.
“Family is skilled at pushing buttons. Have a conversation with your partner about what they are looking forward to and what they are dreading as you head into family time during the holidays,” says Dr. Kennedy. “This prepares you to be aware of the pitfalls, and the two of you can plan for times when each of you may need more support.”
2. Negative Behavioral Changes
Complicated, toxic, or estranged family relationships can bring out behavior during the holidays that we may not see at other times of the year. If your partner is displaying controlling or jealous behavior, it will be tempting to react defensively. Instead, Dr. Manly suggests taking a step back and becoming curious about what is happening beneath the surface.
Start by bringing up what you are observing: “It feels to me like you may be getting jealous when I’m with my friends.” This should be followed up with wanting to understand “the why.” Try saying something like: “Could you explain what’s happening for you?”
If they deny showing jealous behavior, you can then say, “I may have gotten it wrong on the jealousy, but I notice when I do this, you do this.”
Refrain from labeling it as “bad” or “wrong,” advises Manly. However, be clear about what their behavior is bringing up for you and how you can change the dynamic to keep it from triggering you, she says.
What may also be happening is something called displacement, says Astley.
“Displacement is when we take emotions that we can’t deal with in a healthy manner and put them on someone else,” she explains. “Don’t get into defense mode, but say, ‘I’m concerned because you’ve been talking to me about this toxic relationship, and I notice you keep getting agitated with me even though you might not be doing it intentionally.’”
You might need to help them make the connection that this needs to be resolved on their own in a healthy manner, and not put on you, says Astley. Approach it with compassion, but make it clear that while their anger toward a certain family member is valid, it doesn’t mean they get to take their frustration out on you.
3. Drinking Excessively
Overdoing it here and there over the holidays is going to happen — like spending a bit more than you anticipated on gifts. But overdoing it when it comes to alcohol consumption or substance use may be a sign of a deeper issue. At the very least, it’s a pink flag. For example, says Burton, if your significant other is getting sloshed at the company holiday party, is this one-off behavior (a pink flag) or a recurring theme (red flag)?
This isn’t about judging them, notes Manly. But if their drinking or substance use (or spending or some other habit that seems headed in an unhealthy direction) is going to an extreme, it may be a sign that your lifestyles aren’t in alignment. And it likely will require a conversation to see if a more complex issue is lurking beneath the surface.
Conversely, if someone is tracking your food or alcohol intake (especially if it’s being done in a controlling manner), that could be a red flag as well.
4. Detaching From Events and People
The holidays aren’t the best time for everyone, especially if you’re grappling with loss, depression, or loneliness.
“Although the holidays are about joy, the fact of the matter is that most people have some loneliness and depression because the holidays also bring about thoughts and feelings about people from your past,” says Astley. “We can’t help but think about the people who have come in and out of our lives, whether that was in a healthy or unhealthy manner.”
This can start veering into red-flag territory when someone begins to isolate themselves or isn’t participating in activities they normally enjoy, says Kennedy. An uptick in alcohol consumption or substance use can signal this as well.
“It might be a sign that the holidays are difficult for them. Inquire about their history with the holidays and what they would prefer holidays to look like together,” says Kennedy. “Notice if their substance use accelerates. Let them know your concerns. It’s okay to set boundaries about consumption and behavior with a partner.”
If you notice your significant other is starting to withdraw and isolate during the holidays, it’s your duty not to ignore it. This red flag isn’t necessarily a sign that you should end the relationship. It’s more of a cry for help, and it requires a deeper conversation to better understand why they may be isolating.
“If we don’t pay attention, people withdraw further. Research shows the more we alienate, the more we engage in self-medicating with alcohol and substance use,” says Astley.
She recommends approaching someone who is isolating themselves by saying: “I know you’re struggling this year, let me help you.” Or simply ask, “What can I do to help?” instead of ignoring the issue or telling them to snap out of it.
“If they need space, give them space, but not too much,” says Astley. “Reach out again, saying, ‘I haven’t heard from you, so I’m going to come over, and we’re going to go out.’”
5. Their Treatment of Others
You obviously can’t control the behavior of the friends, family, and coworkers of your significant other … but even so, how do they treat these people?
“Watch the dynamics with friends and family. Is there teamwork and graciousness, or hostility?” says Manly. “For people dating who have children, how are their children being treated during the holidays? Are they included or cast to the side?”
Another major red flag, notes Manly, is when someone doesn’t stand behind you or defend you in difficult situations.
“This is a huge one because family members can be callous in bringing up previous relationships or childrearing practices,” says Manly. “If a partner doesn’t have your back in those situations, this can be a deal breaker.”
6. An Unwillingness to Be Flexible
You have your unique traditions, and your significant other has theirs. At first, it can be difficult to compromise, which is why an unwillingness to be flexible with holiday traditions is considered more of a pink flag. However, this could turn into a red flag as the relationship progresses if you can’t eventually find common ground, notes Burton.
“You need to both be flexible and willing to celebrate some things differently sometimes in order to accommodate the other person and their family,” says Burton. “Talk about what are nonnegotiables for you, and decide what makes the most sense when you’re figuring out what traditions to follow and whose family to spend time with and when.”
The same goes for a partner’s attitude around the holidays. If you absolutely love decorating for the holidays while your partner only complains about the electricity bill going up, this could be a pink flag that may eventually turn red. At the very least, the hope of compromise needs to be a possibility.
“Look at how much of a team player your partner is,” says Manly. “If a partner’s tolerance is disparaging, you need to consider if this is indicative of a deeper issue, especially in new relationships where you’re just starting to learn about their behaviors.”
7. Insincere Gift-Giving
This flag may be more pink or beige than red, but it’s important to take note of, especially if gift-giving (and let’s be honest, receiving — it’s the holidays, no need to pretend you don’t appreciate getting a gift!) is important to you.
“If you choose to exchange gifts, ideally the gift your partner gets you should be thoughtful and not generic like an Amazon gift card. If gift-giving is your love language or if it’s just important to you in general, this could be a pink flag,” says Burton.
Of course, it’s possible the gift card wasn’t ill-intended. They might know how much you enjoy shopping and honestly thought they were getting you something you would use and appreciate. This is where communication about expectations will thwart any uncomfortable moments and preventable arguments, whether those expectations involve gift-giving or traditions, or whose family you’re celebrating with first.
“Having a clear conversation about expectations is one of the most fundamental things couples need to do [during the holidays],” says Astley. “People don’t have that conversation because they’re afraid they won’t meet the expectations, but then they end up disappointing each other either way. They operate on ‘You should already know this.’ But if we talk, we decrease our chances of being disappointed.”
What to Do Once You Spot a Red Flag
1. Talk Things Out
Communication will always be your ally when addressing red flags. But instead of confronting a red flag with defensiveness, hurt, or anger, approach it with curiosity. In fact, try not to even label it as a red flag — at least not at first.
“Get curious about ‘the why’ and don’t assume what [the red flag] means,” says Kennedy. “Are they embarrassed of their family or is there something they haven’t resolved in themselves? Let it be a discussion instead of an assumed red flag or slight.”
The keys to having a constructive conversation about red flags are to listen more than you speak and to resist the temptation to accuse.
“If you’re accusatory, the reception will be defensive. We have to ask with the intent to understand. It takes compassion and active listening, which is very different from accusing or attacking,” says Astley. “Once we have an understanding of the why, then we can have a conversation about negotiating and managing the emotions you have.”
It’s also quite possible that your partner may not be aware of their negative behavior.
“It’s so important to look at whatever is coming up as purely as possible,” says Manly. “You’re not trying to fix your partner; you’re trying to make space for discussion about dysfunctional behavior.”
2. Find the Right Time to Talk
It’s also important to consider the timing of your talk. Wanting to sort out red-flag behavior just as you’re pulling up to Christmas dinner at his parents may not be the best.
Manly’s rule of thumb is to have a serious discussion only once you’ve minimized hunger, anger, loneliness, tiredness, or stress — or its acronym, HALTS. “When we are in any of these ‘HALTS’ states, we are more reactive and less logical,” Manly explains. “And stress is often the biggest factor.”
So instead of pointing out a triggering behavior after your second cocktail following a stressful week of work, sit down with a cup of tea on a Saturday morning, suggests Manly. Get centered and then get curious, using phrases like: “I hear your resistance. Could you tell me why? What is this bringing up for you?”
When we understand [the why], we may see that fear is what is driving the behavior — whether that be fear of judgment, fear of commitment, or past fears that have never been dealt with. Either way, that fear will likely become its own conversation, says Manly.
3. Confront the Issue
It’s understandable to be thrown off by a red flag — especially when a new relationship seems to be blossoming with ease. Remember, no one is perfect, and a red flag isn’t necessarily a deal breaker — but it’s never to be left ignored.
If the red flag is a deal breaker wherein being in the relationship is more difficult than ending it, don’t let the holidays keep you from doing what you need to do, says Manly.
“If it’s toxic, aggressive behavior, it doesn’t matter. Your mental health and sanity are more important than the ripple effect of a breakup,” says Manly.
4. Evaluate What Your End Game Is
If a red flag warrants a breakup conversation, but you can’t handle that during this time of year, then it’s okay to just get through the holidays. It’s fine to put difficult feelings on the “emotional bookshelf” and then return to them, says Astley.
Soon after the holidays, revisit those feelings and whatever it is that doesn’t sit well with you. Have the conversations and be honest, even if those conversations are tough to unpack and uncomfortable to sit with. You’ll thank yourself for it later, as will your partner — whether that be the person you’re with now or the future one, who will be more than willing to celebrate the holidays with you in ways that feel good to you both.
