If your relationship with your father is challenging, or even nonexistent, here are strategies for approaching Father’s Day that honor these complexities.
While many people gear up to celebrate their dads on Father’s Day, not everyone looks forward to the holiday. For me, balancing the needs of both my dad and my stepdad on Father’s Day is complicated. I’ve spent most of my life bouncing between two very separate sets of parents, hyperaware of potentially hurt feelings when choosing to visit one over the other or even by honoring both.
If your relationship with your father or fathers is fraught, strained, or nonexistent, this day can bring up all sorts of difficult and painful emotions that greeting card companies don’t offer cards for.
Here are strategies for approaching Father’s Day that honor the complexities many of us experience with this holiday.
Acknowledge Your Feelings Without Judgment
Instead of ignoring your emotions about your father — since they’ll still be there even if you try to shove them down — work toward neutral acceptance of them, whatever they are. That includes allowing yourself to grieve for what you’ve lost or what you don’t have, clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo, author of This Is What Matters, tells DailyOM.
“Acknowledging how you’re feeling helps you regain power and be kind to yourself,” Dr. Neo explains. When you are clear with yourself about what’s going on, you are less likely to get swept away by the situation — and your feelings surrounding it. “Especially if you come from a culture where a lot of responsibility lies on your shoulders, or you’re a perfectionist who tends to blame yourself a lot of the time, acknowledging what’s going on in a very neutral way will help you right now and in the long run,” Neo says.
Interested in learning more? Check out Healing the Father Wound to Stop Self-Sabotage
Set Reasonable Expectations
Prepare for Father’s Day by getting your mind around your intentions and expectations, says self-esteem coach Simone Alicia, DDhc. Dr. Simone, whom DailyOM spoke with for this article, suggests using a journal to help you prepare yourself emotionally by “pre-paving” your experience.
“Think of what can go right and wrong and how you would like to react,” Simone says. “Doing this doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes or have an unexpected experience, but it does mean that rather than feeling blindsided or caught off guard, you are setting the stage to feel just a little more prepared in a potentially tough situation.”
Try jotting down possible scenarios for the holiday based on past experiences, your own fears, and even a best-case option. This will help you feel more equipped to handle whatever comes up.
Celebrate Multiple Father Figures as You See Fit
If you have more than one father figure, finding balance can be challenging. Being specific with how you celebrate their roles in your life can help each person feel valued and seen. “Instead of being vague, let each person know why you love them and why you cherish them,” Neo advises. “It’s the difference between simply saying, ‘You’re amazing’ and ‘You’re amazing because you do X.’”
If you’re feeling pulled in multiple directions, remember that you don’t need to explain yourself or share how you’re choosing to celebrate with the others. “It is your choice and within your boundaries and your rights to keep the information contained or as vague as you want it to be,” Neo says.
Steer Clear of Social Media
Holidays are a peak time for social media posting as people show off their highlight reels of the day’s events — and Father’s Day is no exception. You may want to abstain from scrolling through social media to avoid posts that may trigger you and to keep from comparing your own relationship with your father to other people’s.
If you do choose to spend time browsing your feeds, keep in mind that what you’re seeing is curated, Neo says. “We don’t see behind the scenes [on social media] so you may be assuming a lot of things, like that people naturally have great relationships with their fathers, but you don’t have the whole picture. This is not so you cast doubts about others’ relationships, but rather about understanding that not everything is as straightforward as you think it is. This will give you some perspective.”
Harness Compassion
You might feel pressure to forgive and forget, or move on from past events for the sake of your father, or your family in general. If forgiveness isn’t possible for you, Simone suggests reframing this concept from excusing someone’s wrongdoing to allowing yourself to move forward.
“Aim for compassion instead of forgiveness,” she says. “Coach your thoughts toward being compassionate to yourself and toward humanity despite our shortcomings, mistakes, missed lessons, and ignorance.”
While having compassion won’t change the past, it can free you from “bearing the punishment for someone else’s crime,” Simone adds, allowing you to focus on the healthy relationships in your life instead.
Protect Yourself
Remember that your Father’s Day doesn’t need to look like other people’s. Feel empowered to make the best choice for your mental health, including distancing yourself from a toxic family situation.
“Peace is a valuable commodity that we sometimes take for granted,” Simone says. “We often squander it on obligation by doing what everyone else is doing. It is a powerful thing to maintain the distance necessary to embrace and value your peace of mind.”
Make new traditions that fill your life with joy rather than force a Father’s Day celebration that doesn’t honor your truth. If you choose not to be with your father or celebrate him on this holiday, Neo suggests asking yourself who you can honor.
“Think about the people who are in your tribe — you won’t be the only person who has a strained relationship with their father,” she says. “Chances are there are quite a few people in the same situation. Celebrate each other and be there for each other.”
