People don’t get married with the intention of splitting up down the road, yet 35 percent to 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce (and those numbers only increase for subsequent marriages). Although the numbers are high, experiencing a divorce still carries a heavy stigma in some communities, and across the board, the experience is often sad and painful. But it’s important to keep in mind that as difficult as your healing journey may be, there’s life after divorce.
The experts whom DailyOM spoke with say there are five stages of grief that people typically experience when healing from a divorce, much like the process people undergo when mourning the death of a loved one. That said, these five stages of divorce grief are not always linear, and a person may experience the first four stages of grief from a divorce and then revisit feelings of denial or anger again several months — or even years — later. In other words, if you are facing the end of a marriage, expect ups and downs, but also know that you will survive — and ultimately thrive.
The 5 Stages of Divorce Grief
Stage 1: Denial
Anthony Franklin, EdD, a licensed professional counselor at the University of Houston, tells DailyOM that denial is often the first stage of a breakup.
“Many of my clients who go through a divorce first experience some variation of denial,” Dr. Franklin says. “They may unrealistically hope that their partner will change their mind and not follow through with a divorce or that whatever is causing tension in the marriage will work itself out.” Denial is certainly normal, though the expert says that holding onto hope for a reconciliation may complicate or even delay the grieving process.
Janelle Watson, a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Los Angeles area and owner of Embrace Wellness, says denial may also look like someone not facing their own unhappiness in their marriage. Some of her clients, for example, enter counseling for a different reason, but while in counseling “realized that they were not happy in their marriage and eventually decided to get a divorce,” Watson tells DailyOM.
This was the case for Maryanne Washington of Los Angeles, who knew she was not completely happy in her marriage, yet didn’t decide to divorce her husband of 15 years until after working with a therapist. “I come from a generation of women who endure and bear their unhappiness,” Washington shares. “I always assumed this was how it was supposed to be. There were some moments of happiness in my marriage, which kept me in denial. But overall, I was unhappy, and deep down, I knew he was, too. I was way more invested in our marriage than he was, and over time, it felt like we began working against each other and as a team. But I didn’t want to believe the reality: We had not been in a happy relationship for years.”
Washington says that even after she began exploring options to divorce her husband, it was hard for her to fully accept that the marriage was over.
“I think coming to terms with my marriage being over happened in stages. I was in therapy for almost a year before I realized that my ex-husband and I needed to divorce, but it took longer for my heart to agree. We have two kids together, so we were still very much connected, and sometimes it felt like we were still a family, which made it harder to accept that our marriage was over,” explains Washington.
According to Franklin, because most people want their marriage to work, it is not uncommon for even the person who initiates the divorce to wrestle with feelings of denial, much like Washington did.
Stage 2: Anger
Anger is typically the next stage, Franklin says.
DailyOM spoke with Patrick Harris, who says he dealt with severe anger toward his partner, who asked him for a divorce shortly after the pair celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary. “I was completely blindsided and felt I had given and sacrificed so much. It was a slap in the face that my sacrifice was not good enough. Looking back, I am thankful because I now realize we were in a highly toxic marriage. But it took a lot for me to deal with my anger,” Harris reflects.
Washington also experienced feelings of anger while healing from her divorce — though her anger was directed inward. “I did feel some anger and resentment toward my husband, but I was angrier at myself for staying in a loveless marriage for so long,” she says.
Although we often think of anger as a negative emotion, Franklin challenges that perspective and says that feelings of anger can be liberating and empowering to both people involved.
For a person to have reached the acceptance stage of healing, they usually have also stopped thinking about their ex unnecessarily and have positive feelings about beginning a new chapter of their life.
“As long as anger does not consume the person, I have observed anger to be a source of motivation to many of my clients going through a divorce,” says Franklin. “In many cases, anger can help a person move on with their life in a surprisingly positive and productive way. The trick is to not wallow in anger or to allow anger to control your behavior. Instead, embrace it as a healthy and normal temporary human emotion, and eventually move past it to a place of acceptance.”
Stage 3: Bargaining
Although it may sound strange for bargaining to come after anger, Franklin says that many of his clients yearn to save their relationship and think of realistic — and unrealistic — ways to do so, sometimes long after the divorce. “Bargaining is typically a person’s last-ditch attempt to salvage the marriage and to hold onto hope,” says Franklin. “I have had clients come to me riddled with anger one week, and the next week listing ways they can save a marriage that has just ended in divorce.” He sometimes observes this phenomenon when people feel lonely after their initial separation.
Washington found herself bargaining just before her divorce was final. Soon after their separation, she invited her ex over. “I made his favorite meal. I dressed up, wore my hair how he liked it, and even wore his favorite perfume. I pulled out all the stops. But deep down, I knew our marriage issues went beyond a good dinner and a hairstyle. Months later, I told him, and we actually laughed about it. I think I did all that because he was familiar and all that I knew. I was craving companionship. I was lonely, afraid to start over, and afraid of the unknown.”
Stage 4: Depression
It’s no surprise that depression is common as the reality of divorce sinks in. “One of the reasons a divorce can be so painful is that divorce typically entails letting go of hopes and dreams that we have made for the future that involve our partner,” explains Franklin. You’re not only grieving the loss of this person in your life, the expert adds, but also your wishes and fantasies for a future together. Having children can exacerbate these feelings.
It’s normal to experience feelings of sadness while healing from a divorce and it’s expected that you may sometimes not feel like yourself. Loneliness, sorrow, confusion, and worries about the future can all occur. However, Franklin cautions that normal grieving is not the same as a mental health condition. If you find it hard to get out of bed or you have a loss of appetite for three weeks or longer, you may be experiencing clinical depression and should speak with your doctor or a therapist to get support and help.
Even if you’re coping and doing “okay enough,” both Franklin and Watson explain that seeking therapy can be instrumental in healing from a divorce. There is also research to support that going to counseling together as a couple to gain clarity around your divorce can be helpful, if that is something you and your ex are able to do, and that if you co-parent, outside support can help all members of the family.
Although Harris wasn’t diagnosed with depression, he did experience extreme sadness. “There were days when I couldn’t get out of bed. Eventually, I decided to talk to a counselor, which changed my life,” he says. Washington shares Harris’s sentiments and says that her therapist was a major component in her healing process.
Although anyone in the midst of a divorce can experience divorce grief, the reason for the divorce can impact how difficult it is to process the breakup. For example, if a couple’s marriage ends in divorce as a result of cheating or some form of betrayal, the person who was cheated on or betrayed may have a harder time recovering than a couple divorcing amicably because they grew apart or their lives happened to grow in two different directions.
Stage 5: Acceptance
Eventually, most people begin to accept the finality of their marriage. However, Watson says moving past the denial, bargaining, anger, and depression at the end of a marriage is only a portion of this stage. For a person to have reached the acceptance stage of healing, they usually have also stopped thinking about their ex unnecessarily and have positive feelings about beginning a new chapter of their life.
Franklin says, “I have clients who are adamant about fully accepting their divorce, yet bring up their ex in most counseling sessions for little to no reason or still harbor anger toward their partner. I try to explain to them that full acceptance is marked by peace about their former partner and their new life.” This includes prioritizing your needs and desires and exploring your creativity, spirituality, career, friends and family, volunteerism, and other things that are important to you.
Interested in learning more? Check out Transitioning Through Divorce: Grieving the Loss of Marriage
Life After Divorce
Divorce is an incredibly challenging life event, and it’s not uncommon for people to experience feelings that range from disbelief and denial to anger, resentment, and deep, deep sorrow. Give yourself grace, honor your feelings, and be patient as you navigate this period, which is different for each person. Some people may be able to rebuild their life and move on in six months, while for others it may be three years. It all depends on the person, the couple, and the circumstances surrounding the breakup.
Self-compassion here is essential. Research shows that kindness toward yourself can make divorce more bearable. Consider reaching out for help. That might mean talking to a therapist, finding a support group for people going through a divorce, leaning on friends and family, a spiritual practice, or whatever works best for you, as well as self-care such as meditation, journaling, and moving your body.
Watson says that many of her clients eventually adapt well after experiencing a divorce and go on to build a new life for themselves. Some decide to stay happily single, while others remarry and remain in healthy and happy marriages.
“Five years after my divorce, I met my current husband and we married two years later,” says Washington. “I am incredibly happy and I am still very close with my ex-husband, who has not yet remarried but is in a relationship. But I had to get to a place where I was ready to receive love. My counselor really helped with that. My family and friends were amazing systems of support for me.”
Franklin agrees with Washington and says the key to healing after a divorce is surrounding yourself with a strong support system and engaging in activities that bring you joy. The most important thing to remember is that there is life after divorce.
