When a marriage takes a sharp left turn and ends in divorce, it can cause significant heartbreak, devastation, and loneliness for everyone involved. If this sounds familiar to your own situation, don’t lose hope. According to mental health experts and people who have experienced divorce, there are positive ways to cope with the loneliness and sadness caused by a breakup and heal your wounded heart.
When we marry, we hope our union will provide happiness, support, partnership, and love, and research shows most people feel optimistic about tying the knot. No wonder prolonged sadness after a divorce is not only common but expected, and comes with good reason, experts say.
“It’s important to remember that feelings of grief frequently felt leading up to, during, and after a divorce are very similar to what a person may feel after the death of a loved one,” explains Janelle Watson, LMFT, a Los Angeles area–based therapist and owner of Embrace Wellness.
How a Divorce Can Cause Grief
Experiencing sadness is common while navigating a divorce; for some people, these feelings may linger even years after the divorce is finalized. In fact, experiencing feelings of sadness anywhere from weeks to several years after the divorce is not unheard of, Watson says.
This has been the case for Patrick Harris, a 43-year-old native of Las Vegas, Nevada, who divorced his partner in 2021 after being married for seven years. “Although I know getting a divorce was the best decision, and I am much happier than I was before the divorce, I still sometimes struggle with sadness,” he tells DailyOM.
Some of the more common reasons people feel sadness, also known as divorce grief, during and after a divorce include:
- Feeling rejected or abandoned
- Feeling insecure or uncertain about the future
- Loss of identity as a spouse
- The overall loss of a person and the partnership with that person
- Feelings of failure
This also explains why a person going through a divorce may be heartbroken even if they wanted the divorce. “At the end of the day, loss is loss. And loss often comes with grief and sadness,” says Watson.
“Don’t rush the healing process. Allow yourself time to grieve, which will look different for each person. Keep in mind that this is a normal and healthy part of the process, and give yourself time to heal.”
There’s sorrow that comes with letting go of the hope for the marriage to work, and the dreams and goals you and your partner built over the years. There’s also the impact your divorce has on your day-to-day life. Watson points out that many times a split means you’re “divorcing” your partner’s family and sometimes even mutual friend groups.
“[It was] extremely difficult in the beginning. I missed my wife like crazy. But what made things worse was knowing that my relationship with her family would change,” Harris says. “I love her parents and knew we would likely not be as close after the divorce. Also, I felt bad because some of our mutual friends said they felt they had to choose between me and my ex-wife. It was all just really hard.”
Having children involved can also raise the stakes in a divorce. There’s confusion on how to properly communicate with them about what’s happening, and how best to comfort them while they’re adjusting to the new normal — all while tending to your own raw feelings.
Guilt over how your divorce may affect your children can also deepen feelings of sadness and cause additional grief and stress, says Angela Neal-Barnett, PhD, a professor of psychology and the director of the Program for Research on Anxiety Disorders Among African Americans at Kent State University in Ohio.
“Some of my clients have felt guilty because they were unable to make the marriage work and fear that their children will suffer emotionally from the significant shift in the household. In many cases, this guilt only makes the feelings they are already experiencing as a result of the divorce that much worse,” Neal-Barnett tells DailyOM.
Interested in learning more? Check out Transitioning Through Divorce: Grieving the Loss of Marriage
Why Divorce Can Trigger Feelings of Loneliness
Like sadness, feelings of loneliness come with the territory of divorce. Because many married couples build their lives around their partner, when a marriage dissolves, people are left feeling incomplete and yearning for the companionship they once had.
“Most married couples live very much enmeshed, which can make divorce all the more difficult, not only on a practical level in terms of splitting assets, custody, and so forth, but also in terms of being accustomed to having a thinking partner to problem-solve challenges with and bounce ideas off of,” Watson explains. “The idea of not being married is terrifying to some people. I have worked with married couples who have stayed in unhappy marriages just because one or both did not want to go to bed alone at night.”
That said, loneliness is a natural reaction to a divorce and a way to cope with the significant changes, Watson says. Because many married couples spend a lot of time together and share so much of themselves, any significant change to that dynamic can cause emotional and mental trauma.
In fact, an article published in March 2023 in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health found that loss of attachment and perceiving a lack of social support, as well as conflicts between ex-partners, can cause some divorced people to experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder when having these thoughts. If you’re having PTSD symptoms due to your marriage’s end, speak with your doctor or a licensed therapist for mental health support.
How to Cope With Loneliness and Sadness After Divorce
Fortunately, there are active steps that you can take to cope with painful feelings during and immediately after a divorce, Watson says. Speaking with a therapist who specializes in divorce can also help you better adjust to this big life transition.
1. Allow yourself time to mourn
Watson recommends allowing yourself time to feel and to move past loneliness. “Don’t rush the healing process. Allow yourself time to grieve, which will look different for each person. Don’t compare yourself with others. Keep in mind that this is a normal and healthy part of the process, and give yourself time to heal.”
It’s also not uncommon for divorced couples with shared custody to experience loneliness when their children are with the other parent, Neal-Barnett says. This may be especially true during the holidays. When this happens, she encourages you to remain kind to yourself and understand that it’s natural to miss your children when they’re with your ex-partner and to miss your former life. There will be good days and bad days.
“Healing after a divorce is not a linear process,” says Neal-Barnett. “You may have weeks when you feel great and then wake up one morning or run across a picture that triggers loneliness and sadness.”
2. Stay positive
While in the throes of your grief, it may feel like the world is crashing down around you, but remember, it’s possible to build a thriving and happy life after a divorce. Feelings of sadness and loneliness after a divorce should subside over time and you will begin to find your footing again so that you’re able to move on.
Don’t expect to wake up feeling completely unscathed overnight, Watson adds. Instead, you can anticipate a slow shift in your mood that gradually improves.
3. Practice self-love
Harris says that being kind to himself during his divorce was instrumental in getting through his most difficult times.
“After about two months [after my divorce], I always felt depressed and knew I was in an awful place. I noticed I would feel worse when I would say negative things about myself. That’s when I started practicing positive self-affirmations and meditation. I had to come to a point where I accepted the divorce and learned to love myself despite it.”
4. Focus on things that bring you joy
Being kind to yourself also includes intentional efforts to make time for self-care. For Harris, that included seeing a counselor and practicing yoga and meditation, but self-care looks different for everyone. The most important thing is that it brings you joy — for example, regular exercise, picking up a new or old hobby, or going out with friends.
Also important? Setting boundaries, Neal-Barnett says. Setting boundaries involves prioritizing your happiness in a healthy and productive way, and it can be one of the best things a person can do as part of their self-care. Practice saying no to things that aren’t in your best interest, and avoid engaging in triggering, negative, or upsetting conversations. Make sure that your family and friends respect those boundaries as well, Neal-Barnett says.
5. Don’t do it all alone
According to Watson, it’s not uncommon for people to feel ashamed of their divorce, which can prevent them from asking their family and friends for help.
“If you are fortunate enough to have people in your life who you love and trust, ask them for support when you need it,” encourages Watson. Ask for a shoulder to cry on, or for help with childcare or housing.
Watson also says some people find it extremely helpful to join an online or in-person divorce support group. Sometimes talking to other people who are going through a similar experience can make all the difference. “Whatever you do, don’t try to carry the weight of a divorce alone,” she stresses.
6. Take social media breaks
Social media can be a double-edged sword. Although social media can help people stay connected, numerous studies have found that it can also heighten feelings of loneliness. This is especially true for people who are feeling unmoored. A January 2023 study published in the journal Health Psychology and Behavioral Medicine found that being on social media made people who are already lonely feel even lonelier.
It’s easy to fall into a comparison trap on Facebook or Instagram, making your feelings of loneliness even more raw — like seeing your newly engaged coworker posting photos of their ring or your cousin’s celebratory video about their 15th wedding anniversary. If you notice that social media is a negative trigger, step away from it for a bit to allow yourself time and space to heal, suggests Watson.
7. Consider talking to a professional
Sorrow and loneliness are temporary in most cases, but sadness can spiral into depression, Watson explains.
“Seeking therapy is an additional form of support and is also an act of self-care regardless [of whether] you were or weren’t the person who initiated the divorce,” she says. “Because, in most cases, divorce requires a dramatic lifestyle change, even people who wanted a divorce can significantly benefit from speaking with a mental health professional.”
