The term “sadfishing” has gained traction across social media as a way to describe the act of posting about personal struggles online to seek (or “fish” for) attention and sympathy. While the term itself has a negative connotation, these days it’s only natural to seek support through our digital networks and communities.
Everyone with a social media account has likely experienced some version of this scenario: You’re mindlessly scrolling when a person’s post stops you in your tracks. They’ve shared feelings of anxiety, depression, loneliness, or hopelessness. What they say online makes your heart sink — and leaves you feeling concerned for their mental health and overall well-being. For example, someone you follow posts a picture of themselves crying with the caption “There’s nothing to look forward to anymore” or “Life is hopeless.” You want to help because you’re a human who cares about other humans, but you don’t know how to help … or if you even have the capacity to do so.
We spoke to Kate Cummins, PsyD, and Manmeet Rattu, PsyD (aka “Dr. Mini”), two California-based licensed clinical psychologists, to find out why people sadfish, how and when to show up for the person who’s sadfishing, and effective ways through which individuals can create space for their emotions and ask for support.
The Benefits of Sharing Your Feelings Online
When was the last time you felt the need for attention, support, or validation? We’ve all been there, regardless of our age, gender, socioeconomic status, or cultural background. Dr. Rattu reminds us, “It’s okay and completely normal to have a need to feel seen, to feel heard, and to feel like you matter.”
At its best, social media can serve as a platform for community and connection, and posting can be a way to communicate some of our needs in relation to others. “With the epidemic of loneliness at its all-time high, sadfishing may be an accessible way for a person to connect with others and experience love and support,” Rattu says.
Dr. Cummins adds, “The behavior of posting by writing down feelings, committing to commenting on a social media platform, and choosing to recognize something out loud can be an adaptive coping strategy, especially if someone is more avoidant of issues and experiences. For some people, acknowledging pain is hard, so if someone like this chooses to use sadfishing as a way to cope, it may be a positive choice.”
Interested in learning more? Check out How to Communicate Like a Buddhist.
The Downside of Sadfishing
First of all, it’s important to note that sharing sad news (for example, your neighbor posts that their beloved grandparent died) is not necessarily sadfishing. After all, many of us use our social media networks to pass on information and news, both good and bad, about our lives and to stay connected to each other.
However, Cummins says, if someone posts constantly and over a longer period of time, their sharing of their personal struggles moves from a life update into a space of needed social engagement. That may be when the person is using social media for sadfishing. She explains that people tend to sadfish “when they’re feeling overwhelmed by emotions or are emotionally dysregulated, and need external resources to help facilitate a more balanced emotional state.”
“It’s okay and completely normal to have a need to feel seen, to feel heard, and to feel like you matter.”
While turning to social media feels accessible and immediate, Cummins adds that “it can be a challenging or maladaptive coping behavior to choose sadfishing as a strategy to engage with others because the response is not controllable, and the information the person receives may not give them the support they’re looking for.” For example, a friend may offer you some generic toxic positivity rather than a warm, nurturing comment or your family member may not respond at all. Even if it’s because they’re unsure of what to say, you may feel hurt by their silence or unhelpful “advice.”
Why Taking a Pause Before You Post May Be Helpful
While Cummins says that social media can be a beautiful way to connect, she cautions us to make sure that what we’re sharing isn’t anything we’ll regret (especially considering how many people are likely to see what we’ve posted!). So by taking a step back to evaluate our feelings before we post, we’ll be more empowered to share only what we choose to publicly. “With a little behavioral activation, your emotions will regulate, and then a post on social media may no longer feel like a necessity in the moment,” she explains.
If you notice that you’re feeling isolated or lonely, try to expand your social networks beyond your Instagram or Facebook feed, if that’s possible. Rattu says that creating a structured support system can be a great way to meet the need for acceptance, belonging, and intimacy, and to build social engagement in a safe manner.
Here are a few ways to start building a support system that is there for you:
- Join local and online communities who share similar interests (e.g., fitness, yoga, hiking, art, hobbies).
- Take a weekly scheduled class for an activity you enjoy or want to learn more about (such a book group at the library or a dance class).
- Set up a regular time to meet with up with a friend or family member, or make time to call them if they don’t live nearby.
- Seek out a support group online or find one through a house of worship or at your local hospital, senior center, or community center.
- Volunteer for a cause that is meaningful to you.
- Find an online therapy group (Cummins suggests searching for one via the National Alliance on Mental Illness).
- Talk to a qualified mental health professional.
Self-Care Techniques for Emotional Regulation
Building connections with others is important, as is building the skills to be your own support system through emotion regulation, which is how you cope with changes, situations, and challenges in your life. “Having personal practices to develop more insight, practice self-compassion, and improve one’s relationship to oneself is extremely valuable when it comes to our perception and experiences of having needs met or unmet,” Rattu says.
Some suggestions for self-care:
- Practice self-havening techniques.
- Try tapping meditation.
- Put your face in a bowl of ice water or rub an ice cube on your wrist.
- Do box breathing.
- Listen to music and move your body.
- Go for a walk (in nature, if that’s available to you, and if not, still go for a walk). Bonus points for walking barefoot!
- Journal.
- Meditate.
- Meet up with a friend (or call them if they’re not available to meet).
- Read a book or magazine (preferably not on your phone).
- Listen to the We Can Do Hard Things podcast.
- Sit down with a cup of coffee or tea, and think about things you’re grateful for — even if it’s as seemingly inconsequential as the ladybug that landed on your shoe this morning.
- Go to a yoga, breathwork, sound bath, or meditation class.
In addition to practicing self-compassion and self-care, as well as nervous system regulation techniques like havening, meditation, and journaling, “seeking professional help for things one may be sadfishing about is a very healthy choice,” says Cummins. “Individual therapy and group therapy (in person and online) can help give someone adaptive coping skills that can regulate one’s needs, provide support in a way that friends and family perhaps can’t, and give the person an outlet to be heard.”
What Can You Do to Support a Friend Who Is Engaging in Sadfishing Online?
Step one: Check in with yourself first to see if you have the energy and capacity to listen and offer support. Or maybe there are certain boundaries you need to set for yourself before engaging with the person who is sadfishing.
For example, you can say, “I can’t be there for you at this very moment, but I’d love to meet up for coffee sometime this week or chat on the phone this evening to hear what you’re going through and offer support.” This is a good way to practice compassion and healthy boundaries.
If the answer to “Do I have the capacity to offer support right now?” is a yes, Rattu says that sending a private message or calling the person on the phone is a great way to create intimate connection in a confidential space. “Tell your friend you saw their recent post and let them know how you received it. You can start with ‘I saw your post and became concerned. Do you want to talk about it?’ Inviting them to connect with you, rather than demanding an answer, would likely produce the best outcome for creating a supportive dialogue,” says Rattu.
Cummins offers this additional approach: “Offer some words of encouragement, or give the person some positive traits and characteristic feedback about who they are as an individual. This can help support the friend by giving them individualized affirmations that are tailored to the beautiful pieces of who they are rather than the actual experience they are going through. This will hopefully remind the person of all of the strengths they possess outside of the tough times or the emotionally challenging time they are sadfishing about.”
By offering them affirmations, you’re empowering them to practice self-love and compassion. Hopefully, your encouragement will help them move through this difficult time and shift their mindset toward more optimistic and self-supportive thoughts.
“Caring about someone by verbally extending a few kind words is always a good thing to do! Even if someone is sadfishing, they are posting in this nature as a need for social interaction and engagement, so if you feel like you want to comment in a positive way, it’s more than okay to do so,” Cummins says. Although it’s hard to tell whether someone is just seeking attention online or is in serious distress, the best way to approach posts like this is to act with empathy.
If you feel like a person is threatening to end their life or do real harm, it’s important to seek help. In these instances, Cummins stresses you should always err on the side of caution. “In addition to reaching out to the person directly, consider notifying a person’s immediate network of friends and family who may have access to the person, or calling local authorities.”
The Bottom Line
It’s normal and natural and can be healthy and validating to share your truth. Getting support from others online can be a meaningful way to connect and feel better when you’re going through a rough time. If, however, you find yourself feeling less than supported through your online networks alone, you may find that boosting your in-person connections and self-care practices can more fully meet your needs.
