Whether you’ve tied the knot or cohabitated for a long time, it’s not uncommon for couples to hit a point when their bedroom activities start to feel a bit routine — or even nonexistent. While discussions about sex can be sensitive, addressing the ebb in intimacy is the key to making sure your romantic connection lasts for years to come.
We’ve all heard the jokes — you know, the ones that poke fun at married couples who seemingly stop having sex the minute they say, “I do.” While this is certainly not a universal truth, there are myriad reasons a couple might hit the brakes in the bedroom. Despite the idealized portrayals in television or movies suggesting we should be getting hot and heavy with our partners all the time, the reality is that life often intervenes. Whether raising children has disrupted your routine or you’re experiencing a naturally lower libido thanks to aging, confronting these challenges head-on is the first step toward reviving the passion.
Keep reading to learn the common reasons people stop having sex — and ways to get over the slump together.
Do Married People Really Stop Having Sex? Here’s What the Data Says
According to Shannon Chavez, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist, married couples often go through ebbs and flows when it comes to sexual frequency.
“The variables in couples’ sexual frequency tend to be conflict in the relationship, child rearing, sexual boredom, stress, health issues, or coping with infidelity,” she explains.
If you’re experiencing an ebb in intimacy, you’re not alone. A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior in March 2017 found that a little over 15 percent of heterosexual married individuals hadn’t had sex the previous year, and 13.5 percent hadn’t had done the deed for five years.
“There is no norm to how many times a day or week you should have sex. It’s important to connect without the pressure to have sex or meet a quota.”
Plus, research published in May 2019 in the Journals of Gerontology showed that 40 percent of married adults age 57 to 85 hadn’t had sex the previous year, underscoring a trend of decreased sexual activity with age. It’s worth noting that these figures might be even higher, since many people are reluctant to openly discuss matters of sex and intimacy in their relationships.
Even if couples aren’t engaging in penetrative intercourse, however, physical intimacy and connection come in various forms. They can still foster intimacy through kissing, touching, and other forms of physical and emotional closeness.
Interested in learning more? Check out Sacred Sexuality: Open the Energy of Intimacy.
Is It Normal for Married Couples to Stop Having Sex?
While there’s no set stage or age when couples stop getting it on, it’s not uncommon for them to become sexless after the first one or two years of a committed relationship, according to Dr. Chavez.
Over time, sexless marriages can even become normalized for couples, especially if there’s resistance on either side to discuss their sexual desires and needs in the relationship. Some married couples might also be internalizing the idea that married folks stop having sex and start to reinforce it without realizing it. “Many couples may believe that being sexless is a normal trajectory after marriage,” explains Chavez. “Negative beliefs about sex and marriage influence motivation and desire for sex.”
At the same time, sex isn’t something you want to quantify or measure in a relationship. “Quantifying sex leads to expectations and focusing on a number of times versus quality experiences that count for more,” says Chavez. “There is no norm to how many times a day or week you should have sex. It’s important to connect without the pressure to have sex or meet a quota.” It’s also important not to limit your definition of sex purely to performative goals, such as penetration or orgasms.
Why Do Married Couples Stop Having Sex?
The list of reasons that couples in long-term relationships may hit a slowdown in intimacy is long and diverse. Milestones such as moving in together, tying the knot, or welcoming little ones into the world can impact your bedroom vibes. Or you might experience health curveballs that affect your mood and physiology, like erectile dysfunction, postpartum hormonal shifts, or menopause, which can easily throw a wrench into your sex life.
According to Chavez, some of the most common reasons include the following:
- Challenges in the relationship around values, finances, kids, and careers can breed resentment, power struggles, and unresolved conflicts.
- Sex is fundamentally about connection, so when needs in other aspects of the relationship go unmet, particularly around emotional support and feeling valued as a partner, it can hinder the motivation for intimacy.
- Communication regarding sex often spirals into fights or arguments, with couples finding it difficult to broach the delicate subject without criticism or judgment.
- Instances of infidelity, whether sexual or emotional affairs, add another layer of complexity.
- Sexual boredom can set in when couples cease exploring and expanding their sexual interests and desires.
- Navigating life transitions and coping with stress from physical and mental health concerns, body image issues, and/or the natural process of aging can present additional hurdles.
How Long Is Too Long Without Sex in a Marriage?
Determining how long is “too long” without intimacy in a marriage is a subjective matter that varies for each couple, since factors like personal preferences, health, and external circumstances can matter.
“The most important factor in getting over the slump is for both partners to be willing to take on the responsibility of working toward improvement and open communication along the way,” says Chavez.
While a lack of sex can be a symptom of other issues in the relationship, Chavez says it’s important when assessing bedroom concerns that you’re able to take into consideration all the factors that impact you both. At the end of the day, there’s no universal rule for how much intimacy is right — it’s about what feels satisfying for you and your partner.
However, if there’s a disparity in desire — for instance, your partner seeks increased intimacy while you lack the same inclination — avoid blaming or shaming them for their honesty. According to Chavez, it’s normal to have different levels of desire. “Find out what your partner is asking for when communicating a desire for more intimacy,” she advises. “Validate them, be curious about desires around intimacy, and find a way to connect that can be mutually enjoyable and pleasurable for [you] both.”
How to Enhance Your Sex Life Together
Rekindling the spark in your relationship requires a thoughtful approach that goes beyond the bedroom. Of course, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution for breaking you and your partner out of a sexual rut, but there are numerous approaches you can explore to find what suits you best.
- For starters, bring up the conversation outside of the bedroom. “Most conversations about sex happen right before or after,” says Chavez. “Make it a priority to talk about sex regularly so that it’s a comfortable, casual part of communication. Start by stating the obvious, such as ‘It’s been a while since we’ve talked about it, but it’s important to our relationship, so here are several ways I’d want to explore sexual connection together.’”
- A great way to bring back the sizzle? “Start with prioritizing mutually rewarding experiences that are pleasurable for both partners,” says Chavez. That could mean kissing, massages, gazing into each other’s eyes ... the list goes on. “Couples are often told and taught how to be sexual and it feels constraining and like an obligation,” says Chavez. “Think outside the box and broaden your definition of sex so that it focuses on pleasure and connection, which is the real goal!” Looking at sex from your partner’s perspective and working to understand them and their needs (and vice versa!) is a surefire path to fireworks in the bedroom.
- “Set realistic expectations around pleasure and sex,” recommends Chavez. Whether that’s determining the frequency of intimacy that works for both partners or recognizing that desires may change over time, it’s essential to strike a balance that meets everyone’s needs.
- Create a safe space for the two of you to engage in open, nonjudgmental discussions. “Spend time exploring your values and beliefs around sex so that you can build sexual empathy and improve communication around intimacy,” advises Chavez. The more self-aware you are about how your upbringing, background, and personal experiences have shaped your views on intimacy, the better you can provide insight into your own desires, boundaries, and expectations.
- Scheduling time for sex doesn’t sound very, well, sexy. But making time on your busy calendar for bedroom activities means you’re actually prioritizing sex — which is a good thing. Chavez suggests just making sure that this time is uninterrupted and mindful without distractions.
- Do your best to make intimacy — not necessarily sex — a daily habit. Think: date nights; physical activities and challenges such as dancing, hiking, and escape rooms; decorating your home or building something together; and any other adventure that encourages play. “Movement helps with boosting libido,” Chavez says. “Connecting in a physical way that can evoke positive emotions can lead to improvement in sexual intimacy.”
- Put away the remote control and smartphones! Perhaps the appeal of “Netflix and chill” has skewed more toward the “Netflix” side, and you and your partner have slipped into a routine of binge-watching shows instead of getting busy in the bedroom. “Cut out bad habits that get in the way of pleasure,” says Chavez. That means minimizing electronic usage.
Prioritizing intimacy is an investment in the overall health of your relationship. As long as you can figure out a solution together, you’ll not only reignite the passion, but also strengthen your emotional bond with your partner.
