It’s no secret that there’s a loneliness epidemic happening in the United States and throughout the world. According to a 2023 U.S. Surgeon General Advisory, half of Americans are lonely — yet it’s not something many of us talk about.
Loneliness particularly affects people going through big life changes, according to Simone Heng, a human connection specialist and DailyOM course creator. “Maybe you’re about to face an empty nest, or you could be moving to a new city and losing your friendship group,” she says. “When my mother, who had a hoarding disorder, had to go into a care facility, I was tasked with cleaning the hoard for about six months, full time. I became very, very isolated. I had never felt loneliness like that.”
For many of us, loneliness isn’t merely a fleeting feeling, but rather an emotional state that affects our well-being on a deep level, Heng says. “I was someone who identified as being cognitively strong and confident, and suddenly felt socially awkward and didn’t want to accept social invitations. The inner thoughts I was experiencing were quite shocking to me.”
Many scientific studies have found a correlation between chronic loneliness and common mental, emotional, and physical health concerns. Read on to learn more about what loneliness actually is, and how it may impact your well-being in the short and long term if you don’t find the connection you need.
Interested in learning more? Check out Quitting Self-Created Loneliness
Meet Your Teacher: Simone Heng
An international broadcaster turned human connection specialist, Simone Heng is the author of Let’s Talk About Loneliness and a highly sought-after global speaker.
“I got into the human connection field for three major reasons,” she says. “I was finding my traditional media career increasingly toxic and my workplace very disconnected. At the same time, my mother, who was diagnosed with a very rare degenerative disease, was having issues connecting with herself. Lastly, I was struck with the realization that the media had taught me to communicate, but not to connect.”
Now, Heng travels the world to educate others on the human connection tools to heal loneliness, often drawing on her own experiences with feeling lonely.
What Is a Loneliness State?
According to Heng, “Loneliness is the gap between the type and amount of human connection you desire and the type and amount of human connection you’re getting.”
It’s important to note that loneliness is based upon perception, she adds. “You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely if those connections are not satisfying your desired amount or quality of connection.”
The loneliness state occurs when we feel lonely for a period of time — and it involuntarily leads to changes in our brain, or what Heng refers to as the “lonely brain.”
“Loneliness actually sets off a fight-or-flight response,” she explains. “On the incidental level, it’s not bad, but now with the loneliness epidemic, people are looping [or existing] in that loneliness over and over again, and that’s where you start to see damaging effects on a physical, mental, and emotional level.”
Helpful Things to Know About Loneliness
- Loneliness is a universal human experience. Most individuals experience periods of feeling lonely during their lives — and that’s why some industries are attempting to address it. For example, “this is why there are so many tech startups creating apps attempting to solve the loneliness epidemic, because they know it’s a unicorn-size problem,” Heng points out.
- It’s on the rise. “One in three Americans don’t feel they have someone that they can confide in,” Heng says. Some experts point to the isolation during the Covid-19 pandemic, while some research has linked it to the surge in popularity of social media. Bottom line: Increased isolation via decreased connection will only cause an uptick in loneliness.
- People all around the world are being affected by it. “We’re seeing a minister for loneliness in the U.K. and in Japan, and the Korean government is currently paying Korean young people to leave the house,” she says. “So it’s a global issue that has to do with conditions of modern life. We’re living in a more siloed way.”
- Loneliness can spiral. “Like a cold, the lonely brain can spiral. You just get more and more hypervigilant,” Heng explains. In other words, the longer you live in this stress-oriented, fight-or-flight response, the more it may worsen, causing a domino effect of other health concerns.
- It’s different from solitude. “Solitude is self-chosen and it’s healthy for us,” Heng says. “The problem is when an individual is lonely, they will often call their loneliness ‘solitude’ as if it’s a choice, but it’s the lonely brain that is telling them to self-isolate.”
How Does Loneliness Affect Our Well-Being?
Research has proven time and time again that human connection is a biological need for surviving and thriving in the world. It’s literally wired into our brains — and why we used to exist in tribal societies.
When these needs aren’t met and we move into a state of loneliness, every aspect of our well-being — our physical, mental, and emotional health — is at stake.
To make matters worse, the lonely state is difficult to recognize and release, Heng tells us.
“That’s because the lonely brain sabotages itself. Just at the time that you really need connection, it will give you all the signs not to connect with others. Just when you need to make friends because you’re lonely, you become more socially awkward, you become more cognitively slow, you become more touchy and irritable toward your friends. And it’s sort of a self-created loneliness, but it’s not conscious. The brain is actually driving it,” she explains.
7 Ways Loneliness May Impact Your Physical, Mental, and Emotional Health
The lonely brain isn’t something that you can control — and it’s something that can get out of hand pretty quickly. “When this lonely spiral happens, it’s because of increasing amounts of stress hormones in the body,” Heng explains.
Those stress hormones can affect your mind and body in the following ways.
1. You Become Socially Awkward and Self-Isolating
“The lonely brain can cause irritability toward good friends, the misreading of social cues, social awkwardness, and a yearning to be around people but wanting to retreat the minute a social invitation is extended,” Heng shares. And the longer you’re in a lonely state, the more these things are amplified.
What’s more, the lonely brain makes us think irrationally, Heng adds. “So we’ll do things like hold our friends to a higher standard than is necessary. [For example,] say your friend has to cancel plans because they’re sick. The lonely brain will be paranoid and tell you that they’re not a good friend or that they hate you and that’s why they’re canceling,” she says.
2. It Can Provoke Feelings of Anxiety and Depression
“Loneliness is the petri dish for depression and anxiety,” Heng says.
A study involving adults age 50 and higher concluded that loneliness caused depression — and not the other way around.
And the worst cases of loneliness — extreme isolation — are accompanied by feelings of hopelessness. “For example, I did an email blast about my book and someone replied, saying, ‘Simone, please remove me from this email list. I’m a lost cause. I’m 50 years old, all alone, and nothing and no book will ever help me.’”
3. It Impairs Mental Cognition and Sleep Quality
When loneliness kicks in, we experience a decline in our cognitive abilities — in our ability to concentrate and problem-solve, Heng says.
In fact, research found that lonelier people were 24 percent more likely to feel tired and have difficulty concentrating during the day.
And according to another study, people who perceived being lonely experienced significantly higher levels of fragmented and restless sleep.
4. It Can Negatively Impact Your Physical Health and Longevity
Loneliness is more dangerous than smoking 15 cigarettes a day, having an alcohol use disorder, or having obesity, Heng says. And indeed, the U.S. Surgeon General’s 2023 report noted similar mortality rates between feeling lonely and these other inhibiting lifestyle factors.
“The reason it shortens our lifespan is because, firstly, it damages our immunity to have these hormones cycling through our body when we’re chronically lonely,” she explains. “This is why people who are socially connected will live longer than those people who don’t have strong social connections.”
And it’s not just longevity that’s at risk. Recent research found that loneliness increased cancer risk in middle-age men. Another study links loneliness with higher rates of heart failure.
5. It Can Cause Unwanted Weight Gain
Research found that women who are lonely have more cravings for sweeter foods. “And if you’re chronically lonely, you’re going to be eating badly for extended periods of time, which is, again, going to damage your health,” Heng says.
6. It Can Induce Anger and Rage
In addition to making people feel hopeless, loneliness can sometimes provoke a deep feeling of anger and aggression.
Heng experienced this firsthand while launching her book on loneliness. “I had created a quiz about the five types of human connection for a social media campaign. In this campaign, we targeted people who followed my publisher, who had recently moved cities, or maybe recently split up. The comments we received were shocking. And what I wasn’t prepared for was how angry the women were. I think there is always anger at the thought of being rejected from any [group],” she reasons.
7. It Can Make You Feel Worthless and Unlovable
“The self-loathing that I used to have for myself was awful,” Heng recalls. “Your brain tells you things like you’re unlovable and you’re unlikable. That’s just how the lonely brain operates.”
The Bottom Line
When we feel lonely for an extended period of time, our brain chemistry changes, inciting a ripple of unfortunate effects in our body and mind. But even if you might feel hopeless, Heng says there is always hope.
The key is putting one foot in front of the other and leading with a growth-forward, open mindset. Change is possible, she says. And it’s never too late to learn new tools that help break the loneliness cycle and empower you to feel more connected, so you can live your best, healthiest life.
