“When you have kids, you’ll understand.”
Whenever I heard that phrase growing up, I’d silently wince at the thought of having children. But a story my mom told helped quell my rising anxiety. She said she never wanted kids, and then one day, poof! All of a sudden, she was ready. She made it seem effortless, like that switch happens to everyone.
Throughout my 20s, I waited for my “poof” moment, but I turned 30 and no “poof” had occurred. My boyfriend of three years wanted kids, and I’d compromise by saying I’d have one child. I figured I would grow into the idea, or that one day the thought of motherhood would miraculously feel right for me, just as it did with my mother.
But instead, that unsettling feeling that I was still unsure about having kids grew. I wondered why I didn’t fit into what I was “supposed” to be doing at my age. As a result, I tried harder to come around to the idea. It wasn’t until I allowed myself to really consider the option of not having kids that my poof occurred and I finally realized: I never wanted children of my own.
I had been holding on to the hope that I would get over it, whatever “it” was, so I could fit into what my boyfriend needed, my family wanted, and society expected.
Are More People Childfree?
Like me, you probably heard the “when you have kids” phrase numerous times while growing up — implying that kids are a necessity, not a choice. To be fair, we’re genetically programmed to procreate for survival. However, in more recent years, a shift has taken place, with more people opting for childfree living.
A study from Pew Research Center states that in 2010, the number of women who were childfree by choice was 50 percent more than in the 1970s. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), U.S. birth rates dropped 4 percent in 2020, though there was an increase in 2021. And a July 2022 study from Scientific Reports found that one in five childfree adults under the age of 50 don’t plan to have kids.
Read on to learn why this decline is happening, where the pressure to have children comes from, and how to navigate this tough choice if you find yourself uncertain about whether or not to have a baby.
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Why the Increase in Childfree by Choice?
Carla Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Sonoma County, California, speculates that the exponential increase in childfree adults could be due to financial worries. “The financial cost of raising children in today’s world leaves many people feeling as if they have to choose between having a quality lifestyle and a life with children,” she tells DailyOM.
And it’s true that the cost of childcare is astronomically high. The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) determined that raising one child from birth until 17 years of age costs more than $233,000. Factor in college tuition and you’re looking at over $250,000 minimum per child, and little in the way of government policies to support these costs (such as generous maternity and paternity leave polices for all, universal pre-K, affordable childcare costs, and more).
Finances certainly play a role in the decline we’re seeing, agrees Shoshanna Bennett, PhD, a California-based clinical psychologist, but she adds that the younger generation is also more open to taking a different path than their parents or grandparents did, and she finds people in their 20s and 30s to be more deliberate about their choices.
“My younger clients are carefully considering the pros and cons of bringing children into their lives,” says the expert, who spoke with DailyOM for this story. “When and if they do decide to have children, they seem to have made that determination consciously, rather than simply assuming that children should and will be conceived or adopted.”
External Pressures Impact a Personal, Individual Choice
The decision to have a child is a huge one — and should be approached with care. But unfortunately, outside pressures prevent people from having the space they need to consider their true hopes and fears. “If more people would take the time to clear their minds of the real and imagined pressures, others’ opinions, and what they feel society expects, there would be fewer children,” Bennett says.
The pressure comes from all fronts, says licensed family and marriage therapist Marley Howard, including cultural norms, religious traditions, and from our own families and friends. There are also loaded social stigmas around people — women in particular — who chose to remain childfree, such as that all women should want children, and childfree people are “selfish,” plus those constant reminders that a woman’s biological clock is ticking. Men may be told they need to have a baby to continue the family name.
Those who engage in self-reflection and decide not to have children are being mindful in ways that will benefit themselves and the world as a whole.
Manly says that in certain cultures “having children is a crucial component of adult life,” but that we shouldn’t make life choices — or pass judgment onto others — based on societal expectations. “It’s inappropriate to judge those who choose not to have children for whatever their reasons might be,” says Manly. “Those who engage in self-reflection and decide not to have children are being mindful in ways that will benefit themselves and the world as a whole.”
Pros and Cons to Being Childfree
If you’re still struggling over whether to have a baby, know that you are not alone. It is a very personal, very individual decision based on many factors.
Howard says some of the most common worries associated with having a baby that she hears are not being a good enough (or perfect) parent, the financial burden associated with children, the potential negative impact on careers, worries about not being able to conceive, concerns over a loss of freedom, and fear of uncontrollable events such as the health of a child. The state of the world and climate worries also factor in for some, according to a 2021 Pew Research study, as do health-related concerns and not having a partner to co-parent with.
Choosing a childfree future may mean you have more time to devote to your career and hobbies, as well as to your friends, family, and travel. It could also mean a life with less stress. According to a study from Frontiers in Public Health published in 2021, having children in the household more frequently during the pandemic increased women’s stress and anxiety levels. If you’re in a relationship, being childfree could mean you’ll have a potentially happier life as a couple. One UK study from the Open University found, out of 4,400 participants, that childless couples were happier with their life than couples with children.
As for people’s worries over opting for a childfree lifestyle, Howard says common concerns are living with the social stigma of not having children, fears about being lonely in old age, and missing out on the experience of being a parent. Only one in five American women are childless, which means that if you choose not to have a child, you will be in the minority in your peer group. Not wanting a child may impact your dating life. Older people without children may have less help as they age — approximately 4 in 10 older adults who are childless live alone, while only 2 in 10 older parents do.
Concern they may feel regret in the future is a big worry among the childless. However, Manly points out there are other ways to be a part of a child’s life, such as through coaching, teaching, mentoring, volunteering, and being the “cool” aunt or uncle to your sibling’s and friend’s kids. And it may be helpful to know that people who opt to be childfree don’t regret their decision when they get older, reports researchers from Michigan State University.
What to Do if One Partner Doesn’t Want a Baby?
If you’re part of a couple where one of you wants children and the other doesn’t, what do you do?
First, remember: This happens all the time. It happened to me, in fact. I had told my boyfriend from the beginning that I was “eh” about kids. But we continued to discuss the idea because, as I mentioned, my “poof” moment was right around the corner — I was sure!
So, while some may intentionally hide their feelings from their partner, others, like me, may not even be aware of their own feelings, until they accept the possibility that they may not want children.
Open and honest communication is essential for any relationship, which is why the experts advise raising this topic with your partner, whether you’ve landed on a decision yet or not. “Once honest sharing, listening, and then discussion happen, the anxieties frequently lighten or disappear altogether,” Bennett says. “Whenever partners push, bully, guilt-trip, or otherwise try to convince each other to move in a particular direction, it almost always leads to resentment that will backfire on their relationship.”
Bennett adds that feelings can change over time, which is why this conversation is important to have, sometimes multiple times, over the course of your relationship. Work together to accept each other’s emotions with open-mindedness and respect. And if you find that you can’t communicate effectively this way, then you should consider meeting with a therapist, alone or as a couple.
6 Methods to Help You Decide Whether to Have a Baby
If you’re uncertain about having children, here are a few things you can do to help you find your way.
1. Allow yourself to feel out all the options
Bennett offers a special meditation practice to help you do this. She suggests sitting in a quiet place and imagining all the opinions and pressures floating out of your mind and landing a few feet in front of you. “This will help you get the ‘chatter’ of everyone else cleared out,” she says.
Allow your mind to dance between both options. What would it feel like to be childfree? What would it feel like to have a baby? Relax into it. See what comes. The goal here is not to find an answer, but to allow yourself to feel both options.
If, at any point during your meditation, you feel that you’re receiving more “chatter,” continue to send it out of your space so it doesn’t interfere with your answers.
2. Journal about your feelings
It may sound cliché, but hey, it works. Manly offers a journal prompt to start with. “Allow yourself to nonjudgmentally consider what your future would look like with and without children,” she says. “Imagine your life 5, 10, 20, and 30 years down the road.” As you explore both of these paths, see what comes up for you.
3. Create a pros and cons list
Manly says that this process can help you get concrete with your options using your heart and your brain, without the outside pressure. Keep in mind that your pros and cons list will look different from everyone else’s — so write it just for you and your eyes only.
4. Consider therapy
“Consult a psychologist to help you dive into the issues in a wholehearted way,” says Manly. “As unbiased parties, psychologists can often bring light to issues that you might not consider on your own.” Working with a therapist can also help you communicate with your partner, parents, and others who are invested in your choice to or not to have a baby.
5. Understand that what’s best for you might look different from that of friends, family, and others you know
“Validate that whatever you choose is the best,” Bennett says. This helps you make a decision that’s right for you, and will allow you to feel good about your own path and also be happy and supportive for the people you care about who might be on an entirely different journey.
6. Give yourself time.
Manly says that the only way to make a decision like this is to actually allow yourself the time to understand it. “If you find yourself unsure about whether or not to have children, it’s wise to engage in mindful self-reflection to arrive at a decision that feels right,” she says.
The Takeaway
It’s important to take time and care with this huge life decision. Sometimes, with outside pressures — real and imagined — it’s hard to find space to make your own choice, free of the noise surrounding you. That’s why it’s on you to create personal space and boundaries using the above techniques, or something similar.
Ultimately, remember that having a child is, at its core, a choice. No matter how often family or society makes you feel that it isn’t, it is. There is no right or wrong answer; there is only the right decision for you.
