No matter what stage of motherhood you’re in, chances are you’re familiar with mom guilt: that sinking feeling of inadequacy, the anxiety that you’re not doing enough, the self-doubt that tallies all of your “mom fails” — ignoring the fact that you’ve just clocked in yet another 60-hour workweek.
Mom guilt can feel complicated and it can feel heavy. And it has become a norm of modern-day motherhood.
“In today’s society, pressures to be the perfect parent, social media comparisons, and societal beliefs that motherhood should be the primary focus have made mom guilt more prevalent,” Carolyn Rubenstein, PhD, a licensed psychologist based in Boca Raton, Florida, explains to DailyOM. “Not to mention, the pandemic has put an unprecedented level of stress on parents, which has only exacerbated these feelings of guilt and anxiety.”
If you struggle with mom guilt, you’re hardly alone. But it’s absolutely possible to keep that guilt in check. Read on for practical strategies on how to recognize mom guilt as productive versus unproductive, and how to keep it from sabotaging your enjoyment of motherhood.
What to Do About Mom Guilt
The first step in dealing with mom guilt is to recognize that it is a completely normal feeling, and not a sign you’re a bad mother. “Mom guilt is a common feeling that many mothers experience [but it] does not necessarily reflect reality. It's normal to have doubts about your parenting decisions. That doesn’t mean that you’re not doing a great job,” says Dr. Rubenstein.
The best way to counteract mom guilt? Identify whether the guilt is “productive” or “unproductive” guilt. This is a key step because not all mom guilt is necessarily bad. Rather, it could be a nudge that you need to re-evaluate priorities and perhaps say no to a few things, allowing more space in your schedule and more quality time with your family members.
Interested in learning more? Check out How to Parent Like A Buddhist
The Source of Mom Guilt
Mom guilt is usually less a reflection of your parenting and more a reflection of whatever challenge(s) you may be dealing with under the surface — physically, mentally, or emotionally.
For example, overcommitting your time and feeling stretched too thin can easily carry over into mom-guilt territory, especially for mothers who work full-time outside the home. The best way to address this is by taking a hard look at how you’re spending your time. But don’t just look at your calendar. Actually track each of your activities for one week (both the scheduled and unscheduled ones), suggests Jessica Turner, author of Stretched Too Thin: How Working Moms Can Lose the Guilt, Work Smarter, and Thrive.
“At the end of the week, evaluate the need-to-dos and the nice-to-dos. You will likely see some pockets of time that can be used differently to help with some of the overwhelm. If you have a partner, it is also important to talk with him or her about your mental load and work together to relieve some of the burden,” says Turner.
“Good” vs. “Bad” Mom Guilt and Knowing the Difference
Guess what? Feeling mom guilt because you’re stretched too thin is productive. It’s helping you recognize that something feels off in how you want to be living your life — and it’s guiding you toward discerning what needs to change.
“Productive guilt is actually useful. It’s an indication that we’re acting out of integrity and out of alignment with our values,” explains Michelle Grosser, a motherhood life coach and host of The Calm Mom podcast, to DailyOM. “Productive guilt calls us forward and calls us higher. So if we’re experiencing productive guilt, that means that we probably need to take action to get back into integrity and alignment. This might be an apology, extending ourselves forgiveness, or making some changes.”
On the other hand, “unproductive” guilt is usually a byproduct of unrealistic cultural expectations or a mother’s tendency to blame herself for every little thing that goes wrong. It may be a sign that you’re comparing yourself to other moms or that you’re trying a little too hard to be the “perfect” parent (even though — spoiler alert — nobody is).
“[Feelings of unproductive guilt aren’t signs of] moral failings that are going to make you a better human being or a better mom,” says Grosser. “We’ve got to learn to just let them go.”
So if you’re feeling like you’ve blown it because your kid didn’t get the bouncy house she wanted for her birthday party or because you sent store-bought cookies to the school bake sale, how can you tell whether it’s guilt that you should listen to or guilt you should just ignore?
“Get really curious and specific,” says Katelyn Denning, founder of the Mother Nurture life coach program for working moms. “Whether you have this inner dialogue in a journal or just inside your head while you’re washing the dishes or taking a walk, it’s about asking questions.”
Some helpful questions include:
- What do you feel guilty about?
- What are all of the things that feel like too much right now?
- Why do you do all of the things that you do (work, take care of the house, feed your family members)?
- Is [this guilt] true?
Another strategy to identify productive versus unproductive guilt is one Denning has used personally as a working mother of three children.
Make three lists:
- All the things I currently need to do
- All the things I currently want to do
- The things I’ve forgotten to do (or feel like I’m giving a half-hearted attempt at)
“You might think that seeing a list of that size would just add to the overwhelm, but actually, it helped me see things more clearly,” explains Denning. “It helped me see that some of these things do matter and I need to find a time and a way to get them done. But it also helped me see that I have a lot on my plate right now. Of course some balls were dropped! Of course not everything has been perfect! And it also helped me see that there were plenty of things that I was telling myself I ‘had’ to do but that I actually could wait on.”
Above all, recognizing mom guilt can be an opportunity to shift your perspective. Mom guilt doesn’t have to be labeled as negative or “wrong.” Instead, what if we looked at it as simply a natural feeling that we’re bound to experience at some point on the motherhood journey?
Remember that loving yourself is one of the best ways to love your children.
“Think of [mom guilt] like the nerves that you get before making a presentation to colleagues. Even the best presenters still get a little nervous before stepping up in front of the room. It’s normal. They don’t stop you from presenting. They just come along for the ride,” says Denning. “What if mom guilt was the same way? Something that’s completely normal and part of the process.”
Caring for Yourself Can Alleviate Guilt
Another area that can easily lead to mom guilt: overall exhaustion and neglecting self-care.
“I like to remind [a mom dealing with mom guilt] that she’s not doing anything wrong. That she’s not failing at motherhood because she feels guilty and tired. She’s probably just tired and that makes everything feel like a struggle,” says Denning.
So when you’re feeling overwhelmed with mom guilt, it’s worth taking inventory. What’s your self-care routine? Are you getting enough (if any) rest? Are you getting enough physical activity? Eating well? Building in time to care for your mental health and well-being? Have you hung out with your best friends or gone on a date with your partner recently?
“Nurturing both your physical and emotional well-being by getting enough sleep, eating healthy, exercising, and getting involved in activities that bring you joy is crucial,” says Rubenstein. “Remember that loving yourself is one of the best ways to love your children.”
If you’re a mom who feels pulled in a million directions, this is typically a sign that you may need better boundaries, particularly around your time and your bandwidth, says Grosser. “This might start with a practice of saying no more often. It might mean asking for help. It might be taking a look at your schedule and doing what you need to do to create more margin and white space so you’re able to be more intentional about resting and taking care of yourself.”
How Do I Deal With Mom Guilt About Going Back to Work?
For starters, expect it. Going back to work, especially after maternity leave, is one of the biggest triggers of mom guilt, notes Rubenstein. But keep in mind that going back to work is often harder on you than it is on your child.
“Those nagging feelings about hurting your baby’s development by leaving them to return to work are typical but untrue,” says Rubenstein. “Trust in your child’s caregiver and know that most children thrive and flourish even when [their] parents work full-time. Seeing you go back off to work and not hold off on your dreams will set an excellent example for your child to do the same.”
You’re likely going to feel a lot of conflicting emotions during this time … excited to be in control of your schedule and to interact with adults again; sad about dropping your child off at daycare and not being home full-time. It can feel like a roller coaster. If you can, connect with other working moms, especially at your workplace, to hear about their experiences.
“I remember returning to work after my first child and thinking that these other moms I saw at my work must not be feeling guilty for leaving their kids. But what I realized, thanks to the brave colleagues who were willing to be vulnerable with me, was that they all felt that twinge of guilt,” says Denning. “Sometimes [the guilt is] loud and overwhelming and sometimes it’s just a soft, quiet murmur in the back of our minds. But you can love your job and your child at the same time. The guilt is just a reminder that your heart is in two places — at home with your kid and at work with your career.”
Be honest about the challenging emotions you might be experiencing during this transition — especially with a trusted friend, spouse, or family member — and be kind to yourself, too.
“Having a partner who could speak truth to me about who I was as a mom when I was doubting myself made a big difference. Sometimes we need someone else to be our champion,” says Turner. “Recognize that [going back to work] is a challenging season and give yourself a lot of grace. But the great thing about seasons is that they don’t last forever.”
Also, do your best to stay present in whatever role you’re currently in.
When you’re at home with the kids, be fully in the moment. Maybe that means setting 6 p.m.–8 p.m. as a designated “no phone or email checking” time so they’ll have your full attention when they’re telling you about their day. Likewise, when you’re at work, give work your full focus. The perfect work/life balance may never be fully attainable, but it becomes even more off kilter when your mind isn’t attuned to the task or the people right in front of you.
“Work-life balance breaks down when your mind is somewhere other than where it’s supposed to be — when you’re playing on the floor but thinking about the email you forgot to send, or when you’re in a meeting but thinking about the diapers you need to order before they run out,” says Denning. “Write those things down so you don’t forget, but then be where you are — both physically and mentally. It’s the best advice I have for feeling like you have any sort of balance.”
Another positive about going back to work: It’s an opportunity for your children to form strong relationships with other trusted grown-ups in their lives. And it’s an opportunity for you and your family to rely on your “village”: grandparents, babysitters, teachers, and neighbors.
“It’s so important for [your children] to be loved by lots of people,” says Denning. So every time you can’t be there for bedtime or school pickup, remind yourself: When you step aside, you are strengthening the other important relationships in your children’s lives.”
How Do You Forgive Yourself for Parenting Mistakes?
Every parent makes mistakes. That’s part of being a parent and that’s part of being human. We are constantly learning. So when we feel shame for yelling at our kids, is that productive or unproductive mom guilt?
It’s productive mom guilt, says Grosser, “because losing our temper with our kids is not in alignment with how we want to parent. That guilt is simply calling us to be a better mom.”
In moments like this, it’s important to breathe. And then to own up to your mistake. Recognize the feelings of shame or guilt that accompany the mistake as a healthy sign that you want to handle similar situations differently in the future.
And then model the behavior that you would like your kids to show others. Apologize to your kids when you mess up. Ask forgiveness. And then ask yourself some questions: Is there something going on under the surface that caused you to lash out in anger? Are you getting enough sleep, enough exercise? Is work extra stressful?
“Far too often, my worst parenting moments happen as a result of something else — stress at work, feeling like we’re overscheduled, not taking care of myself by not getting enough sleep or time away,” says Denning. “And then I see if I can tend to those things while still owning my own mistakes. One of the best things we can teach our kids [by example] is to own up to their mistakes and admit when they could do better.”
Be honest with your kids about the feelings you might be experiencing, even if they’re too young to understand what “mom guilt” is.
If the guilt persists and feels overwhelming, it’s always best to talk to a therapist or a coach, suggests Rubenstein. Sometimes a challenging season of life requires someone with an objective perspective who can help us take a step back and give us a healthy reality check. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign you want to be the best mom you can be — without unproductive mom guilt getting in the way.
