It might sound tough to believe in a world abuzz with diet culture messaging, but there are actually no “good” or “bad” foods. Discover how to strip morality from food and find joy in every bite.
When I was 6 years old, in the middle of summer break, I’d giggle and skip my way to our neighborhood’s ice cream shop for a milkshake. (Vanilla ice cream with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, please!) A mere 10 years later — in the thick of a severe bout with anorexia — the thought of eating even a single French fry or one bite of a doughnut was enough to bring me to tears.
After another ten years, which included thousands of dollars of therapy, a solid antidepressant, and a lot of work on myself, I was able to finally revel in a full dinner without counting a single calorie. My jubilation around meals, and exploring different cultures through their regional foods, has snowballed since then.
But my, oh my, that was a cold, sad, restrictive spell. At my lowest point, only about 12 foods fit my “good” list. Everything else was absolutely off-limits for some unexplainable reason.
Turns out, 16-year-old me was far from alone in her fear of food. A 2020 survey suggested that nearly two in three Americans experience food guilt every holiday season, and research published in the journal Appetite found that the majority of college women experience at least mild feelings of guilt after eating a mid-afternoon snack or evening dessert. By age 8, more than half of those who identify as girls and one-third of those who identify as boys consider their “ideal” body size to be smaller than it currently is, a 2015 Common Sense Media report found.
Food is essential for life, though, and our relationship with food need not be fraught. Sharing a favorite meal together with family and friends nourishes our body and soul.
“Eating for pleasure means honoring your body’s wants and needs — eating foods that taste good and are satisfying, and decoupling food from feelings of judgment, guilt, fear, and shame,” adds Alissa Rumsey, RD, a nutrition therapist, certified intuitive eating counselor, and author of Unapologetic Eating.
Today, I’ve fully accepted hedonic eating into my life, which means consuming food for pleasure alone, and not to aid in energy balance. Individuals who are hedonic eaters eat or drink something simply because it’s an enjoyable experience.
Even if you’ve restricted in the past, you too can experience that joy at the table again — and once you do, you’ll be much more likely to enjoy foods in moderation.
Ready to remove the “shoulds” from snacks and meals? Read on for a guide for how to find joy in eating again.
Why Viewing Foods as “Good” and “Bad” Is Damaging
As we mentioned in our primer on all things intuitive eating, diet culture is pervasive in modern society.
“Diet messaging is akin to air pollution; it’s been there as long as I’ve been around. We don’t notice it a lot of the time, and it’s doing terrible harm,” says Cole Kazdin, a Los Angeles–based journalist and author of What’s Eating Us: Women, Food, and the Epidemic of Body Anxiety. “We’re not born thinking kale is superior to pizza. These are learned behaviors. We can unlearn them, too. [But] it isn’t easy.”
That’s because we’re in a culture in which we’re constantly told we should be eating in a very specific way to be in good health — and this isn’t necessarily true. The narrative often changes as drastically as a perm might alter your look.
“People have access to different foods, and no individual is better or worse than another because they eat a particular way. The most important thing is to eat. Period.”
Case in point: Back in the 1980s, everyone was avoiding avocados because low-fat diets were all the rage. Years later, the narrative shifts and we’re all about avocado toast. In the 1990s, egg yolks were all but off-limits, thought to be a major cause of high cholesterol. Today, we know that the egg yolk is home to the majority of the micronutrients in eggs, including vitamins A, D, E, K, and B12.
Family, friends, coaches, teachers, advertisements, social media, diet companies, and even doctors and government health officials can be feeding us negative food facts, Kazdin says. Since not all people have the same access to food, demonizing certain items can make some individuals feel even more like outsiders. And as a result of seeing splashy headlines about a link between one food and a specific health outcome, it’s easy to make up food rules like “no carbs after 6 p.m.” or “zucchini noodles are better than actual pasta,” even if the actual study said nothing along those lines.
These strict rules around food are starting at a shockingly young age these days. According to a February 2023 meta-analysis in JAMA Pediatrics, more than 1 in 5 kids show signs of disordered eating by age 18.
Interested in learning more? Check out From Emotional Eating to a Happy, Healthy Life.
6 Tips to Make Eating a More Joyful Experience
Food is fuel and calories are required for survival, true. But food can also be fun. Yes, really! Follow these strategies to inch ever closer to making peace with food.
1. Notice and Question Negative Food Talk
Spotting a restriction or rule is the first step, Kazdin says. Once you notice it, you can begin to examine it. Is one food really superior to another?
“People have access to different foods, and no individual is better or worse than another because they eat a particular way. The most important thing is to eat. Period,” Kazdin says.
Pay attention not just to your food behaviors, but also to the thoughts that pop up when you’re thinking about food or making decisions about what to eat, Rumsey adds.
Ask yourself:
- Where did these beliefs and thoughts come from?
- How are these thoughts creating disconnection from my body or leading to feelings of guilt, fear, or shame?
- How do these thoughts impact my eating and overall relationship to food?
2. Use Neutral Language to Describe Food — and Yourself
Neutral language levels the playing field and takes morality and shame out of the decision about what to eat. This enables you to make decisions based on your internal cues rather than your external environment, Rumsey explains.
“The black-and-white labeling of food strips the beauty and nuance from food,” says Molly Bremer, RD, the director of Mosaic Nutrition in Washington, D.C. “For example, some people might think that Nerds (the candy) are ‘bad’ because they contain sugar. But they are a great choice for long-distance running performance and treating low blood sugar, plus they taste great and are often offered at places like piercing studios to help prevent those getting treatments from passing out.”
When you stop labeling food as “good” or “bad,” you begin to realize that you are not “good” or “bad” due to your food choices either, Bremer says.
Instead of linking your food choices to your personal value, reframe judgmental thoughts you have about food into more helpful, positive statements that reflect abundance, advises Rumsey. Instead of I didn’t pay attention to what I was eating at all this week. What is wrong with me? try This was a rough week with a lot of stressful things going on at work. It makes sense that food was a bit chaotic.
3. Ask “What Do I Really Want?”
For a food to be satisfying and pleasurable, it needs to look good, smell good, and taste good to you, according to Rumsey.
Instead of choosing foods that you think you “should” eat, select foods that you actually enjoy eating. Take into consideration not just taste, but also texture, aroma, and appearance, and foods that are culturally relevant.
“Maybe you find that you like creamy foods better than crunchy foods, or that hot foods are more satisfying than cold. Or perhaps you prefer multiple tastes and textures all at once to be most satisfied,” Rumsey explains.
Or maybe you’re in the mood for something nostalgic. Kazdin says that there are certain flavors that just feel like “home” to her, including anything her mom made and her grandfather’s garlicky pasta. “The way a dish can connect us to a time or people in our lives is very special,” she says.
Jot down the qualities of any food that really makes you swoon to try to pinpoint its common winning features to you.
4. Channel Your Inner Child
As we mentioned, we aren’t born with beliefs that food is something to be feared or controlled. So try to revert back to your preschool self regarding your relationship to eating.
“I have a toddler and it’s so fun to watch him experience a new food or flavor for the very first time. There’s curiosity and discovery in that first bite — the contemplation of a new texture or spice as he turns a mushroom around in his mouth or chews a forkful of pasta. It’s not how I necessarily always approach eating myself, but I’m learning,” Kazdin admits.
Try to revert back to a childlike relationship with food in any way that feels natural for you. If this feels foreign or awkward at first, try incorporating new foods or drinks or leaning into nostalgic items you adored as a kid.
“When grocery shopping, I love to add a few new food or drink items to spice things up and create more joy with food. I grew up with a mom who is a phenomenal baker, so I like to add some baked goods into my eating routine, too,” Bremer says.
5. Make Solo Dining an Occasion
Many people find themselves dining solo. For some, this can feel isolating or like drudgery. Bremer often eats alone, and totally can empathize with the fact that it can sometimes be tough and lonely.
To shake things up, consider finding joy and pleasure in your solitude by planning a “date” with yourself. Rumsey suggests listening to music or a podcast that you love as you prepare the meal or watching a favorite movie or TV show as you dine.
As a busy mom, Kazdin looks forward to her table-for-one nights. Then, she can think about herself for a moment and what she would like to eat.
“Like so many people, after the pandemic I was having deep cooking fatigue. (Even Ina Garten went out to eat for Thanksgiving last year!) So now I listen to music while I cook, experiment with a new recipe that I can make in under 15 minutes, or do something else to make it more fun,” Kazdin says.
6. Foster a Gratifying Eating Environment
It’s not just about the food, Rumsey says. In addition to eating foods that you enjoy, consider how you can create an inviting food environment that feels pleasurable.
“This could mean cooking with a friend or family member, getting your kids involved in the meal preparation, putting a fresh bouquet of flowers on the table, eating outdoors in the sunshine, or going out to eat at a favorite restaurant,” she says. (Bonus: no dishes!)
If you’re feeling frazzled after a long day — or by the thought of sitting down to a meal without restrictions — consider putting your phone on “do not disturb” and setting the table with a nice place mat, flowers, and lit candles.
How to Avoid Passing Along Negative Food Noise to Future Generations
Kids love to model their parents, Bremer says. So one of the greatest gifts we can give to our children in helping to shape their relationship with food is to check in with our own relationship with eating.
“If we’re talking about wanting to lose weight or cut out carbs, our kids will pick that up. If we’re enjoying food and celebrating birthdays with family and having a good time, our kids will pick that up, too,” Kazdin says.
What might seem like a trivial comment can stick with someone for years, Rumsey continues, adding that many of her clients admit that they remember the exact comments a parent or other adult said to them about their eating when they were young.
“The best place to start when talking about food with kids of any age is to describe all foods with neutral and kind language. You can use your five senses to describe food: sight, smell, sound, taste, and texture,” Rumsey says. “Instead of describing food as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ or ‘healthy’ versus ‘unhealthy,’ try to use words like ‘energizing,’ ‘nourishing,’ ‘yummy,’ ‘delicious,’ or ‘satisfying.’”
If you find yourself unsure of how to discuss bodies and eating with your kids, students, nieces, or nephews, Bremer suggests checking out Virginia Sole-Smith’s book Fat Talk: Parenting in the Age of Diet Culture.
Keep in mind that it’s not just parents who preach about diets. There may be a wide variety of people in your life who stir up feelings around food, such as friends, co-workers, or siblings, due to their own challenging relationship with eating. If this happens repeatedly, don’t be afraid to pipe up with a statement like “I’d love it if we could steer clear of talking about diets or restriction. I’m on a mission to make peace with food and would really appreciate your support.” If they still aren’t respecting this and are continually introducing negative food noise, you might need to avoid these toxic individuals.
The Bottom Line
Despite the prominence of diet-culture messaging and our own personal history around food, eating can be pleasurable. By working to consciously uncouple morality and food, you can start to rebuild your relationship with both “fun” foods and others that are frequently recommended as nutritious. By doing so, you’ll be able to trust your gut, savor foods without stress, and truly feast on your life.
